New at this. Coping with this silent killer I've had since day 1.

[Peaceplz69]

*add me if you want. The more we are open up with how we feel, the stronger we get by learning new information*

I am a 28 year old Male..(FTM), feshly graduated from a veterinary assistant program. I also am a certified eqine massage therapist. And not working,

Above all that; I was diagnosed a few months ago with: B.P.D; Clinical Depression; G.A.D; probably sex addiction; and self medicate with Substance Abuse (along with my prescribedd medication)

Not Sure If Ive Grasped All Of It Yet : [

Before all that, I was adopted from Romania to a "middle class" family. They had 3 sons. And they wantd a girl,---long story short ---heard about the crisis in Romania, came over found my sister and I. (Not blood relataed) my sister was 4 years old and i was 18 months when we came over.

**************************

Things were not easy growing up. On the outside, we portrayed ourelves as a tight knitted family. And Things looked fantastic materialistically.

On The Inside, it was full of manipulation, brain washing, physical,emotional,verbal abuse and so much neglect; tagged with Deceptive promises. And Love Too.

- had my mum not introduced me to large and small animals at a young age, who knows where I would be today. (For Serious!) I get along better with animals than I do with humans.

It doesnt matter about what you have, who you are, or what you do in life.

Mental Illness is Mental Illness and it doesnt give a Flyiing F*c*about who you are.

Take It Easy !

[Mimiqt]

First of all ; Happy new year! May this coming year bring us all to new level of happiness and better coping mechanism for anything that worries us or cause us to be distressful and depressed.

I hear you and I am glad that you’re here. It’s like you are your own therapist but it certainly good to be able to openly express your concerns from time to time.

I’m a teacher. I guide people all the time but I don’t feel entirely good doing that all the time either as much as I don’t feel good about myself. So here I am too.

It’s so great that you find comfort in the animals. My neighbour has many cats and the cats shit everywhere in the neighbourhood. Coming back to home is stressful after a definite stressful day at work. The concept of “home” seem to be diminishing in my vocab.

[Peaceplz69 in reply to Mimiqt]

Hi!

I forgot it was new years yesterday.. Happy New year! lol

Thank you for sharing your kind words. I'm glad Im not the only one who feels they also learn by learning from others experiences..

What kind of teacher are you?

And im sorry your neignboor doesnt clean up after themselves...especially stinky ass cats lol... I love them, but not enough to be the cat man next door who doesnt clean up after them. Gross.

I feel stressed out for you, I dont like coming home to a stressed out environment... Who does though?

I am a good listener, and I take other peoples struggles seriously because its not easy doing this alone. Maybe some of it is beause I understand how scary and lonely this world can be at times? who knows.. I feel too much, and I need to learn how to tone it down or lock it up or channel it into my career

I hope to chat with you soon! Have a great first day of this brand new spanking clean year...

The world is your playground : )

Cheers!

-A.

[Mimiqt in reply to Peaceplz69]

Hi.

Now that you mention it, yes my house is quite stressful. My current house with the cleanliness issue and my hometown- with my not so easy parents as well.

No wonder life is so messed up. We don’t even have a proper, comfortable place of our own.

I actually tried to express my feelings through different platform of social media up to a point that i cannot keep up with any and be bothered expressing while no one’s actually listening anyway (sometimes i block certain ppl such as my family to hide myself from them too). No place feels anywhere near home,.

[Peaceplz69 in reply to Mimiqt]

How are you trying to fill that empty void?

Cause I have no clue.. so im trying this out like you said, until can find professional help.

..You said you practice or do stuff with Reiki? Good for you! How do you find it? What level are you? I know a little about It.

Ive been told many times that; " Home will not feel like home until you feel comfortable in your own skin"

It makes sense in a way.

[Mimiqt in reply to Peaceplz69]

Emptiness feels empty. I used to fill any emptiness with readings but recently it’s hard to focus.

Believe it or not i tried porn but the guilty feelings afterwards was quite self-damaging .

Reiki is good i suppose. I’ve tried the music for meditation and sleeping purposes but i don’t practice it much. My head is too messed up with inner conversations/imaginations. Hard to focus! I’m still a beginner though i’m not sure of its effect in healing. I just love the idea i guess.

[Peaceplz69 in reply to Mimiqt]

Dabbling with new and uncomfortable things is exciting. And scary lol

Im with you on the "unable to shut the brain down for a brief 5 minutes."

Practice and commitment is diffiicult to stick by; but can be achieved... I always try to look for the smallest reward at the end.. Even if I could only do whatever it was for 45 Seconds.

Example; Reward yourself with Self appreciation...bravery, Triumph! Eat a whole pizza and then try again the next day and avoid comparing the times and days before. I mess up there all the time and am continuing to find and learn new ways to calm my mind. Ill let you know in the future how its going. Lol *sighs*

[Mimiqt in reply to Peaceplz69]

I’m trying to commit myself to bullet journalling this year.

I read from the founder that he created to gain sort of self-control while suffering with ADHD.

As for me, i feel trapped in anything with bureaucracy and organizing clutters. At least I could use the bullet journalling as a tool to make the most stressful things interesting.

I had my electronic diary available but i am no longer compelled to write as before. As I discovered my ramblings that i wrote all over the place (on any kind of paper, yeap) everything reiterates again and again. Rather than what used to be a powerful reflection within myself it manifests as Rumination.

I get bored of feeling the same and rewriting the same thing over and over again to fall into the same pit again. So I write poetry. To no surprised that too become another outlet of rumination of depression/whatever it is.

Bullet journalling let me regain some control of my life by seeing the big picture of what I wish to do in my life.

While meditation is so hard to do, getting out those messy voices and thoughts on paper is a better relief. I could even get creatively organized with the journal.

[Josie-Anne in reply to Peaceplz69]

Hi peaceplz69,

I read and reread your story and I also care about people’s feelings and their struggles, I’m a Carer and was the first person in the Isle of Man 🇮🇲 put put home care packages into people’s home who wanted to go home to die, did it hurt? Yes knowing that their life was coming to an end, counselling the family and being there for them was difficult but the way I had to look at it was ‘I was giving that patient their last wish’ or else I probably couldn’t have carried on, I’m very sensitive and people too always come to me with their problems, I seem to attract them but what you need to do to help yourself is don’t carry there problems with you as you have plenty of your own or you become a vessel of negativity that you giving energy to, you need to hear and accept that other persons problem, if you can help or relate to that then do so but then you must let that problem go and have closure and don’t carry that thought around, put a bright white light around you which will help to protect you from other people’s problems, you seem like a nice caring gentleman and what you have gone through has made you the person you are today. Rejoice in knowing that us light workers have many talents 😉

[PNIAuthor60]

I am also adopted (at 6 mos) and was raised in a home where my emotional needs were neglected and my understanding of healthy love distorted by inconsistencies in parenting. It has taken me decades to grieve and mourn a loss I never quite understood until I was older. Sadly, it took much longer than I would have liked. What is your relationship like with your sister?

Have you ever been curious about the circumstances of your adoption?