Supporting My Partner... But Drowning

[AlwaysTrying]

Hi All

I'm new to this site and I'm not even sure if this post really fits but here goes....

My partner of 2 years has bi polar. He was diagnosed 7 years before I met him. Although I didn't know about this when we first met he told me pretty early on that he had been through a couple of months of crisis, resulting in a suicide attempt, not long before we met. But he told me he was ok now and things seemed great for a few months.

I fell in love with him knowing very little about mental health issues and probably being quite blind. He's always had low periods that can last a few days but since coming out of work in Jan things have slowly gotten worse.

For the last few months he's had increasing mood swings and angry outbursts.... A simple disagreement really escalates into him losing control pretty quickly.... Even around our children ( we both have children from before we met). He's also been really low and anxious to the point of not being able to leave the house at all without me. He has no real close friends and has isolated himself completely.

So today I finally persuaded him to go and speak to the GP. He asked me to come with him for support so of course I did. The GP was amazing. She listened to what he was saying and could see he needs help. He's been giving some medication and referred for some intensive therapy and given all kinds of numbers to call etc.

However, I feel so selfish for thinking this, but I am completely lost and feel like I'm drowning in a world I know nothing about. He told the GP how he had all these thoughts of hurting himself and had been thinking about painless ways to die. And this is haunting me. I love him so much and want to be by his side to support him through anything and everything that comes up...... But I don't know how to.

Please help. What can I do? How can I help?

[cakeboss]

I think partners can find it difficult to fully understand especially when they have a slightly different take on life i.e. My wife lives for the day and enjoys herself, whereas I worry about what, if etc

[Gambit62]

First thing is to make sure that you look after yourself.

Second thing I'd say is your partner is in a very difficult place - a place that it is very difficult to understand if you haven't been there yourself ... and one that if you have been you wouldn't want anyone else to go to. Don't try to understand. Don't ask him to explain but tell him that you will listen if he does want to talk and that you are there for him.

I would imagine that there are support groups out there for partners but can't think of one at the moment. You could try looking at MIND's website - they have quite a lot of information on there to help people who are trying to support someone who is struggling with a mental illness.

[AlwaysTrying in reply to Gambit62]

Thanks so much for your reply.

I think you are very much right in saying I won't ever fully understand. I've made the mistake of offering advice in the past so now I give him space to work things out himself and support him when he comes to me for help or to talk.

I have not found any support groups for partners etc locally at all. I know he is the person who needs support but just having someone to talk to would be amazing.

I feel so lonely. I can't really talk to my friends and family without him feeling self conscious around them or worrying about them judging him. And I can't talk to him about how I feel without making him feel guilty and making it harder for him or causing an argument.

I just feel like I'm in this totally alone and clueless. I can be in work and I suddenly feel panicky or sad thinking about how he's coping and I'm in the toilets in tears. I can't sleep properly because all the things I need to do the next day are racing through my head.... and im someone who never has trouble sleeping.

But, again, I know I'm not the one who is ill and what he's going through is so much worse but I'm worried that I'm losing the grip on my own mental well-being in the mix of this and I'm being of no use to him. I feel like I'm losing my best friend because before things got really bad he would be the person I could talk to about anything but now he takes it as a personal attack on him if I'm ever feeling unhappy.... And that's the last thing I want to add into the mix.

Should I try and talk to him? How? Or should I just keep it to myself until he's feeling stronger?

[Gambit62 in reply to AlwaysTrying]

You obviously do need to talk as it is stressing you out and affecting your relationship. What I'd suggest is looking at may be booking a session with someone like RELATE. It can be very difficult talking to a partner about feelings and there is a high risk that when someone is upset they don't actually hear what is being said but hear what they think is being said. The advantage of something like relate that it is someone who is independent but trained in recognising this and helping both of you to say what you feel and be heard by the other party.

If your partner has bipolar then this will just be a cycle so he will come out the other end, but it also means that it is going to happen again in the future, so you need to develop coping strategies as a partnership if the relationship isn't going to suffer and fall apart

Whilst it might not seem relevant a carers support group (not specifically looking for something related to mental health) might help. Unfortunately there are a lot of illnesses and even getting old can mean changes in the personality of the person you are caring for - dementia is an obvious one - but chronic pain will can also result in depression. However, I'd suggest trying to arrange a joint counselling session to talk things through so you can retain the honesty in your relationship first.

There is one technique that can sometimes help - can't remember what it is called - but it involves trying to make sure that you express what is going on in ways that aren't personal, eg 'when x happens it makes me feel.... I think it would it would help me if ....' then trying to have a conversation on that basis.