I'd really like to hear people's stories of when you accepted it wasn't going to happen naturally. How & why did you make that decision? How did you both feel? Was it less painful for you both?
We have unexplained infertility & in the process of deciding enough is enough. Treatment isn't an option.
Thank you
Hi Katy,
what a good but difficult question to ask. I am very much in the depths of working through exactly this...And me and my husband are in different places with it.
March is the 7th year anniversary of 'trying' for a baby. The number 7 represents completion. ... Completion of a different a kind than i thought it would bring. For me the grief of never having children has become less painful than the grief of trying and failing every month. The burden of this constant grief has just become too much to lie with anymore.
Unexplained infertility leaves you with no answers and this doesn't help the process of letting go. There are so many unknowns for us. But i made the decision to do ICSI and that was out last call. Seeing how very incompatible our bodies are even through science has helped me know that we are never going to get the family we want. And if we did ever get pregnant again would it be a healthy baby...Is nature indicating something?
Not knowing or understanding is so hard. I hope with time me and my husband see things the same. It's such a bigger burden for the woman and one that just became too hard to do anymore for me. It doesn't mean it's easy and complete...Like all grief it takes time to work through. But there is peace in acceptance...And that's what i am working to xxxx
I spoke to husband last night and we agreed it's time to accept our situation. I'm ready to start this section of the journey. I hope we both find it gets easier xxx
I'm right in the middle of this right now, the main reason out of all of ours has been my wife's age and medical status that has gone against us and as someone who (as far as I know) can have children is the hardest thing to accept at the moment. It has driven a wedge between us at the moment unfortunately but I love my wife more than anything and am lucky to have 2 step kids so I am luckier than some but it's a heart wrenching feeling that I'm having to bear and being a 'typical' bloke, cannot get my feelings across. I am seeing a councillor but it's not helping with the pure emotional side unfortunately
Such an honest, heartfelt response. Thank you. We haven't been trying as long as lots of people on here so I feel like a bit of a fraud. We received a diagnosis really early because we were tested really early. I don't know if we can have treatment or not but it's just not a route we want to take. I let it drive a wedge between us for a couple of months and then we decided, together, that I must tell him when I'm upset and I must cry when I need to. I was hiding it from him. It has made us so much stronger. I would suggest talking about it, whenever you think about it. I'm also waiting for counselling. I'm trying to accept it's not going to happen naturally. Then I'll accept I don't want treatment. Slowing it right down & taking it in stages. I hope you're feeling better about it soon! Keep in touch, I'd like to hear how your counselling is going x
Hi Katy better
For my dh and I it was a combination of things. Primarily we were emotionally utterly exhausted. Our journey was 3 years of fertility investigation with 5 attempts at DE. 3 miscarriages. Unexplained infertility. And very very sadly the sudden loss of my mum to cancer on the very day I had my pre-op for my initial fertility investigation. So our grief was (and still is) in several layers. We also came to a cut-off point financially. And finally, we felt we'd gone as far as we wanted to with the extent of investigation. Putting it bluntly the endless prodding and poking and invasion of my body had gone far enough and dh had also had his fair share of that too. The overall emptiness and grief at that point was overwhelmed by the sheer exhaustion of the roller coaster of ivf. We couldn't contemplate carrying on. We decided to swap lanes and begin to put our emotional energies into the rest of our lives and try to find positive things to channel our efforts. It is not easy. There is rarely a day when I don't feel like the odd one out. Mothers day is not my favourite day. But there are plenty of positives. And I know we made the right decision to stop trying when we did.
Thank you for commenting Caudalie. We haven't had treatment & it's not something I want to do. For now I'm trying to accept it's not going to happen naturally and not think too much about the next acceptance after that. I am exhausted from the prodding & the tests too. I've found the entire journey very hard & I think I've had enough now. Husband had cancer so we knew we may struggle but I didn't realise it would be so difficult. I am starting to think about our lives without children. Which I think is a positive step. I have a niece so I will put my efforts into helping to bring her up & I will be a second nan to her children. Do you find this part of the journey easier than you expected? X
Hi I think the part about accepting I won't have children has been ok. We approached it on the basis that in this life there are always challenges and this is ours. Many many people are in worse situations for variety of reasons. The thing I've found harder than expected is dealing with other people's attitude. It doesn't help that we live in a large village which is very family oriented. Conversation invariably turns to children which I can join in to a certain extent but not endlessly. The questions from new people like "how old are your children" or " which school do your children go to" etc are hard to deal with. Many parents lack the understanding or empathy of our situation or make assumptions. Those aspects are not the easiest to manage. I think if you have friends who are not parents or who are also childless it would help. It's one of the reasons for me joining this group as I do feel isolated and don't know other childless couples who really understand.
This is exactly what I'm finding. We have one couple in our group that do not have children but their lives are worlds apart from ours (lawyers) everyone else has children. The conversation (by the women only I'm finding) always leads to or starts with children. When I'm asked by new people if I have children I say no, if they pry i say I don't know if we can have children this usually kills the conversation but If they pry again I say my husband was ill when he was younger. Its never gone on from then. It's the perfect way to nip that conversation in the bud.
That's a really good, healthy approach to have. It's true, there really are worse situations, medical issues to have. I'm happy to talk if you ever want to x
Fertility and Cancer
Feel complete despair :-(
I'm crushed but it's time to stop. 
Any advice on how to give up hope?
Decision time advice much needed please
