I finished my third and final round of ivf/Isci a couple of months ago and am hugely struggling with facing and coming to terms with this being the end. Being 43 now it unfortunately can’t go on due to low quality eggs, cost and the toll the last round took on my body.
I’m really overwhelmed with sadness and really struggling to function. If one more person asks me if I’m going to adopt now I am going to scream.
Any ideas of how to move forward from this devastating black hole I find myself in would be hugely appreciated! Sorry if that’s a bit dramatic but not quite sure how else to describe it.
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Cricketgirl
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I finished my last round of seven ivf cycles four years ago. I’m now 45. I had abundant eggs but all low quality combined with Hubby’s low quality sperm, we were unsuccessful, one proper mc and two others that started but faded before first scan. I ended up talking 6 months off work and gave myself time. Started new projects, got a beautiful Labrador puppy and begun learning French. We gave ourselves time, went on holidays and began to plan our future as us, just us. It’s hard and I still get sad for myself when others announce their ‘good news’ but I find a place to be happy for them. Some are easier to be happy for than others, for no perticular reason. The adoption question is a tricky one. I work in a SEN school where often our most tricky kids are adopted. And I wanted my child not just a child. I just state “it’s not for us” with end of conversation finality.
Wishing you all the best on your path, a different path than you might have expected life to take you but one that can find peace and reason and happiness.
So sorry to hear about your sadness and disappointment.
The amazing thing about this community is that you realize you are really not alone. We will never tell you what to do, or suggest insensitive alternatives but instead share what has helped us to navigate through our often lonely and isolating journeys. We all understand that every journey and circumstance is unique to each member. I am the MoreTo Life Coordinator and would like to tell you about our 2018 Webinar Series and e-news updates as I think that they may be able to offer you some support. MTL offers free monthly webinars. At these, in the comfort of your own home, you can listen to guest speakers who offer interesting insights into the unique challenges that our MTL community faces. Many members have told me that they find hearing the stories of others at these webinars very comforting. See the 2018 Webinar Series page for more details: fertilitynetworkuk.org/for-...
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It's good to be able to share. I'm 46 and perimenopausal. Facing not being able to have child has brought up a lot of sadness. Will share more when at computer. Sending everyone lots of love. Be kind to yourself, let the good in and if need be find someone to talk to...
Good to know we are not alone. It's such an isolating experience. So important to stay connected.
Thank you all for the replies. It does help to know it’s not just me as it is I’m finding it to be a very isolating experience. I am lucky to have a very supportive husband and we have family around us. The feelings of sadness and probably a bit of desperation - not sure if that’s quite the right word - are quite something to try a keep a bit of a lid on.
More heartfelt thanks goes to you all for replying. Xx
Hi. It is really hard. To be honest I just accept that some days I will feel really down, hurt, angry, jealous etc. I don’t feel like this every day though. I tried to move on by joining the gym. I find regular exercise incredibly helpful. It’s good for my mind but I also enjoy being in a child free environment where I have a sense of purpose and some goals. Time is also a great healer I’ve noticed. In time, the pain lessens. I’ve accepted that it will never go away too which helps. If I’m having a bad day, I have it. I don’t cover it up. I stay at home and feel my pain. By the next day I usually feel a bit better. In terms of adoption, I’ve found responding, ‘I don’t know, do you plan to adopt?’ works quite well. If they’re stupid enough to pursue the conversation then you can highlight that it is not just childless couples’ responsibility to adopt and that it is surprising that that seems to be society’s take. After all, who better to adopt than people who have had the experience of parenting, the equipment and the network of friends with children? Generally by this point they will change the subject. I also will highlight the financial element of adoption. I am a teacher and know all too well that most children need additional support. As a parent, I’d want to reduce my hours and know that if I really needed to I could stop work altogether to support an adopted child and give them the best chance. People don’t think like this. They don’t realise how different it is to raise an adopted child. Give yourself some time to do things that will help you. Be selfish. That’s one tip I think does help. Nurture yourself. I love yoga as it really calms my mind. I hope that in time the pain lessens for you. It is an incredibly hard truth to accept and you must take your time to deal with it. It is a form of grief so take your time my dear. Wishing you all the best. xxxx
Hi cricketgirl. I had 3 unsuccsesful rounds too. I felt exactly the same. That was about 6 years ago. you will have a greiving period, as you are saying goodbye to a life you badly wanted. You have the rest of your life ahead of you though, and you can make it what you want as you do not have the ties, that children bring. I had a good think about how I wanted to live my second choice life. I went to home uni and retrained. I have just started a new and enjoyable career. We go on long holidays (we went to the last 2 ashes in Sydney) I will always miss not being a mum. you will never loose that, But you will cope and enjoy life in your own way.
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