Hi, im new to all of this, im no good at talking especially at the moment as it just makes me well up...I thought I would try writing it instead, I seem to have depression and I think its been bubbling for many many years.
Now that I recognise it, I can say it’s a dangerous illness, before I could recognise it, I thought nothing of it. Living day to day totally unaware that depression had a hold of me, being totally blind to thoughts that I felt were normal were actually totally not normal at all.
My thoughts are deep and questioning and morbid, I become anxious and scared of ridiculous scenarios going through my head that were out of this world compared to true reality and possibility, but after a sleep and a new day it would be forgotten and move on to the next, I become short tempered and not show empathy or sympathy, I bite people’s heads off rather than deal with an issue, I hear my inner voice continuously putting me down, you failed, your not good enough, what will you be remembered for, you wouldn’t be missed, knew you would get that wrong, knew you would fuck up again… or telling me to swerve into oncoming lorries or central reservations on the motorway.
It wasn’t until I actually went to swerve one time and stopped myself at the point of yanking the steering wheel that I thought this isnt right and felt actually scared for my well being. I still did nothing, I listened to my inner voice telling me I was probably a bit stressed out and I felt sorry for myself.
Self pity then became another reason to hate myself, I am meant to be a man not a mouse, I would dwell on all the negatives untill I would find myself crying alone in the toilet or at my office desk and passing it off as hayfever, I would feel so emotional and deep about everything, I would question life, and space and feel so un-important and that my life is irelivant in the bigger picture of the universe, I would question what happens after I die and imagine that moment it happens like does your brain still continue after for a bit or do you just fall asleep and then nothing…., I would have dreams of my death in different scenarios, plane crashes, car crashes, murdered, drowning and actually feeling that moment that your going to die, the feeling was so real I felt like I was actually about to die and couldn’t stop it, it was the scariest feelings I have ever ever had because I never had dreams like that, you normally wake up before or you kinda know it’s a dream but I felt so out of control of my own destiny.
It all came out after a row with my partner about money troubles, after she went out I broke down in tears hating myself for the mess I made and feeling pity for the loser I felt I was. If it wasn’t for my partner coming back in as she had forgotten her keys she wouldn’t have known but she caught me in tears and knowing im not normally an emotional person told me to speak with someone about how I was feeling. Im not a talker by the way I keep things to myself, always have that’s just me, but I chose to speak with my dad, he left my mum when I was around 3 and I don’t see him often so not really that close so I thought it would be easier just to open up a bit with not being bombarded with pity and people feeling sorry for me of thinking im crazy. My dad told me it was depression, he suffers from it, my uncle did before his suicide, my grandfather also took meds to control it like my dad.
This was the 1st time I heard of any mentions of depression in my family and im 38 years old… It was also the 1st time I had ever even thought about depression in relation to what I was feeling, the thought had never even come into my head at all…
My dad urged me to see a doctor and I did, the doctor confirmed it was anxiety and depression and gave me a contact centre number and referred to me a specialist department that talk with people that are feeling like I was.
I felt so relieved that these thoughts I was having were down to something and not just me, and when I looked back through moments in my life and similar thoughts I had had through childhood suddenly stood out and it became clear that I had been suffering with this for a long time just not to the degree of today. I didn’t use the contact number I felt awkward im not a talker after all and after a few weeks the referall program cancelled as I didn’t use it, I didn’t want meds that the doc was offering I didn’t want to become dependent on them, I would get the odd text off my dad but eventually they stopped too.
My partner has been my rock and has been there for me since finding me in tears, I have shared with her thoughts I have had but not all cos they sound crazy when your trying to explain them. And I thought I could deal with this on my own and not have to speak with any proffessionals or take meds. But truth is im struggling again, its great that I know what it is and that was a massive weight off my shoulders and I thought that would be enough to stop the subconscious thoughts coming to the surface but they are not stopping. The thoughts of dieing and being useless and unworthy of anything, start whenever they feel like it, theres no reason or anything specific that starts them off it just happens.
I read somewhere to write down how I feel and read it back to get a better understanding of how I feel, but just writing this has me welling up like a baby, If it wasn’t for shear love I have for my children and partner I really think I would have ended it all by now, in fact I split up with my partner about 4 years ago when I felt the same way and my life was a mess, I had lost everything and missed my kids soooo much I was ready to end it, it got to me ready to drive my car into a local river before a passerby stopped me and had threatened to call the police and I didt want any bother I just wanted to be left alone so I drove off home and cried myself to sleep.
This time its different because I know its depression so although the suicidal thoughts are there I don’t think I could actually do it as I recognise this…. Its depression….yes you feel down, yes you have voices…yes you feel unworthy and yes its fucking hard but its still the illness not the true real me…….But the negative thoughts, the morbid thoughts, the scary thoughts and horrible thoughts I have are still there….I don’t mean thoughts that I do the harm, they are thoughts of harm being done to me or people I love where I cant do anything about it and I feel useless and cant deal with how it feels.
So what now? Is this me forever? Will it get worse? Will it go away? Will I need meds eventually…. Will I not be able to recognise it in the future and do something seriously bad to myself?
I just feel lost.