Had nightmares again. This is even more horrifying

[Against_the_current]

I am having nightmares again. Was really tired and went to bed still stressed. I'm gonna now tell the nightmare. In the nightmare mom was saying "You're guilty that your dad left. You're guilty for the divorce. You made a lot of drama. You were always anxious and sick. It's your fault. He left and i have to do everything alone. Look at me, i'm cooking. We could still be a family. But he left and triggered more things happening". And she was repeating this all the time and i tried to leave, i was searching for a train to get me to university city but i missed the train because it was really sudden. I got back but she kept on being nervious that she has to do everything alone and that i ruined the marriage so i escaped to a village like her hometown and hid there. They were burrying her father and Grandma was upset (this happened like 4 years ago or so, i don't remember) i hid there but she started kidnapping and torturing people from the village because i was there. I was hiding, i was trying to lock everything but she was about to find me. I had to hid both from her and from the people. I left and ran in the forest. I really didn't know where to hide. I ran into the forest between this village and the next and tried to call a teacher for help and ask about sis. I had nothing with me. The call stopped because she was near and because i couldn't trust anybody. I headed towards the near village because i have nothing, i didn't have any luggage, even my clothes were torn from running, and i couldn't hide much in the forest, someone would have found me - her, her people or the tortured people. I got to the village where i have Coisins, i even dremt of some of my home city neighboirs there but they refuse help. Finally they took me to the orphange house - it was one big room with like a hundred beds on the floor with dirty, torn down sheets. Got me one bed and i started preparing it. I felt so anxious that i felt like i should be put in a hospital or something because my anxiety ruined it all and i had to be hospitalized much sooner. But they still kept me in the orphange. Had some flashes of home but it looked like some evil dukess was having princess daughers and was giving them these barbie plastic princess heels and so. Like these 90s plastic toys of princess shoes and plastic crowns and tea pots for a princess tea party that parents use to manipulate you - be good and i will buy you these plastic princess stuff, be a good princess. And i swear i was, i'm just sick both physically and mentally. I remember i also asked dad for help in the dream and he said "Your mom just can't take the fact that she has to cook. She wants everything done for her. Probably because of her own mental illness". I was hiding and dreaming of being chased and being helpless a bit more and then my alarm rang for class, it was 13:20 and the class was starting at 13:30. I cou even go to the bathroom or do anything. I looked around, i told myself i'm in my accomodation and im just stressed. I couldn't even wash my face. Good the teacher freed us and i came to write it out because the feeling of the dream is still creeping me out but the dream itself blurs. It had a really complex scenario. And was really horrifying. Now it's 14:30. I'm scared and i feel like everyone left me. I lost 2 important people these days. I'm scared and alone feeling helpless and doomed.

[Against_the_current]

Hi Luna. Sorry to hear you have them too. It really is terrifing and i really needed some support but unfortunately my therapist wouldn't respond as it's not in a session. I'm actually a bit worried about this too as i had some problems with my therapist. I had booked a session for after the holidays this sunday but i asked her to not make it then and make it this week. She said she can't make it this week and she's busy and i think i lost my appointment and i already made plans. It's so hard with therapists, changed so much of them. I have a therapist count

[Against_the_current]

Mine Come from my brain being hypervigiliant. I have to relax. And from my trauma