New here :) Really in need of some help with intense rituals and would love reassurance.

[HallowsEve7]

Hi For most of my life I have struggled with debilitating mental health issues, I suffer from BPD (Borderline personality disorder), Anxiety, Paranoia and OCD. About a year ago my fear of abandonment had gotten much worse, Fear of abandonment plays a large roll in my current issue. If you've dealt with fear of abandonment you'd understand the outrageous situations your brain comes up with. So, for about almost a year I have had intense 'cheating' OCD i'd like to make it clear that cheating is something I am extremely against and would never ever cheat or do any wrong to my partner but because I have OCD it's a very clear subject for my brain to fester on, because obviously in most cases if you cheat, or your partner cheats you will be alone, this is where my fear of abandonment fits in. My partner now is someone who I have only ever genuinely felt true love for and I couldn't be happier with him and when you're mentally ill the one thing it loves to do is ruin that, so for about a year ago I woke up from one of my paranoia dreams, all i woke up remembering from the dream is a message from some guy, i woke up into a full blown panic attack and checked every single thing on my phone to prove the dream wasn't true, and as you'd guess i found absolutely nothing, so ever since this, literal hell began, and i became extremely paranoid that i message people in my sleep, and do bad things, to the point where I believe I actually become someone else in my sleep, someone who is awake and has complete ability to do things like leave the house and message people. i have very intense routines every night to make sure i do NOT go on my phone, i make sure i have notifications on the lock screen as proof i didnt go on it, my routine takes up to 20 minutes, every single night, it's so tiring, that's not the only bad thing, this issue comes with guilt, guilt that feels so real that most days i cannot reason with myself and tell myself its just an evil mental illness, i truly believe i do stuff on my phone in my sleep. i'm constantly on edge, constantly in a state of panic, and this along with all my other issues makes me feel like i'm going insane, I don't bother with friends due to paranoia, i don't answer calls from them, i dont speak to anyone because my head makes me feel bad for it, i apologize for how long this is, i'm just a very lost soul and need help and reassurance. This issue along with everything else has landed me up in hospital for my second suicide attempt, every single day I am alone, I see my partner every weekend and I look forward and cherish those weekends so much, but as soon as im alone, I get this feeling of not knowing what to do with myself which leads to very awful thoughts, suicide is no more for me, I have learnt to control attempting suicide and that has been replaced with routines, not a healthy alternative but it's brilliant compared to suicide. So if anyone has experienced the same thing i would love to hear. the rituals don't calm me, they are just for me to keep an eye on whats going on, my ritual at night aids as proof that I did not go on my phone during the time I slept, even though I do this there is nothing about it that calms me, also because of how long it takes most nights i'll have auditory hallucinations, which include phone ringing and message notifications, this disturbs my sleep, therefore making me more anxious. Recently this has been feeling so much more real and much worse, my rituals never used to be so extreme, so it scares me how in such a short space of time things have deteriorated drastically. I used to be able to to reason with my self and tell myself that its all in my mind but it's now become my reality, it makes me feel extreme guilt, nothing helps. I'll have dreams where i'm laying in my bed and i'll have my phone in my hand, I've heard of something called dream reality confusion, but I feel like even knowing that still doesn't help. The issue with my friends is when I am out my head likes to make up memories, what will happen is i'll know everything that went on in my day, but as soon as i'm home it's instantly like did you do something?? are you sure you did nothing bad?? I get tormented by all these awful thoughts, so it scares me to socialize. I also block every single male that i see on my Instagram, people who are in my suggested i'll block, i'd say there is about 400 people on that block list which I have to check everyday, I feel so embarrassed saying this but it's what I have to do.

[WarpPig]

You're not alone. I've got my own fear that drives me to utter despair (mine is security... I have to check, double check, quadruple check everything, and more... the hardest thing for me is to leave my own home, for fear of what may happen while I'm gone...) - we're all here because of some struggle we have.

All I can say is make sure your partner reads what you have posted here! the understanding and assistance of those closest to us counts for so much. Good luck!

[Hidden]

Hello there,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Living with mental illness is certainly no easy task. May I ask if you are currently receiving any form of treatment? This is truly the best way to manage some of the more extreme symptoms you may be experiencing and will help you get back on track.

You can search for licensed professionals, clinics, and support groups for OCD by using our Resource Directory: iocdf.org/find-help/

Your therapist will help you come up with a treatment plan that works for you and will provide you with specific exercises and strategies to tackle your symptoms. If you are unable to find anything in your area, please feel free to contact us at "[e-mail]".

[Hidden]

This sounds nightmarish. Poor you!! Rituals can become all-consuming and increasingly elaborate. My therapist told me they are self-reinforcing which means your mind tells you they work so we tend to do them more & more, but the trouble is that they are only short-term solutions and they snowball and can get out of control. You're not doing anything wrong but it does sound like you need to see someone who specializes in OCD and working around rituals. I would also like to gently suggest that you get off or limit social media. My therapist told me she recommends that all her patients get off Facebook, Instagram, etc. I think it's easy to go down a rabbit hole with social media and I've found that I'm less anxious off Facebook. Be kind to yourself and please see a therapist who specializes in OCD. Just like you'd go see your medical doctor if you had pneumonia. You deserve to feel less horrible and you will. Sending hugs!!