**Trigger Warning** Looking for Reasons To Live

[broddr]

I don't know why I am here. I just thought I would ask a random bunch of strangers on the off chance someone has a nugget of wisdom to share that could help me.

I am finding it difficult to come up with a reason, any reason, to continue to exist.

I will not go into minuscule detail here about why I feel this way, I would be here all day.

I just feel broken.

I have nothing and I see nothing in the world that is not pain and suffering, injustice and darkness.

I don't have any friends or family I can talk to. By that I do not mean I have no friends or family I feel I can discuss this with. I literally have no friends or family.

I am totally and completely alone.

I have mental issues which hamper my efforts to socialise and I find it highly unlikely, to say the least, that I will ever have a friend again, never mind find love.

People do not like me. I am weird and odd and do not seem to see anything the way others do. I get angry about all the problems in the world. I see things which other people find immensely valuable as completely pointless.

I am fully prepared to admit that my inability to get on with others and society in general is my fault but I have no idea what other people want in friends, I really do not understand people and cannot comprehend how other people manage to get on with others. There always seems to be nothing there, yet people are joined emotionally.

Given that, I have no idea what I can change about myself that would make a difference.

I think I am a nice person. I am caring and loving given half the chance. I am loyal almost to a fault.

But it just never works.

There is very little that I find pleasure in. My life is a constant financial struggle. I am alone. I feel great loss and sadness. I find the world a very ugly place. To name a few.

One or two of these things I could contend with, but all of them?

One thing I could put faith in. One thing that would justify the fight. One thing I could live for and I could cope.

But there really is nothing.

I am totally depressed and find it unbelievably difficult to justify my very existence.

A lot of the problems in my life, I admit, are my own fault. Bad decisions made by me have greatly affected my life.

The guilt and regret of knowing I could have made things better had I made the correct choices is overwhelming and only adds to my hopelessness.

I have not come to this conclusion without due consideration. I have not recently had a tragedy that has made me feel this way. I know that time can ease wounds.

My mental state has been this way for ten years.

Before that I was on a gradual decline to the position I am now in.

My whole life has been one long decline into the depths.

When I was a teenager I tried my best to live fast and die young but it didn't work.

I halfheartedly believe that I may in fact be indestructible and immortal.

I am not afraid of death and there is very little i would miss from life and death would be somewhat of a relief. A release from all the blackness. Given that, and my life experience of bad luck and terrible events, I will never die as that would be too easy.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say to this.

[Hidden]

you know, sometimes not finding any reason to live is a good reason to stay alive.

find your spirit.

[Stilltrying_]

Ooh crikey, I have just written you a very long reply and it got deleted because I pressed the wrong thing. I'm so sorry I will try and write it again. You say several things some of which I put in quotes below and will answer.

"I think I am a nice person. I am caring and loving given half the chance. I am loyal almost to a fault." That is one positive.

"When I was a teenager I tried my best to live fast and die young but it didn't work." It's time to change now. You are not young anymore and can't live in that way. Now is time for a new beginning.

"A lot of the problems in my life, I admit, are my own fault. Bad decisions made by me have greatly affected my life.

"The guilt and regret of knowing I could have made things better had I made the correct choices is overwhelming and only adds to my hopelessness."

Well at least you admit that you have made mistakes which is something. Yes you may have done bad or negative things but there is still time to put things right.

"I really do not understand people and cannot comprehend how other people manage to get on with others. There always seems to be nothing there, yet people are joined emotionally." It could be that you have autistic tendencies. A lot of people have this. They do not understand interactions but they can still learn to do what other people do even though they don't get the meaning of it personally. This makes people socially acceptable and people will like you if you get the rules. I am not patronising you and it may not be the case that you are autistic but as you don't mention diagnoses or anything I just thought I would mention it. It may be that you do understand really but just don't feel the love at the moment as you can't really feel love when you are depressed as the depression takes over.

You have no family or friends. That is not that uncommon. A lot of people who come on here are unfortunately in the same position. I don't know if you work? A good way to make friends is to join a mental health support group or join a church (if that is your thing) or an interest group. though I'm pretty sure you will say you have no interests which is a common feeling when depressed.

It certainly sounds like you are very depressed (I guess this is obvious) but please do realise that this is a negatively distorted view of life. I have been severely depressed at various times in my life. There are no easy answers but sometimes just smiling at someone can make a difference.

I can't give you a reason to live except to say that we are here and we only get one try. You have to try and deal with what your life is now not how you would have liked it to be and to build very very slowly into doing new things and thinking in different ways. If you are not getting professional mental health support then please seek it out.

There are lots of kind folk on here and reading other posts may help you in your suffering. People do care even though this is just an online community.

I am sorry this answer isn't as good as the original attempt which I wrote. Some of what I've written may sound a bit sharp but i don't mean it that way, just that my other reply got deleted so I've just gone for the main points I had wanted to raise with you.

Sending hugs, Gemma louise Xx

[broddr in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks for your reply and I am sorry your original was lost in the ether.

I have tried to connect with people. I have joined groups and clubs.

I just don't seem able to connect with people.

I feel like I live on a totally different plane of existence. People don't seem to even see me.

I have been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia and various general anxieties.

I have been in contact with mental health professionals but their only advice seems to be:

"Have you tried not being depressed?"

I don't currently work, due to the aforementioned mental problems and the physical problems of a brain tumour which is messing with my eyesight along with hypertension and heart problems.

I have worked but in every job I had, I felt the same separation.

I can pretty much guarantee that every single person I have worked with in the past has zero recollection of me. Not for lack of trying on my part.

My personality seems repellent. Acidic.

You may be getting some idea of this in my reply?

I would not be surprised if I was on the autistic spectrum somewhere, or more likely in my opinon, aspergers.

Research I have done myself would corroborate this. But I wouldn't even know how to get diagnosed. Given that it took ten years to get a diagnosis of a brain tumour. And even if I was diagnosed, would it make a difference?

I know I am odd. I know I am weird. I know that I have a different view of the world and everyone in it than most other people seem to have. I know my view is skewed.

I am not saying "I'm special" or intending to sound arrogant, I just know what the problem is.

For example, I find it very hard to believe racism exists. That may sound bad but stay with me. I know it does, you only have to pick up history book or read a newspaper to know it is out there, and lots of it.

But I find it so incomprehensible, so impossible to understand that my attitude to racism sounds like I don't believe it exists.

People hate other people because of the colour of their skin? Really? How does that happen? May as well tell me elephants can fly.

But because of my inbuilt disbelief that such a thing can even be a thing, I find it hard not to come across as if I am defending racists.

I know exactly how that sounds and that is the problem. My attitude to things comes from a good place but sounds bad.

I don't know if that even makes any sense.

And that's just an example.

I don't understand why men treat women so badly.

I don't understand why women treat men so badly in different ways.

I simply don't understand why people treat other people so badly in general.

I don't understand why everyone seems to be obsessed with sex.

I don't understand why everyone is obsessed with drink, drugs and football.

I don't understand why the world is in the mess it is in when there are many solutions available.

I don't understand why a child dies from starvation while a rich man drives a Rolls RoyceI

I don't understand much of what goes on in the world.

I feel like we are all playing a game but I haven't been given the instructions.

and so on, ad infinitum.

Other people think I am weird and avoid me. I cannot communicate with others because I simply am not on the same level. It is my fault but there is nothing I can do about it.

So while I appreciate your advice on making friends, I cannot do it. I have tried and find it impossible. It is hard to make friends with people when they think you are a weirdo.

I don't know, I apologise if this reply is not as considerate as it should be given that you have taken time to try and help me. I appreciate it, I really do.

People have tried to help me in the past and received the same response from me.

I don't know what I want someone to say and it stands to reason that, unless you know how I feel inside, it would be impossible for you to say anything other than the usual.

"Try to be strong", "things will get better", "it is not that bad", "have you tried not being crazy?"

I don't mean to sound thankless, far from it. I really do thank you.

One of the problems I have is that I know that nobody has the answer. All anyone can say is 'be strong things will get better'.

What other words are there?

I don't even know if I am actually depressed in the traditional sense. I just don't see any point to life. I am not feeling sorry for myself the whole time. I am just sleepwalking and have come to the logical conclusion that there is not much difference for me than how my life is now and not being alive.

I am not considering suicide right now. I don't think I would commit suicide,

I believe that would be pointless.

My thoughts on that are more of actively looking for and putting myself in a situation where I can sacrifice my life for someone else so at least it was worth something to someone somewhere.

It may sound silly but I would go looking for trouble. Try and

save people from danger. If I saved someone and lived, that would be a

bonus and I could then try and save someone else.

At least my final act would have some value.

Plus I really wouldn't want to put that burden on another person. Finding my lifeless corpse swinging from a tree, or bloated at the bottom of a lake. That's not fair on anyone.

My situation is not really that clouded by emotion.

I am not bewailing my lot. I just don't feel like I belong.

My life is empty and I know it will not improve.

I have tried to try, many times.

Thanks and I am sorry if my negativity has made you feel unappreciated. That was not my intention.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to broddr]

Thank you so much for your reply, as it has made me feel like I know you a little better. You are very open in expressing yourself which I find a really good quality. I probably shouldn't say this, as i know you will disagree with me, but your personality comes across just fine on paper (or on the screen should I say). I am not diminishing what you feel, just saying what I perceive from the contact I've had with you.

You are right when you say aspergers as actually that was what I was thinking of. A clear diagnosis may really help you as then at least you may know some of what you are battling with.

The brain tumour story is awful ! It's awful enough to have a brain tumour but to think that for so long you were just told almost to "put up" or that you were exaggerating a minor problem is pretty horrendous and I could certainly understand if you feel angry and let down by the medical professionals.

To be honest i have had mixed experiences with doctors and mental health professionals. Unfortunately they always seem better able to relate to you the better you are feeling. When you are really desperate, or in your case "dead inside" you just seem to go round in circles with them as I think they find it hard to extend their understanding to that kind of scenario; though many of us on here will no doubt relate to it: I know that I can and that I know of many others who feel the same way too.

I'm picking up you are very intelligent. You're also a good typist I can see from the length of your replies. Many of the things you mention I too have always thought those things; e.g. how come some people are so obscenely rich and others are desperately poor? Why would we not like someone because their skin was a different colour? etc etc. (all the things you mentioned) The answer is because the world is crazy, not you!! It IS mad and obscene that some of these things go on.

You say your death would have meaning if in the course of it happening you had sort of saved or rescued someone else (if I get that correctly?). And also that if you did do something heroic like that and survive then you could go on to help more people? So, i have a question. Rather than dying or putting yourself in a dangerous situation where you might die and in the course of that saving or helping another person why not just think about helping someone anyway, and if you can't feel good about yourself FOR YOURSELF why not maybe feel some good about yourself by deliberately helping others in a less dramatic (I'm not being critical) but everyday way? Maybe for example you could ask a neighbour if they need shopping and go and do that for them?

Also have you ever thought that the brain tumour may be causing some of these distressing "symptoms" you have? ie the desperate and continual sense of depression or being dead inside? They are well known for causing these sorts of problems and you may well want to research this further.

I will end before I make another mistake and delete this by mistake xx

PS I also wanted to say that I experienced your reply to me as coming from someone who is warm and empathetic ( yes I'm talking about you!!) You seem very considerate x

[broddr in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks so much for your reply and lovely words. It made me feel a little bit warm inside.

You are correct in your understanding of the heroic suicide thing. I just have this thought that if I were to give up on life, I would rather something good come from it.

I have not really planned it out and have no real idea how I would accomplish such a thing but if I could, that is what I would attempt to do.

I am on the full donor register so there's that in any case.

I would be pleased to know that my liver, kidneys, eyeballs etc. would go and give someone else new life.

Plus, as I said, I cannot imagine the horror of finding someone dead through suicide, that can't be a good thing even if you are a police or ambulance service etc.

I wouldn't want to be the cause of psychological disturbance for someone else. Who would put that on someone else?

Someone dying while pushing a person to safety from a speeding car or something, I think is a different situation entirely.

I do help others wherever and whenever I am able and it does make me feel better about myself temporarily. I will happily go out of my way to help people and animals.

The other side of that coin is I get angry that other people seem to be ignorant of people needing help so it is always tinged with the thought of:

"Why are all these people ignoring this old lady who needs help with her shopping (for example) and just walking by?"

I recently entered into a huge argument with several people on the youtube site. I was watching videos of 'People Doing Amazingly Kind Things' and 'Random Acts of Unbelievable Kindness to Strangers". I hoped it would lift my spirits.

Instead I got quite angry and commented that everything in those videos was something I would do without a second thought and asked what was wrong with all these people that they thought something which I would consider basic human compassion, should be put up on a pedestal and dubbed 'Amazing'.

The assembled youtube commenteers launched into me as if I had just condoned the shooting of puppies.

I understand that the internet is not usually a good place to find logical and considered discussion and that youtube especially seems to be full of crazy people, but not one person agreed. That makes me wonder about the human race.

I will help anybody at anytime, as much as I can.

I don't want to portray a picture of a person who is completely closed off. I don't sit in a darkened room crying all the time.

I am very good at appearing happy on the outside. I do have contact with others it is just that I feel it is not real contact, if that makes any sense.

I have gone through a few online tests for aspergers, and while their accuracy can be debated, they are a good indication I think. The tests themselves say that a medical diagnosis should be pursued rather than just believing the test.

However, all the online tests I have completed put me on the spectrum with a warning to see my doctor, so that is something I will be looking into.

I am 100% positive that my tumour is having an effect on my mood.

Other than causing issues with my eyesight, another symptom is massive headaches every day. Obviously that sort of thing can make you feel bad.

It is also affecting my hormone levels.

When I had my hormone levels tested, one particular one, which has a really complicated latin name I cannot remember right now, should have been 250 but was actually over 6000.

I don't know what measurement unit those numbers are in, possibly nanoplums or protomillimicrograms!

Either way the discrepancy is huge and is obviously going to have a huge bearing on my mood.

I believe that the tumour is indeed having an effect on my mental stability. I am also prepared to believe the powerful drugs I am currently taking to deal with the tumour are also playing havoc with my mind.

The only problem with believing that a solution to the tumour is the solution to my depression etc. is that I have always felt this way.

True it has not always been this bad, but unless the tumour has been lurking in my head since I was born, which seems unlikely, it does not explain my lifelong feeling of dislocation from the world.

What you say about the world being crazy is totally true. I do understand that. I understand that the world is inhabited by a billion different opinions and none of them complement each other. My problem is not a question about where the fault lies with that misunderstanding. I can accept not understanding things. I have no idea how internal combustion works for example, I just accept that someone does and it does work.

My problem is I find the world inhospitable and hostile. There are solutions but people seem indifferent, especially when it means some kind of sacrifice, even if it is tiny.

I would love to change the world, to make everyone, at the very least, safe, warm and well fed. I know I cannot. I know nothing I can do will make a difference.

I know that the people who can make a difference refuse to do so.

That drives me crazy.

As the saying goes: stop the world, I want to get off.

Maybe I am too sensitive to it. Maybe I should focus on smaller things. But I find it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that this is the best we can do as a race. A supposedly intelligent and compassionate race. This is the world we built.

That fosters crushing hopelessness about everything.

The same things that are happening globally also filter down to more local events. It is the same thing on a smaller scale. I see it everywhere.

Why are all those people ignoring that elderly man who just tripped?

Why are multi million pound companies ignoring those starving children?

One is simply a microcosm of the other.

It is all around us.

After thousands of years of civilisation we should be living in a utopia. Instead we live in an ugly world of hate, greed and self involvement.

People don't care as long as they can have the latest iPhone.

I feel it and it causes me a great deal of pain.

It is hard to explain and thanks for trying to understand.

As far as suicide is concerned, right now it is not an option. I have two little moggies and they need me and I would never let them down in such a selfish way.

As pathetic as it may sound, I love those cats with all my heart and they are the reason to fight on right now.

The issue I have, and why I started posting on boards such as this, is that cats are finite. One day they will be gone and when that day comes I really have no idea what would keep me fighting.

This is the thing about being lonely and alone. I can handle being alone, I really can. If people don't like me because they find me odd, that's fine. There is nothing I can do to change that. The problem is that family and friends seem to be the only incentive to fight, to carry on through all the other trials of life.

People say, at least you have the love of your family and good friends to rely on etc.

I don't have that and I don't think I will ever have that, so it is hard to see any reason to continue.

I apologise if that makes no sense. It is difficult to put into words ten thousand days worth of thoughts.

Sorry for writing a small novel of a reply here. If there is one thing I am good at it is writing thousands of words where ten could have sufficed!

Thanks again for taking the time to talk to me once more. I really thought I had come across as arrogant and angry, shooting you down as you tried to help.

P.S. a handy tip for you when posting on message boards and forums.

Once you have written your reply or post or whatever, copy it to your clipboard before hitting the reply button. That way if the submission fails, as it sometimes does, you can simply paste your original reply into a new page and submit it again.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to broddr]

Wow, this is an amazing reply! You sound like such a nice person and I agree with all you have said about people and compassion and all of it. There ARE nice people out there; you are one of them by the sounds of things and so i believe am I am many others such as the MAS Nurse who I have never met personally but always seem to find the time for some kind words. Believe me there are many many other lovely people out there as well as some idiots, most of whom you seem to have met! (and me; I do know what you mean about people just walking past others etc) it isn't the same in every country; ours is getting more and more remote in that way.

It is really interesting and puzzling to me that you say you are odd and have no friends as how you come across on here is fine; like I say I am not being patronising in any way. I really mean it you sound really nice !! So what happens to create that distance with you? I am not sure.

To be sure you are going through a lot with your brain tumour but you say you have always felt like this. I am not close to my family but I have made friends and then they can become your new family. You have to start somewhere and i would say you have made a really good start by being so open. That is a good way to make a deep and meaningful longterm friendship. You are right that going online is a mixed bag. You certainly get idiots out there like the ones who started that ridiculous argument with you over being kind; how stupid!!! (I'm sorry to say)

Don't let it get you down is all I can say. Yes you are sensitive ; it is not a crime as I too class myself as sensitive as are many others on here. I have even made friends on this forum, I mean people whom i have met and they are really nice in real life. So it is possible to make friends on here if you put the sustained effort of maintaining contact in. You seem very good at maintaining contact though as your replies are well thought and very intelligent AND warm.

Distance should not be an object. I have flown to meet someone on this forum and we get on great. Another time I got a train to meet someone nearer and that went exceedingly well although that person has moved on now and leads a very busy life. I don't hold it against them; that is the way of the world. We were there for each other when needed and that is the nature of friendship.

Ok, i'll stop ranting! I'm in a good place at the moment so able to help others. I would suggest that you just carry on communicating as communication like I say is the key to making those new friends you need and deserve in your life.

Take good care and hopefully hear from you. You can PM if you want or just write on here. I have no other agenda other than caring for humanity and a feeling of friendship towards anyone who is struggling right now as i've been there.

Gemma x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello broddr,

Welcome to our supportive community. It has obviously taken a lot of courage to share how desperate you are feeling at the moment. . Hopefully you will find folks here are only too willing to come alongside and support you. We are listening. We want you know that you are not alone in your suffering, and that there will no doubt be folks here who will have experienced the same feelings and coping mechanisms as yourself.

I realise this is your first post here, but we find it helpful if folks who are threatening to self-harm or are feeling suicidal, that they put the words *Trigger Warning* into the heading of their posts, so that folks are warned not to read any further if they are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. This shows respect for where each person maybe at. So as a Health Unlocked Moderator, I am going to edit your post title for you on this occasion.

I am sorry you are feeling so hopeless that you are considering that your only option is suicide. As an online, anonymous forum, the views and opinions expressed here, though well-meaning are no substitute for professional medical advice. May I encourage you to see your doctor as soon as possible, and have a chat about how you are feeling, and discuss some treatment options to help you e.g talking therapies, medications, etc.

Please hold on and do not give up hope. If there's no one at hand, and you are in crisis, you can contact in UK:

The Samaritans Tel: 116 123 [24 hours line]

NHS: 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non-Emergencies]

SANE: sane.org.uk/ SANEline: 0300 304 7000 (4:30pm-10:30pm daily)

If you live outside the UK here are some international Crisis Support Helplines:

healthunlocked.com/mental-h...

shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

Please stay safe! Your life is valuable and important. Keep in touch. We are listening and we care.

[broddr in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thanks for your reply.

I have to say I have little faith in the medical professions right now.

When I did see my GP about depression, which took a lot I might add and putting it off for weeks before finally building up the courage, he told me, and I quote:

"If you lived in Africa and went to a doctor about feeling a bit unhappy they would do nothing and ask you to leave, why do you think it should be any different here?"

That was really helpful.

I saw a different doctor who sent me to a psychiatrist who then set up a CPN but to be honest, I feel that the only advice they can give are things like:

"Have you tried not being unhappy and depressed?"

"Have you tried not being nuts?"

I appreciate I am a psychiatrists nightmare and I understand and appreciate they are trying to help but it all seems such a waste of time to me.

I suffer from social anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia and find it difficult to leave my home. My CPN initially visited me at home but could not wait to get me to come to her office instead, in the middle of a very busy town centre. I doubt whether my mental well being was at the forefront of that decision to say the least.

Similarly, last year I was diagnosed with a tumour in my head. I had been to see my GP on and off over the last ten years about daily headaches and it took this long to get to the bottom of this and it was via my local optician.

The tumour had grown so large it was pushing on my optic nerves and playing hell with my eyesight but it was only a emergency referral from my optician that got the ball rolling with CT and MRI scans.

For ten years, the various GPs I had seen had just prescribed painkillers and various odd diagnoses like stress, grinding my teeth, not enough exercise, too much exercise etc.

All things they could send me away with with little effort on their part. I got the distinct impression that they thought I was wasting their time over a headache.

As a result there is very little faith in doctors etc. from me.

I do not intend to throw away your advice and I appreciate you took the time to reply.

Thanks.

[AjMiki]

Broddr - sometimes in life we have to do what it necessary, other times we do what is required.

In my view, you are completely being betrayed by your own emotions..you are the person you are and can improve.

I do not support the notion you are flawed by circumstances or the medical profession, you are you, your life , your choices!

Yes I have mental health issues and every single day I fight them...I always win, you can too.

[broddr]

Thanks for your reply.

Could you explain further how I am being betrayed by my emotions as I just don't understand.

I don't have much room for emotions anymore. I am basically dead inside already. Burned out and blackened.

I am not flawed by circumstance or medical professions. I am just flawed.

I have been on the Earth for 41 years now and it is clear to me that I do not function as others.

I am not blaming this on anything or anyone.

I did not choose to be the way I am but I do accept it.

As such I also accept that I am not happy being the way I am.

I have tried to change, to be different, but I failed, multiple times. There is something in me that will not let it happen.

I can fight my mind, I have fought my mind. I have generally won.

My problem is I no longer see the point in fighting.

Fight today to fight again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that....

Why?

If I vanished tomorrow it would not make any difference to me and it would not make any difference to anyone or anything else, so what am I fighting for?

i thank you for your reply but it does go along the lines of 'one day things will get better'. I just don't see it. Why would they?

[Hidden]

I never understood what is so bad about being weird, i find that trying to be normal sucks we only have one life if being weird and odd is who you are nothing is wrong with that, this site is perfect since a lot of us arent normal. I take great pride in being weird and standing out. You can find great friends on here no judgement and always ready to listen to anything you want to chat about

[broddr in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply.

I agree with your statement.

Being weird is not necessarily a bad thing. I too have taken pride in not being "normal".

But there is such as thing as 'too weird' or the wrong kind of weird.

When your uniqueness actively destroys other aspects of life it is no longer a good thing.

A weird person who has a singular and interesting view on a particular subject - good.

A weird person who enjoys licking the bottoms of cattle - bad.

While I don't have a penchant for ruminant abuse, I am in the second category of bad weird.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to broddr]

This made me laugh, but not sure it was meant to X

[broddr in reply to Stilltrying_]

Yes. It was my attempt at being witty!

[hypercat54]

Hi did you know you can teach yourself to make friends? I did by watching and studying how people interracted especially popular people. It took me quite a while but I wanted friends enough to persevere and I have never been friendless since. I don't make waves, I don't harp on and on about things I can do nothing about, I don't behave in an odd or weird manner nor do I pressurise people. I listen, talk, join in, laugh etc. That's how to make and keep friends. You can still be yourself but learn the social rules and obey them otherwise you will always be alone.

People like others to listen to them and show an interest but not make waves. It sounds like you know you are making waves but don't see a way to stop it. I think you need to go back to counselling but with an attitude of hope and knowledge that you are prepared to change instead of thinking you are just a flawed human being beyond help.

We are all flawed you know! We all make bad decisions and we all regret. We all hate the cruelty and injustice in the world but recognise that there is very little we can do about it. All we can do is try and make our little corner of it better. When are you going to start doing that? x

[broddr in reply to hypercat54]

So..

Lie to yourself and others, fit in, don't make waves, shut up, be quiet, do what other people say and do whether you like it or not.

Hide your personality, adhere to other people's opinions, accept that your friends don't know the real you, accept that your friends don't care about you, just hang on to them for companionship.

Don't argue, don't have your own opinions because other people don't like that. Follow the trend and the bandwagons.

Bottle up your feelings and never let them out whatever you do.

Don't harp on.

Learn the social rules and obey them?

Conform, conform, conform.

Sounds like some horrific propaganda from a George Orwell novel.

I get what you are saying and I don't mean to start a fight but it occurs to me that your friends are not actually your friends. They are the friends of a invention you created and a mask you wear on a daily basis to hide your true self.

I agree, that concessions should be made for a personality that is corrosive to others if friendship is to be achieved, but what you are suggesting is far more than that. It is giving up completely what makes you you for the benefit of suspect friendship.

How much of a friend is someone you lie to all the time and has no idea about who you really are?

I would rather be alone than have relationships built on fiction and fallacy.

This is clearly illustrating the problem with understanding mental illness. People who believe it is something conscious people can just stop doing.

"I did so why can't you?"

Yes, and I can just 'decide' not to be scared of spiders and 'decide' not to be useless at maths as well.

Do you think I haven't tried to fit in? I have never thought I could simply pretend to be like everyone else and everything will be fine?

If it was a simple as that I would not be here.

"We are all flawed you know! We all make bad decisions and we all regret.. All we can do is try and make our little corner of it better. When are you going to start doing that? "

So because everyone feels that way I should just suck it up and get on with it?

It's normal to feel that way and I am just bitching about something that everyone else manages to deal with without making a fuss?

Pull myself together?

Anorexia, bullemia, OCD, paranoia, schizophrenia, phobias, PTSD etc.

All of these problems can be solved by just telling someone to get over themselves and deal with it, like everyone else manages to without 'harping on' about it the whole time.

"Did you know you can teach yourself to not be anorexic?"

"We all hate the cruelty and injustice in the world but recognise that there is very little we can do about it. All we can do is try and make our little corner of it better. When are you going to start doing that?"

You are assuming I am not already doing that? You are assuming I am just moaning in some selfish plea for attention?

The way I feel is my own fault for being too stupid to recognise that there is nothing I can do to influence global events?

You think I am unaware that other people may actually be cognisant of the issues in the world and may feel as I do about them?

Do you come to this site to find people who are looking for help with the sole intention of patronising and digitally bitch slapping them for having issues and not being as well rounded and socially adept as yourself?

I thank you for your reply but not for the sentiment.

I apologise for coming back at you with such venom, I hope that you really did feel your words were helpful and if that's the case I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

However, I not only found your comments unsupportive, unhelpful and patronising, I found them downright insulting.

Indeed, this post may go some way to illustrate my combative personality and lack of brain to mouth filter (or in this case, fingers).

Here's a thought along the same vein as your reply:

Did you know you can teach yourself to not smoke?

Just get up one day and never smoke again. Never even think about it again and not harp on the whole time about how well you are doing and how long it's been since you last smoked.

It's a simple as that.

You have to just do it or you will be a smoker forever.

You just decide to never smoke again and that's that.

When are you going to do that?

I did it, so why can't you?

See how patronising that is as someone who was, and possibly, is still struggling to stop smoking and came here for support and help.

[hypercat54]

I think have read me wrong. You can and should still be yourself when with others. There is a big difference between being yourself and breaking social rules which you don't seem to understand. Well that's up to you and I can only tell it as I see it.

You asked for advice and I am only a fellow sufferer who was kind enough to answer your post. I do not have to nor am I paid to do it like everyone else here. I do it because I like to try and help others. I have my own issues and don't need abuse from you or anyone. If you don't want help that's fine then I will butt out.

To be honest your response is one of the main reasons why I rarely answer new people until I suss them out. Most new people are fine but a few just want to get funny. I will not respond to you any more.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to hypercat54]

I am sorry you had this experience hypercat54 as I know you are a very caring person and definately only want to help. I can see that broddr has very strong views and is very defensive and it was hurtful to hurl that sort of abuse at you when they don't know you, though I honestly think they are a good person and do not mean it in a bad way. Please stay on here as I personally value you and your continued support of new and old people. You are appreciated. Gemmalouise xx

[hypercat54]

Thanks Gemma. I was feeling a bit fragile and upset by that attack on me. I don't need this nor do any of us do we? I am staying on here of course as no one is going to drive me off. I will stay away from new people for the time being though I think.

I hope you are ok love. xx

[broddr in reply to hypercat54]

Sorry about that Hypercat.

I know I can be extremely defensive.

I honestly thought you were attacking me and responded in kind.

Maybe I did read the wrong sentiment into your reply but from my point of view it sounded like the 'pull yourself together, we all manage' argument you get from many people when it comes to mental health.

That particular from of 'help' drives me crazy.

I just think, if that is all someone has to say, I would rather they said nothing.

In my defence it is very easy to read your reply and take it the wrong way. It does sound as if you are saying all my problems are my own doing and because I have not tried to change.

I see now that was not your intention and I apologise for hurting your feelings.

I did think you were trying to help but wasn't sure. Maybe I have spent too much time on the internet where there are many trolls who just love to wind people up.

So, I am very sorry.

It is not an excuse but I was feeling very angry at the time due to an unconnected event but it was not right for me to let that colour my responses to people here.

I haven't been on here for a while because I immediately regretted what I had written and did not want to see your response to it.

Brain to mouth filter. Required.

Sorry again.

[hypercat54]

Thank you for your reply and I appreciate what you said. I am still staying away from you though as I am feeling too fragile and got too much on my plate as it is. I hope you find some answers.

[broddr in reply to hypercat54]

Don't worry about it. I will not be coming back here.

[AjMiki in reply to broddr]

Why not!?

You only spoke the truth like everyone else has.

[Hidden]

I think that everybody can find a hobby, it really helps. Just to have at least one thing to keep practicing and be proud of.