It's ok not to be OK right?

[Mollyboston]

Hey,

I don't really know where to start, for the past two years I have been having to look after my husband who was diagnosed with depression but that has come with him being an emotional zombie, he isn't interested in being intimate which started about a year ago, we have only been married for 20 months and for most of our married life I have been so lonely, we have been together for 11 years and I have felt bad for feeling like I want to give up as I know I have to be there for him but it's soo hard, his family live in a different country and my family don't understand how to deal with him. I feel so lonely, I have wanted to have a baby for so many years but as I have POS my doctor has told me this might never be possible, I feel awful for thinking about myself when he needs me to be strong but I just find it hard to cope at times. I don't have an emotionally avaliable husband and it's so difficult.

[Vivienne09]

Hi Molly, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, and I'm sorry your husband is struggling too. If there's anything I've discovered it's that we have what we need to navigate these waters, even when it feels like we don't. And this is a lovely supportive community - you're not alone. Take care, I'm sending you so much love x

[Duchy82]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and it mirrored mine a fair few years ago. My ex-husband and I got married in 2009 and within 2 years of that he was diagnosed with severe depression. The depression and the anti- depressants he was on made him completely disinterested in sex and I desperately wanted a baby. And I talked to him about it on his better days. We did manage to try for a baby over 5y + by timing the few times we had sex a month around ovulation. Not as easy if you have pcos I must admit as you will probably need intervention to get to ovulate in the first place. It never happened for us after all that time trying with multiple rounds of clomid and 2 rounds of ivf it still never happened to us. Communication completely collapsed and I had to effectively come to terms with never being a mum on my own as his depression completely took over his life and mine. My marriage has broken down obviously and he was the one that ended it in the end but for me that was the best thing that could have happened.

That loneliness you feel even when in his company resonated with me I had the same feelings for years and actually when we separated and I moved into my own flat I felt less lonely than I ever did in his company but that is a different matter.

Now why I told you my story is to give you perspective on how my life panned out and to let you know you are not the only one who has experienced this. But the main reason I felt I had to reply is your comment about feeling guilty for thinking about yourself. Never feel guilty about that you have to think of yourself too, you have needs and wants that are just as valid as your husband's regardless of his depression.

It is hard living with someone who has severe depression, is completely turned in on themselves, say horrible things to push you away, are zombies because of the antidepressants, who's mood is so thick you can cut the atmosphere with a knife, attempt to harm/kill themselves over and over again to the point where nothing shocks you anymore.

The most important thing you can do in that situation is to also think of yourself and look after yourself completely guilt free. Find things to do for you, things you enjoy, go see a friend and have lunch, coffee, pamper day at a spa together. Have some time for you away from him on a regular basis to recharge and relax. Your wellbeing is just as important as his.

Sending you hugs and strength x