I'm new here...

[StaceyParker]

After nearly 4 years of trying for a baby we longed for, my husband and myself have decided that this is the end of our Ivf journey.

I have had 3 rounds of ivf resulting in a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, a negative pregnancy test and finally this Friday, a miscarriage. Physically, but mainly emotionally, I cannot take anymore.

We had already decided before this round of treatment that this would be our last attempt, but it still doesn't make the outcome any easier.

In particular, I am struggling with the fact that I will never be a mother to my own child. Adoption is an option, but the fact that I will never be pregnant is a bitter pill to swallow.

It's good to read other posts and know that I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is normal, but to be honest, every day is a struggle at the moment.

[pm27]

I'm sorry to hear about the mc.

We also stopped after 3 rounds of ICSI, DE on round 3 still didn't get us a BFP. I couldn't take any more failures and we had to consider how much more we could spend on something that clearly wasn't going to happen as we self funded.

You're still very early days. For me initially stopping was a relief, then I entered a long period of sadness. I was able to access some counselling and that helped me understand the grief cycle. Infertility is so hard and unlike many other losses there is no accepted ceremony to mark the losses, like a funeral. Over a year on I'm doing much better. I still struggle with pregnancy announcements and knowing that I'll never be a mum but it doesn't hurt as much. I doubt it'll ever go away.

Adoption isn't for us. Please be aware that this forum is not an appropriate space to discuss adoption as a way of building a family.

[StaceyParker in reply to pm27]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I didn't mean to cause any offence by mentioning that adoption may be an option for us. I obviously won't talk in depth about it on this forum.

Really, that is a very long way down the line for us. Like you say, it is still very early days for us and reading all the other posts has really helped. Knowing that what you are feeling is normal and that you are not alone is a massive help.

Friends and family are supportive, but cannot fully appreciate exactly how hard this is and how the pain you feel is a physical pain. My heart hurts!

A lot of my friends either have babies or are pregnant and I cannot cope being around pregnant people at the moment. I think this is the hardest part for me, knowing that I will never carry my own child.

I to am going to try counselling, I don't want to sweep my feelings under the carpet, only for them to resurface later on in life. I've also found it useful reading posts here that have recommended a couple of books, which I think I will try.

Thanks again for showing your support.

[pm27 in reply to StaceyParker]

I don't think that your mention of adoption will have caused any offence it's just there was a reminder recently from Diana Arnold about it.

I can find it difficult to be round pregnant ladies but it isn't as hard as it was this time last year when they seemed to be everywhere but it was me being hyper sensitive. If they are true friends they will try to understand how hard it is currently for you to be around babies/bumps. Do whatever you need to do to look after yourself and that might mean not going to baby showers etc. You could always seem people individually rather than as a big group.

I've read some of Jody Day's book and that has also been helpful.

[Hidden]

Hi Stacey,

just wanted to welcome you to this site. Well done for finding it and finding the courage to speak about what's been happening.

I went through exactly the same as you last September. So many people told me oh yes I've had a MC, its hard. But I wanted to scream at them and their three beautiful children and say...You have no idea what hard is. It was only when i went to the ivf clinics counselling session that i was told that what I was experiencing was as hard as it gets.

It took me three months to find the courage to see the fertility counsellor. And it definitely helped, but after our last and final round of ivf, going back to the clinic for counselling brought too many memories back. So i have found it helpful going to grief counselling. I took two wks off work to get my head in a better place.

I would also recommend the Jody days book. It mentions so many wonderful tips to get you through this dark tunnel. She describes becoming a super napper...And it was definitely my bodies way of healing through all the pain.

The dark cloud lifted after a few months, but i will always grieve never meeting our children. It's a pain i will always have with me, but it becomes lighter. Grief takes 1/2yrs on average. I was so shocked when i read this. I just wanted it to be a quick recovery, to be myself again. The thought of feeling so crap for so long scared me. But the times inbetween the dark days gets longer. And you had to go through the Ealing process and it takes time. So try filling the time with things to be kind to yourself.

Me and my husband have dealt with grief in very different ways. He has internalised it and i worry it will hit him yrs down the line. How is your partner doing ?

I live in Stockport, and go to the gateway meet ups. Not sure where you are but if you ever need a chat we are here. Xxxx