More To Life

Childless

Hi there, i have posted before and was encouraged to follow up my last post as soon as i was comfortable to do another. So since i last posted, myself and my wife attended Relate (councillor service for couples in the UK just incase this is international) which didn't go well to be honest. The general synopsis was that it was all my fault (the councillor's actual words) because i had wasted too much time on the 'wrong' women in the past and hadn't tried hard enough to find myself the 'right' 1. Even though i have always had a problem with confidence and always seemed to end up with women who just wanted a good time and weren't really interested in anything to do with the future. So this was approx 6 months ago and the heartbreak seems to be worse than it was before, not only to i have to deal with the fact that i most probably never be a dad (that's always been my life's ambition), i also have to deal with it being completely my fault and also the fact that i cannot talk to anyone about it. My wife is completely unresponsive to me anytime i try to broach the subject resulting in anger from her toward me and the majority of my friends have moved on as they all have young kids and it must stick out like a sore thumb the fact that i have none of my own. This is on my mind every second of every day and as far as i'm concerned there are only 2 options for me, end it quickly or live with this for the rest of my life in torture. The reason i write this post is not for sympathy for myself as i dont consider that i deserve it, i write it with the last bit of compassion that i have left to try to warn others to seek help as soon as something like this comes to light and seek the right type of help. Please don't do what i did and bur your head and hope that it will sort itself out with time, don't make the same mistakes that i did.

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Hi nathglew this is not your fault and I can't believe that someone said that. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, you really are not alone, there are many people on here who understand and want to help you as much as possible. Please send me an email and I will put you in touch with people you can talk to about it asap. I promise they won't tell you it's your fault! Cat

cat@fertilitynetworkuk.org

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Hello Nathglew, This is Deborah, the volunteer counsellor. I can only echo Cat's response - childlessness through any circumstance is not anyone's fault. The grief of childlessness is so often unacknowledged in our society and whilst nothing takes away the grief, long-term childlessness can teach us how to live a life that is fulfilling and different to the one we had envisaged; not 'less than'. If you would like to chat through anything, please feel free to PM me. Please also consider looking for a specialist fertility counsellor who will understand and have experience of the feelings and emotions associated with childlessness. I can help you to find a therapist in your area. The British Infertility Counselling Association has a list of specialist counsellor - bica.net. If at any time you feel overwhelmed by a wish to harm yourself, please contact us again or the Samaratans (116 123). Also, your GP can help you - he or she is the gatekeeper to specialist support.

We're here to help you know you are not alone.

If you message me I will respond to you as soon as I can.

Deborah

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Hi Nath, I agree with Cat and Deborah, so sorry to hear about all the suffering you're enduring, please seek help and as a man I can relate to a lot if what you're saying, PM anytime, please take care of yourself.

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Agree with the other responses here - this is not your fault and the words of one person does not make that fact. We could all take through our past and thunk how we could have done things differently or better but it's all pointless and harmful to do so. I have thought a million times over whether I could have/ should have done things differently and got a different outcome.

I would strongly advise you follow up with a different more informed counselling service who will show you the compassion you deserve.

Wishing you the best x

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Just to repeat what has already been said that it's not your fault and should seek further counselling. I can't believe a professional person supposedly could even say that to you. Take care

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Hi nathglew,

thank you for your courageous post. I too am so sorry that you have had an appalling experience from an ignorant person.....I am not even sure she can be called a counsellor!!

I too have found the grief of infertility overwhelming at times. But I have had compassion based and people based counselling. The essence of which is learning to be kind to yourself and this has helped in my healing and acceptance.

I have had to make a different life for myself than I had planned. One that has involved making a new group of single, childfree friends and doing things that I love and build up my spirit. I really hope you find the support and love you need to nurture yourself through this difficult season xxxx

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