Numb and empty

[reinventingmyself36]

Hey all,

Today I feel numb, empty, and lonely without my narcissistic best friend by my side. I was friends with her for over 25 years and have accepted that she is a narcissist who emotionally abuses me and is often quiet, critical, and judgmental of me. She is still in my life but we just contact each other when we need something. She doesn’t want to talk to me out of fear I will fight with her and she hates being confronted but somehow wins each argument. I know what I am experiencing is trauma bonding. However, when I try to make new friends, I feel manipulated and used in some way.

I don’t know how to truly be whole without her.

[lorianxiety]

Hi,Im in a position where I can truly say to you that you were never really with her,nor her with you ,in otherwise an invalid relationship from the onset-I believe as I too have a similar friend for 11 yrs but its left me wanting to tell her that I cant be there for her as she treats everyone badly,mainly because of the trauma in her life and also she has at least 2 personality disorders .though does not want to address them.feel free to message me !

[Lazy_dog_lover]

To be honest, this sounds like me and my sister, but I turn 50 this year and it took me this long to finally decide enough is enough. A relationship can be positive (you each build each other up, support each other almost 50/50) or a negative relationship (not 50/50, bullying, manipulative, abusive, neglectful, back and forth tearing each other down). These can be friendships, a romantic relationship, a business relationship, etc.

You may have had a relationship with her, but a best friend...you did not have. She was your most familiar relationship and that provides a sense of comfort.

Her treatment of you is not acceptable. What is the difference between how she made you feel and how the new friends make you feel? Neither sound positive.

Have you done your own soul searching? Maybe research shame and codependency. It sounds like you do not feel worthy of a new, positive friend. BTW, they usually happen without forcing them.

Maybe start with a group with common interests. I don't know if MeetUp.com is still a thing, but look it up. See if the local library has something that is a few classes long.

You may feel like a part of you is gone, because it is. She, unfortunately, was like a tumor that needed to go. She was holding you back. If you have a therapist, be direct and ask about this.

I have been used to being alone for a long time. I was never super social. My sister only called when she needed something and hen it was more of a demand than asking a favor. We are both very stubborn. I will do anything for her kids, but I think twice about her. I set the time. I suggest the place. I decide to participate or not.

One can only change onself. Others' behaviors are theirs to control. Good luck.

[reinventingmyself36 in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Wow! This was so enlightening and I’m sorry that you have a sister like this. I have come to terms with a lot about her. She is still in my life; but rarely reaches out to me and I don’t reach out to her. I still love her dearly but accept that she’s not my true friend.

I am in the practice of accepting and loving myself first so that I can attract the right people to me. Until I fully learn to accept and be happy with myself I will keep attracting such ppl into my life.

Thank you for sharing your point of view, advice, and personal struggle with this.

I hope things get better for you.

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to reinventingmyself36]

I am getting stronger. Unfortunately I had a bad car accident at the end of March. After I got out of the hospital, I had to love with her for a month because she had no stairs.

I do recommend reading up about dealing with shame. It taught me a lot.

I also watched a Facebook Live the other day. I posted a question that partially said that I don't trust myself. He responded with saying ...then that is your filter for viewing life, so you need to change that first thought and not keep telling myself I don't trust me. In education we call it the growth mindset. SO hard to change, but look at the wording.

Peace

[Hidden]

You'd be better off without a friend like that. Narcissists are very nasty ppl who would stoop to almost length to hurt you. I know as my mother is a narcissist. Try and make new friends. Perhaps online first. Friends that will treat you good.

[reinventingmyself36 in reply to Hidden]

Agreed! Thanks