The overwhelming gushes of trauma time after time. How can I tackle this?

My story is a long one for someone who is turning 26 in a few days time. For the purpose of condensing and the attempt to not bring everything to the surface at a sensitive time for myself, here is my back ground in a nutshell:

-Childhood - dysfunction family with dangerous levels of control with physical and emotional abuse. Bullied of course at school (winkle pickers and a satchel was not embraced!)I have the constant reminder of my mothers voice bellowing 'i never wanted kids anyway, you were a one night mistake in my flat'. I understand why my parents are this way; it is an abuse cycle, I want to stop with myself.

- Relationships - I've managed to achieve a unhealthy pattern of choosing men who are not faithful and are compulsive liars so that they feel better about their image. This also includes, abuse on all levels.

Friendships – non exsistent, after realising I’d surrounded myself with people who don’t want what’s best for me. It’s been 3 years of no contact, and it’s safe to say they never were interested. I will add I was recently sexually abused by a best friend of 5 years – who can I trust?

Work- Worked as a SME credit risk broker/ underwriter up until 2016 when I resigned due to executive bulling, since everyone caught on and were behind me, it made it impossible to work there without it getting messy. I could not cope with the death of friends and family that year. It’s a market that never employees so getting back in there wasn’t an option and they would never take the side of a senior executive over a young broker.

Breakdowns x3 - I’ve struggled to live isolated on my own for years, and have been in and out of shoddy jobs since despite an array of counselling. Currently breaking my back at a clothing retailer [edited to remove company identification], where people treat you like your incompetent scum.

I’m concerned for myself at the moment, my mental state is erratic, and no matter how hard a pluck at life, it’s a flipping’ cycle, I want out! Any suggestions?

[Suzie40]

Well there's lots that you have no control over. You can't change what your childhood was like; neither can you make right things that have already happened.

What you do have control over is the now and the future. The clothing store job [edited] sounds a bit pants - what alternatives are available? With Christmas around the corner I'm sure lots of stores are looking for staff. Perhaps go to your local job centre and make some enquiries?

I understand the friendship thing. I don't really have any either. Lots of people I suppose I could call friends, but not many with whom I would want to confide my biggest fears. There are always ways to meet new people (if you want to, I've never agreed with the notion that people need friends). Groups, a part time course, at the work place perhaps? (Maybe not at that clothing store [edited])

It's good that you're concerned about yourself - it shows that you're aware that all is not ok just now. Could you chat to your doctor about this? X

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Lucy34, phowah that was a mighty quick response, much appreciated! I agree there, I've been working on this year the perrels of my childhood with a theraphy method of havening which has pretty much solved my issues from way back when, and I can say it's created a relationship path between my parents and I. Because things have snowballed it's basically ruled my entire life which I have yet to tackle.

The clothing store job is totally pants. Couldn't agree more, not to mention my manager is a clear sociopath, whom I've already butted heads with due to patronizing idiotic behavior over the fact he didn't input my wages correctly. Not wanting to admit he was wrong he humiliated me, but forgot, I managed the accounts and risk of companies such as triumph, so it won't fly with me. (rant over haha)

I've been in and out of work the last 2 years and I'm ashamed to say I've had 3 different jobs alone this year, as I've struggled to keep them down as 1 they're shoddy and full of horrid co-workers 2 I've struggled with my anxiety so i'm often let go during 6 months probation because of this. These aren't supportive employees I'd like to represent in any case, it's discrimination. People who hire these days look for experience in a specific field, and 9/10 (exception of tk shoddy maxx) times I won't get a job,being overqualified . I've applied to every receptionists job out there since broking, which I'm more than skilled to do, but,it goes to someone else as I'm over qualified, despite the fact, its what I need right now. It's just been a struggle fighting not to be homeless- my family won't have me. They're black and white and 'it's my problem'. Also I've been in and out of the job centre the last two years, so I totally hear you. I just need to find the strength within to peruse what makes me happy. I'm just very very worried still being on probation at tk maxx and certain things being held against me as usual because I don't stand for bullies anymore (this sounds very victim like, I've just been quite unlucky!)

I've never had a friend I've spoken about all my problems with, I think this is part of the problem too. I'm often overwhelmed by rejection as this has always been part of my life, no one has really ever shown interest in wanting to be close to me, as I probably project a weirdo vibe. I only ever seem to attract dirty old men who are lonely too, but their stories are always great, so it's not all bad! I've joined local groups, vegan societies previously, but the first weren't supportive with me, and as I didn't have facebook (I hate social media btw.) they would often forget about me, and that's not healthy for me. Vegan society shunned me for eating cheese to put on weight - this really angered me as people forget the ethos of veganism. childish, considering I live my life for my own well-being, not someone else.

I've called the doctors this morning, as my whole body has been reacting to stress the last few weeks, totally manic!I'm now only just under eight stone for 5'8 girl again, so I'm definitely feeling it! I've just been sweating buckets regardless of how much nutritious food I stuff my chops with! My mood and emotions have gone from anger, to floods of tears, to crazy happy - I have a lot to sort out!

Sorry about my long winded reply, I'm good at those

Sending big love from once Lucy to another!

[20Voices]

You are starting to break the cycle, by knowing you want out. There is nothing you can do about your past, but you can change your future.

There are lots of places you can look for another job. You will feel so much better if you are working somewhere that you feel like you are a worth while employee. The job center now has all it's jobs on line at universal jobsmatch here is the link to the site

jobsearch.direct.gov.uk/

and there are lots of job search site you can sign up to as well.

Still go to your jobs center and see what help they can give you. There are also temping agencies that you could try as well.

In my area there is a charity which helps people with difficulties get back into employment and also works with you and the employer to ensure you are a valued employee. It may be worth you checking to see if there are any services like this available in your area.

I know how it feels to be used by so called friends and why you feel very wary about making friends.

You also have been through lots of counselling so will know all the techniques to use to stay healthy, rested and what techniques to use when things are tough. I wish I could offer you more advise about what you could try, but I think you may have tried everything I could suggest from my own experience.

I wish you luck in finding another job.

If you want to talk you can send me a message.

Take care.

[Hidden in reply to 20Voices]

Thanks 20 voices! By the by, you have a real darn great music choices, which I've enjoyed every time! Totally hit the nail on the head, and the reason I haven't achieve this throughout is the lack of support I haven't built around me. I hope to change this with the help of this fantastic online portal! Everyone has been super like-minded and kind. Couldn't ask for more.

As mentioned in my essay above, the job situation has been the biggest hurdle so far as I have to balance not being a completely insane to keep the flow of money in and wee roof over my baronet. I get extremely overwhelmed and probably just need a hug and reassurance i'm doing ok. It's also why I'm exploring paths of support, I know I need it.

Yesterday, I felt everything was coming to an end and sobbed for hours after work, as I was pretty much frustrated and didn't feel as if i could take any more shit. I do still feel rather emotional today, but I'm trying to keep my nerve, and push out that little voice encouraging me to end things before work at 4pm today. I do often question the validity of it.

You'll be pleased to know, I'm hunting for work, but my CV is now not great with an unexpected year gap I have to lie about due to the stigma of mental health issues.

Big Love,

Juice

[Hidden]

Hi I totally get what you are saying as I have always found jobs difficult to hold down because of my depression. I have had so many jobs your head would spin!

I have from time to time hit on jobs which I can quite enjoy and indeed 1 job I was at for over 9 years! As usual I did try and sabotage it but fortunately got away with it. My last job was at a DWP call centre which was terrible but stuck at it for 5 years as I needed to get solvent again. Unfortunately it set my depression and stress back years and it hadn't been so bad for a long time. Needs must I guess though.

I found that employers only tend to go back to your last job so have 'amalgated' several jobs into one and 'extended' them to cover out of work periods. If all else failed I said I had been doing temporary work and gave the impression it was lots of it when in fact it was only 2/3!

I hope you find something which if you don't love is at least bearable. Having to work to earn sucks doesn't it? x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi juicylucymillward, I have had to edit a couple of these posts because companies were identified. I appreciate that it can be very specific, but forum policy is not to identify individual companies. Best wishes.