Struggling

[Glug82]

Hi everyone, I'm struggling to come to terms with not having my own child.I'm soon to be 43 and I'm in a same sex relationship of six years. My partner has an 11 year old son from a previous relationship, conceived via a sperm donor, at home.

We both initially wanted another child and both wanted to be the biological mothers, which in a same sex relationship is obviously not going to happen! So we decided that my partner try first - she was trying via artificial insemination at home, using a sperm donor. We tried for about a year and half and then stopped for a while due to it being quite an emotional rollercoaster, so put it to the back of our minds for another year.

In the last 4 months I have failed to cope with my growing feelings of sadness and loss of not trying myself, that I've left it too late - due to being 43 in July, and I can't stop crying about it tbh. I broached it with my partner a handful of times about my desire to try again myself as I felt it was my last chance - but this last recent conversation she has now said she doesn't want to try for a child anymore. This has obviously rocked me, as we both no longer want the same thing and secondly cos I can't help my feelings of sorrow over not trying one last time for myself. She has already had a child of her own and now I feel heartbroken that I never will.

I'm faced with a dilemma - do I lose my relationship and try myself or do I try to get over not ever having my own child? It's affecting everything, I feel grief, I'm depressed, I don't want to grow to resent my partner, resent bringing up and providing for my stepchild etc - lots of things going through my head at the mo.

Being stepmum to her 11 year old son in itself is difficult because, I sometimes feel the very evident difference from how my partner is and feels towards him - he is her biological Son so they have that bond, I came into his life when he turned 6, so it's been hard to adapt and feel accepted. I feel like I will never feel what my partner does for her child adj I will never be viewed like he views his biological Mum either, and it's like I'm constantly reminded of what I cannot ever have too.

I just wanted to write everything down as I feel like I don't know what to do, and can't cope with my grief at the moment.

Thanks for reading this x