I'm sick of myself

Hello people,this is not the first time I've talked about my condition,but it is here.i suffered from OCD since age 12.i didn't get diagnosed by doctor but it was obvious,I was repeating moves,some words,in writing,touching,wearing.also I keep things and some I use and some I keep but can't wear because I have thoughts like it brings bad luck or if I had to wear it it should be twice etc.i got depressed when one time I lost some photos from my pc which i considered it as "memories" few years later.then I desided to give up on it.but it seamed it effected on me with mostly everything.i easily give up like when I do a progress or study I get lazy or if I do my work I easily get tired or if I don't do it right I just give up and won't continue.but I think I discovered part of the solution..it's when someone is with me and pushes me I get to do the job.but once they leave me I can't continue on my own..but I've noticed nowadays that even when I'm starting to be with people I'm just uncontrollably avoiding them and return to depression and I'm angry at myself like why am I just stepping backward?and now I have something which I believe is part of the OCD but something that's killing me..thoughts of death come to me whether it's about me or others..and when I see something that can be used as weapon like a knife I'm afraid I'll hurt somebody with it..and at times I can't understand myself like when I talk to my parents about how I feel I'm looking for help but suddenly while I'm telling them a thought coming from nowhere making me think that I'm just making it to seek attention..and because these thoughts come often I can't even tell if I'm really doing whatever I'm doing for attention or evil things or just for help and peace..I'm sorry I talked a lot but this is the only way that'll work for me I can't summarize my talk.

[MAS_Nurse]

Good morning LemoDana and welcome back to this supportive community. We are sorry that you are feeling like this and it must have been very difficult for you. It is very good that you have spoken to your parents about how you are feeling and the thoughts that are going through your head.

However, have you spoken to your health professional about these thoughts? You are not alone and there is help if you reach out for it. You don't say if you are on medication, but talking it through does help.

There are support helplines and websites in our 'Pinned posts' . You don't say if you are in the UK but the Crisis support is available in the UK, USA and is International too.

Also MIND and OCD Action. I have included them below. Remember you are not alone.

MIND - mind.org.uk Tel: [phone].

OCD Action - ocdaction.org.uk Tel: [phone].

Good luck, keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

MAS Nurse.