My short story...

[katie2012]

I keep trying to find a post that describes my situation but I've realised that everyone is different and everyone has such different and unique experiences.

I'm 25 and I'm fairly new to this. I was diagnosed with depression about 4 weeks ago although truthfully I think I've been suffering for about 4 months.

It started when I had the contraceptive implant put in then I became ill with a really bad stomach infection (the GP initially brushed it off as nothing), so I continued to work in immense pain, I then left a job I loved (it was a temp contract) to start a new job which I was really looking forward to. However, by the third day I was in tears. I hated it so much, my new manager was so critical over everything and I was still in pain from being ill and everything just went down hill from there. I cried at work practically every week because I felt like such a failure, I felt really self conscious like everyone was looking at me and waiting for me to cry. My manager told me I should look for a new job, which upset me because I knew I could do the job but I wasn't being a fair job. I got ignored by everyone apart from a couple of friends.

At the same time I started to notice that my flatmates were going out together and not including me.

And not long after that I became ill again, I went to the GP, she told me I had a stomach bug and told me not to cry. Again I should add that I was in sooo much pain. Anyway 2 days later I ended up in hospital for 4 nights with a kidney/blood infection. The whole experience scared me. And it took about 2 weeks at home by myself to recover enough before I could even think about going back to work.

I really didn't want to go back, I had panic attacks over the thought at going back, but I did it. I cried as soon as I got there and they told me I was moving to a different team because it wasn't working out. In some ways I think they felt a bit guilty, and so they should, but then I realised how much of a failure I'd been and I couldn't face going to work again. I took the rest of the week off and didn't speak to anyone.

I've lost all my confidence and I hate people looking at me. I've never enjoyed getting the tube to work before but it's never been a problem. Now I can't face it, I have to get off because I get panic attacks.

I'm now speaking to a new GP who is so much more understanding and I'm taking antidepressants and sleeping pills to help me relax.

This is just the shortened version, I could probably go on for longer. I haven't lost anyone, nor have I lost a job or had an major life changes. Partly why I don't think I should be depressed. So many more people have much more real problems so I feel weak and incapable.

I've been reluctant to speak to someone about all of this but I really want to be happy again so hopefully I will have something a little more positive to talk about...

[hamble99b]

hi katie, you are not weak - look at all you've been through!

no matter what other people have been and/or are going through it doesn't diminish how you are. depression and anxiety take many forms, as you yourself said, we are all individuals and are affected in different ways. However you are is not unique, but it is as relevant as anyone else.

I'm sorry that you've been having problems, it will have shaken your confidence, but I hope moving to a new team might help, away from your last boss.

It's good to hear about your new gp, but will they not give you more time off? Anti depressants take time to work, so you won't feel up to going back yet.

You are not a failure, you have a recognised debilatating [sp?] condition - even Winston Churchill had it!

I've found that counselling has helped me, maybe your gp can refer you?

You write very well and, now you have joined this site, you will never be alone. we all read at different times or days, but be sure someone will answer you.

things can improve and do,

keep in touch,

sandra.

[katie2012]

I have taken the first steps to talking to someone. I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest but I've become so used to keeping things to myself I find it hard to open up. It's different here, because it gives an anonymity but I'm going to be brave and give it a go.

I probably could have more time off work, but the rational part of me knows that I need to have a reason to get up and do something. As much as I hate work at times I think I would feel far worse because I find it too easy to isolate myself from others. I knew I would find it hard to go back to work the first time round and I think deep down that it will only be harder the longer I put it off. They've been pretty good and have taken a few days off here and there and coming in later/leaving early when I need to but I don't want to take advantage so I am trying hard to go in as much as possible. But sometimes it just feels too overwhelming.

I know I'm in a better position than most, I just hope that I take a few more steps forward soon

Thanks for your kind words

[Hidden]

Hi,

You're struggling to cope with a lot of difficult things so please don't beat yourself up about it! It is awful feeling ill and even worse when you feel unable to tell people how bad you are feeling. You seem to imagine noone will understand, or that they will see you as a failure in the same way you see yourself as one. I wonder where that idea comes from - have you always seen yourself as a failure, maybe in your family or in relationships?

I hope you don't hear what I'm saying as criticism because that is not my intention, but I'm struck by two things - firstly that you struggled to stand up for yourself in relation to your new manager at work by telling him/her that you were unwell and why, and then continued to keep quiet how you were struggling, saying instead that you felt like a failure! You were ill for heavens sake, so I wonder what stopped you from saying so and saying you needed to take time off from work in order to recover, despite it being a new job. You seemed to think you had to struggle on. I feel really angry on your behalf, angry that you didn't seem to think you had a right to stand up for yourself. Secondly you failed to stand up for yourself with your GP. I feel angry that the GP said you had a stomach bug when you were clearly in pain and I wonder whether you felt unable to say how bad you were actually feeling, to be assertive and ask to be referred to hospital if necessary. You say you have lost all your confidence but I wonder how confident you really were underneath your obvious ability to cope. You did well to get the job you wanted and I wonder whether you felt pleased with yourself about that? It sounds as if you set yourself high expectations about how you should be able to cope and find it difficult to let yourself be seen as needy and vulnerable. I wonder where the idea that it is a failure or weak to need help comes from?

I'm glad you are able to take a few days off now, do tell work exactly how you've been struggling - they may not understand but at least you will have given them a chance to do so. I'm glad also that you've found a better GP!

Take care and do write again,

Suexx

[katie2012]

I have always worried about failing, I don't really think that pressure has come from anywhere except me. I think because my manager was someone who I know recognise suffers from anxiety and is a perfectionist, I didn't want to let her down. Although in the end it did cause problems between us and at one point she did tell me I wasn't going to enjoy the job so I should consider looking elsewhere, I think it's comments like that (which are now flooding back to me) that when I'm already feeling low and vulnerable just make me feel so much worse about myself.

Again because I was feeling so low and so ill, I didn't have the strength to question the doctor, in hindsight I think I couldn't really focus on anything except that I needed to lie down and sleep.

Members of my family have suffered from depression in the past and I think in many ways (particularly in recent years) I've been strong for everyone else and been the ear for other peoplel. I feel guilty when I talk to people who have much worse problems than I do because I feel silly and I don't want to put my problems onto other people. That's why taking the decision to talk to people has been a hard one for me, putting it in words is so much easier. Although some bits feel hard to describe and rationalise into words.

I actually feel a little better this week. I had a positive meeting with my GP and I'm able to think things through a bit more rationally, however, I do know that tomorrow could be another story. If I could predict how I was going to feel each morning at least I could prepare myself - and others!!

Thanks for the support x