I'm trapped, I don't even know what to say.
I'm hideous, obese, have depression and social anxiety, was diagnosed with autism.
I'm 19, but have never had a job. I'm scared to leave my house. When I leave, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like people will judge me for my weight. I'm 278.6lbs at 5ft 7. People look, people mock, people laugh. I have been trying to lose weight. I started off at around 308lbs, meaning I've lost about 30lbs. But the weight doesn't seem to want to come off this week. I only lost around 1.5lbs.
I don't have any friends, not one. I haven't had any friends since I was in primary school.
I was meant to enroll for college, but I'm too nervous to go, as it will be busy. Even when I start the course, how will I keep up my attendance?
I find my face so ugly, and I cringe in disgust every time I see myself in a mirror. When people speak to me, I look away to save them the eyesore.
My mother allowed my "father" to come home last night. He does not live with us, and hasn't in years. I don't want to leave my bedroom, and I haven't eaten. But, really, how can I complain? This isn't my house. I'll never be able to live independently, because I can't imagine myself ever holding a job.
I really want to die, or dare I say, end my life. But I don't think I could accomplish that, and do not know the right way to go about it. I have been contemplating this since I was about 16.
My mind is so unstable, and I go from feeling mildly depressed (at least, by my standards), to severely depressed.
As the years go by, things progressively get worse, and the benefits of death vs. the benefits of living on are like 1,000,000 vs. 0.001 right now.
I'll be 20 soon, and I haven't accomplished anything substantial.
I've spent 4 years knowing I have severe depression, but looking back, it has probably been there since I've been 11-12 years old.
I haven't seen a mental health professional about it. I can't do it. I have social anxiety, and I've been putting it off for years now. I can't.
I don't know what to do. I'll have to use these forums for now. This post is kind of pointless, but I find comfort in sharing my experiences with others on this forum and my followers (if they're reading, sorry).