To anyone who is willing to share their story

[ErinMarionSkystar]

I am currently writing an exploratory essay about 'passing' (the act of pretending to be something or someway you are not) and mental illness. I am trying to interview other people who, like myself, have pretended not to have a mental illness for some period of time. Maybe you hid this from your family or your close friends, or maybe you hid it from everybody. Maybe you are still hiding it. I would like to connect with you and hear your story of how and why you hid your mental illness. You can share as little or as much as you like. Please DM me if you don't feel comfortable sharing your story in a comment.

Love you all,

Jessie Stucker

[debwill1427]

Hi Erin. I am very complicated so you have to bear with me while I give you my background. I have suffered many traumas in my life. No.1 I witnessed a friend being inappropriately touched by a Pedophile at the age of 8. It was reported to the Police, who interviewed me with my parents present, and the Police tried to say that our group of 5 friends were "leading him on" ? The next was when was 11 when my friend's 16 year old brother sexually assaulted me. Fast forward to age 20 I received a Traumatic Brain Injury in a road accident. I fought to get back to work after 18 months and then 18 months later I was made redundant. Finding work was very difficult after declaring my injury. Eventually I got a job in a bank. In this job I was victim of 2 armed robberies in the late 80's and then 1995. In 1998 I was raped by my husband after taking sedating medication before going to bed. Since my accident in 1980 have have been suffering with extreme depression and anxiety. I never had a bond with my mother but was very close to my Dad. I hid my constant periods of extreme distress from everyone. In 1998 a manager told me to go home and see my GP or he would take me himself. After a year of not being fit to work due to the inability to deal any pressure, stress or conflict or confrontation, I was retired on ill health. Still I hide my difficulties and problems from everyone. I am regularly wearing a "mask" in public or with my friend's and family. Firstly I find it very difficult to verbalise what is going on in my head and how I feel. Secondly I feel like a complete failure to disclose that I am struggling, can't cope or need help. It is very hard for me to admit that. I believe that the traumas in my childhood have little to do with my Mental Health or possible PTSD, however I believe that the Traumatic Brain Injury and subsequent traumas have all contributed to PTSD and Mental Health problems. I was diagnosed with PTSD following the second armed robbery but never received any treatment for it. I was wearing my "mask" and hiding the anxiety from my colleagues and friends because I feared losing my job. Since 1998 have have had constant insomnia and been refused an assessment at a sleep clinic as "at my age (58) 3 and a half hours sleep every night is sufficient"! I believe that these multiple problems relating a combination of PTSD and the Brain Injury Suffered in 1980. I have never been treated for PTSD and the NHS are currently refusing a proper assessment or any treatment for my Mental Health or to recognise the PTSD clearly noted in my medical records from 1995. I cannot hide from the depths of this black hole any longer as I have run out of strength and fight. I say that I am feeling suicidal, hopeless and unable to carry on or cope. But the Medical Professional workers either ignore my words, ignore what I am able to write down or disbelieve me. I shouldn't have hidden my difficulties for so long as this is now compounding my problems and leading my brain to believe that I am too old, too complicated and too costly for support or treatment, I am worthless and they want me to kill myself. In other words, No Hope!

[ErinMarionSkystar in reply to debwill1427]

It is never too late to find help. I am so sorry all this has happened to you, even though I know those words sound cliché. I am also deeply sorry that the medical workers haven't listened to you. I can't imagine what would have happened to me had my family, friends, and therapists not believed me or shunned me. I know it's hard, but there is truly no shame in asking for help. Support groups like this one are all over the place, and there are so many mental health workers willing to help you if you give them another chance. If you need someone to talk to, message me I'd be happy to help however I can and share what I know.

[sweetiepye]

I'm not sure if my trips from reality are what you are looking for so I'll describe a little and you can let me know if you want more. My Father died when I was 5 and around this time I learned to pretend. If life got to be too much I would make a different one in my head. I could be anyone, do anything. I never used the people in my real life. I always did this when I was napping or going to sleep at night. I have never told anyone and I am 72 now. I still use this tool as I think of it. I have houses in different areas of the world, in towns with neighbors, I can tell you what is in the drawers in each house. I never think of this as crazy behavior , but as a tool I use to use up all the thoughts I have. My brain doesn't seem to turn off so I control it. It's actually a lot of fun and I always know it isn't real. Pam