I dont know if its normal to feel this way.

[ConfusedTeen16]

I dont really know how to expain how i feel without finding myself self diagnosing in some way even when i dont want to and i want to know if how im feeling is usual or if it could be something deeper.

I find myself in moments of extreme joy at times and while they are sparse they are always feelings of complete and utter elation. At other times i feel myself feeling nothing at all, not sad or happy just flat. I wonder what happiness even feels like and how im suppose to feel when im happy and since i cant answer that i wonder if ive ever known happiness. And then i find myself in utter despair that feels almost bottomless when death feels like an idea that brings comfort rather than fear. This is an extract from my most recent diary entry when i was feeling Flat and helpless :

recently ive been sad again. At night my stomach feels like it has helium in it and then i suddenly pops and aches not just from anxiety but sadness too. Its like at night when i try to sleep all of my fears and sadness returns to me and weighs me down. I just feel sad and there is no explanation but the strange thing is all day i hardly notice it then suddenly its there dragging my soul into purgatory. I feel ill from it. I cant talk to my mum or nan because they will just tell me its normal and to stop being stupid. And i cant talk to my friends because i dont know where i stand with anyone i know im froends with them all i just dont know who im really friends with and i know its all in my head and i can talk to them about it but i feel as if that would be selfish palming my sadness on to someone else. And i dont know who i would even talk to. I also have something thats been weighing me down and i cant say anything to any from fear not of being hated or treated differently just because im scared i might be wrong. And if i am and i confess it could just become a thing. I also have a ball in my throat at night from sadnes almost when you are about to cry and you kind of choke up except im not about to cry and im not crying. I dont know whats wrong with me. I think it must be all in my head almost like i am making myself sad and im making a problem. Its like sometimes i wonder if someone else experienced how i feel all the emotions and hurt i think i feel and then they thought i was a wimp and that its nothing and that im making a big deal out of nothing. Thats what scares me about life i can only be me and experience from my point of view death almost seems like a gateway out of the sorrow pain and torment of life. Not that i want to die particularly at the moment i just find it comforting to know that thats one thing i can count on.

I went through quite a dark period this time last year when i ended up harming myself and all i know is i cant let myself get to that place again but i dont know if its okay or normal to feel like i do or have done. I was also abused as a child so i dont know if thats a factor. This is definitely way too long and no one cares but i would like it if someone could perhaps tell me if they have felt similar and if so what they did about it. Thanks.

[Dora1994]

Hey .. I've read through all of your post and feel exactly the same. I think deep down you could be traumatised from tour childhood from the abuse( I could be wrong I'm not a medical expert because if I was I wouldn't be feeling the same way). But as a child I also witnessed domestic violence, drug abuse, my ex partner was a heroin addict so was my father and so is my brother. My point being things that happen in our life affect us but it's how we deal with the affects that count. I too myself feel really low, empty, numb just nothing there.. no love no hate .. just a bit of sadness but mainly just numb.. I dont get out of bed for days.. sometimes I dont come home for days.. I dont sleep for days or sleep for too long. I think it could be mood related, maybe depression for us both but I dont know. I've thought about seeking help just cant get myself to the doctors. But it's okay your not alone.. I too think of death alot since my father passed away.. not that I wana die.. just the curiosity of what happens to dead people.. where do they go.. I think you should seek medical help because that's what I'm going to try .. I hope this helped you in some way.. and it's not in your head.. your going through something internally and it would be good for you to speak to someone and I think I'm going to try to do the same x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi there,

Welcome to our supportive community. Well done for taking a brave step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help. Hopefully, you will find folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences.

You are obviously having a difficult time right now and I suggest that you have a chat with your GP about how you are feeling. It is tricky to self-diagnose, and he/she should be able to help you find the right support. I note your user name: ConfusedTeen16, suggests you are a young teenager. May I check that you are aged 16 or over? The reason is that young people under 16 are not allowed to be on Health Unlocked forums, because the content may not be appropriate for younger people. We can redirect you to more age-appropriate support if necessary.

Do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides.

As you live in the UK keep these crisis support helplines handy:

**New** Give us a shout for support in crisis: Text 85258 (24 hrs support) giveusashout.org/

The Samaritans Tel: 116 123 [24 hours line]

NHS: 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non-Emergencies]

MIND UK charity: Helpline Tel: [phone] [e-mail] Text: 86463 mind.org.uk/information-sup...

SANEline Tel: [phone] [4.30pm – 10.30pm daily] sane.org.uk/

Keep in touch! Ok, folks what can you suggest to help this new member?

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse and Moderator

[ConfusedTeen16 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

I am sixteen but ive been struggling for a while.