Socially awkward

[ovi88]

Hello people. I haven't been here in 3 years but my level of misery is reaching a critical point which is why I'm back. My issues are nothing new. You've probably read it a hundred times in here. Ok here it goes:

I'm a 31 year old single dude who's never been on a date, who's never had a best friend and who's never been able to keep a job for more than a year. I have been unemployed since September 2017 with absolutely no luck finding a job I would actually be able to do. I shamefully still live with my parents and I have absolutely NOTHING...no job, no money, no friends, no lover, no reputation. So how could you be happy and healthy if you have none of those...?!! What would be the point of your life?!! My sense of self-worth is almost non-existent because as a man in his 30s, how am I supposed to have any self-worth if i dont have a job or money in general?!! It's soul-crushing.

Anyways, my main issue that probably has played a big role for not having any of those things is being socially awkward and insecure. I cannot maintain a positive and normal work relationship with a colleague at a place of work because of acting isolated and weird in general. I cannot go on a date cuz I'm always too nervous and self-conscious and girls in general don't or can't like me for some reason. Maybe it's my face, my body or just my overall vibe that they don't like. I dunno. I have never been able to mentally connect with the opposite sex properly. Also, obviously as a socially awkward person I cant make small talk with people and that adds to the awkwardness which results in me avoiding parties and gatherings altogether. Also, I can manage to make friends but I cannot keep them. After a while they just ghost me and the last one (the only one left) has stopped all communication with me since June 2018. I have always been nice to him and tried to be as friendly and as humorous as I possibly could but for whatever reason our friendship was not satisfying enough for him!!

So for the past year, on every holiday or weekend for that matter, I have been spending time with myself, alone in my room. Watching a movie, listening to music or the other thing that guys usually do when they are alone and bored...! And today is a holiday and my parents are out on a trip and I have the entire apartment to myself and there is no one for me to call to come over and spend time with me. I also have a car parked outside with a full tank but I dunno where to go alone! I mean where can you go alone without looking like a creep?!!

I just went outside to get a haircut and saw people going out, or having guests coming over while I was returning to our empty apartment to once again spend another holiday with myself. I mean I read somewhere that to be happy, we need intimate bonds; we need to be able to confide, we need to feel like we belong, we need to be able to get and give support. In fact, strong relationships are key, perhaps the key to a happy life. So how can you be happy by having zero relationships?!!

So I guess my question is, is anyone out there like me who has ZERO friends and literally no social life and how do they cope with that?! Cheers

[hypercat54]

I now this feeling well but I do have friends. You need to sort out your issues maybe through therapy? The best thing in life to be is yourself and you will find people like you for that reason. If someone is sad and depressed then always being seen as smiley can come across as fake. Orhers can be very perceptive and just coz you hide it doesn't mean they don't pick it up. Maintaining friendships can be hard but is a skill you can learn.

I can talk to my friends sometimes when I feel sad or unhappy and likewise they can talk to me too. There are also social rules to follow and these can be tricky unless you have learned them. Lack of them can put people right off for a variety of reasons.

I would concentrate on learning those and accepting yourself as you are, which I am sure is fine. The main thing I have learned is to think more about putting other people at ease rather than worrying about how you awkward you might feel. x

[ovi88 in reply to hypercat54]

Good 4 U for at least having friends. That's great. I dunno what that's like anymore. And cheers for the advice. And yup them social rules are tricky to follow...!

[Hidden]

Listen to LBC talking radio at 4.00am and you will have Steve Allen having a nice conversation or take a course and other will have the same interests you have - which is nice to talk to about. Walking club is another great way to meet people - there is one for shy people!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I presume you are in UK!

[ovi88 in reply to Hidden]

Not anymore but thanks for the advice.

[pink83737]

Hey i know the feeling of being socially awkward but the best thing to do is get out more, yes i know it seems scary and super difficult but it’s the best thing you can do! Join a church group, keep looking for a job or even volunteer somewhere until they could hire you! You can’t sit in a room all day because that will make it worse, ive learned the hard way 😞 please please please don’t do what i did and that was isolate myself for years. You probably aren’t as awkward as you think you are! I don’t have many friends but that doesn’t mean im a bad person! Sometimes i just don’t have time for lots of friends.

[Humanintraining]

Hmmmm. I'm amazed. Kind of. How you ended up in this state of affairs. Obviously you're unhappy. It's logical you are and nobody likes a thoroughly unhappy person.You sound so unhappy you can't even pretend you are, and that's, again sadly, a problem.

You have to seduce the world into giving you the things you want. You have to give, to get. Now of course, without money, a specialisation, dashing good looks and connections. You have little to give.

First thing to realise is, love, friends and a job are a numbers game. I'm 27 btw.

Jobs:

I have been a teacher, librarian, banker, call centre employee, museum guide and logistic coordinator. I've hopped jobs like a frog. Maybe it's my looks, my eloquence, my enthusiasm, either way I get hired, but I applied for like 5 jobs per day when I was unemployed, and I've never been unemployed longer than 3 weeks. When you don't have a job, finding a job is your job, and it is something you can actually become good at (like I believe I am). Many jobs offer traineeships, often paid, and because they're paid, they don't like losing you. So those are a good bet. In your case I'd consider train driver - long distance, or working on ships. Takes you away from home, but makes enormous amounts of cash, and currently you don't have people to miss you. Sad, but convenient? You can always change jobs later. Oh and the stories you'll be able to tell. Adventure awaits.

Friends:

Oh yes, at 30 you risk being the creepy loner at the bar. At 27 it's already a thing for me. I've made myself somewhat of an icon at 2 local bars. I sometimes make it my mission to become known somewhere else. I intentionally forget my watch to ask the time, I buy random people drinks while pretending to be a lot more drunk than I am. Whatever works. You will find out two things, A. 80% of the people you wouldn't want as a friend anyway. So you won't feel like you miss out. B. Some people are actually funny, interesting and hilarious. I admire those people, and they feel it. My genuine admiration for them.

Who doesn't like to be admired? They're friends now, in the sense that, if I want to go out, I've a flock of interesting people to ask. Everyone craves positive attention.

Love

Oh this thing.

Yeah. Not having a woman to love can ruin some rainy days.

Now you say you've never had a date or relationship? Well good! That's a blank canvas! My heart was broken so painfully that I feel morbidly sad about having lost what I had sometimes. Atleast you can't feel that way.

Speeddates, Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, bars, clubs... if you want to meet women you can. It just takes money and friends to make you desirable. Even on photos. #instablah

Focus on the first two things and the third may come, but it's fine if it doesn't. If you need to feel a woman's touch, get a hooker. I'm not joking. Atleast then you know what you miss out on for one night. It's alot cheaper than a relationship, I can tell you that.

Yeah whores are women and people too. Kind of crazy ones but hey, they feel the same way inside and out.... Damn that sounds filthy but it's the way it is.

Hereth ended my reply. Go forth and conquer. Seduce the world. More than 8 hours of sleep is a waste. Go out and take a stab at it. You only live once and your time is running out. You'll only get older and uglier. Whether you become richer and more popular is up to you.

[ovi88 in reply to Humanintraining]

Wow. That was awesome. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I appreciate it. Unfortunately you are right about the cold truth that without money, a specialization, good looks and connections nothing goes forward for you in life and sadly I have none of those which makes life extra difficult for me obviously.

I have always been the only dysfunctional member of my family. I have older siblings (all girls) that are now leading successful lives and they already have all those things mentioned above. Good for them I say. As an unhappy person it's easier to play the blame game, you know, blaming others for your failures. Blaming my father for never giving a shit about me and leaving me to my devices...blaming my mom for giving birth to me when she didn't want to (she actually admitted to me once that she only wanted 2 kids, maximum 3 and becoming pregnant with me was kind of a forced idea)! And even blaming my sisters for ignoring me and not giving me the support I needed when I actually needed it.

But as a grown ass man it's silly and pointless to that anymore, isn't it? I only have myself to blame I guess for not being "normal", whatever normal is these days!!

And about that thing you said about never dating to be a good thing...you know when they say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, I actually always disagreed with that. I mean how is it better to be heartbroken or even humiliated by someone you loved?!! I don't get it.

And also I actually have gone for the hooker thing (escort service) when I was younger about 10 years ago and so I know exactly what I'm missing out on....A LOT!!

And finally...man that thing you said about getting older and uglier, that hit me to the core!! RESPECT FOR PURE TRUTH.

Thanks for the well constructed reply (advice) to my issue. I will give it a shot. Based on all these replies I'm now becoming convinced that I may be the ONLY person with ZERO friends. Everybody else has at least 1 friend or 2. I guess I'm a rare breed of unhappy.

Cheers.

[Humanintraining in reply to ovi88]

You're a rare breed indeed, but you sound intelligent. Which is why I typed all of that. If you have brains there is hope for you. I hope you see that as clearly as I do. Good luck!