I'm Trapped…

[DiZia]

I'm trapped, I don't even know what to say.

I'm hideous, obese, have depression and social anxiety, was diagnosed with autism.

I'm 19, but have never had a job. I'm scared to leave my house. When I leave, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like people will judge me for my weight. I'm 278.6lbs at 5ft 7. People look, people mock, people laugh. I have been trying to lose weight. I started off at around 308lbs, meaning I've lost about 30lbs. But the weight doesn't seem to want to come off this week. I only lost around 1.5lbs.

I don't have any friends, not one. I haven't had any friends since I was in primary school.

I was meant to enroll for college, but I'm too nervous to go, as it will be busy. Even when I start the course, how will I keep up my attendance?

I find my face so ugly, and I cringe in disgust every time I see myself in a mirror. When people speak to me, I look away to save them the eyesore.

My mother allowed my "father" to come home last night. He does not live with us, and hasn't in years. I don't want to leave my bedroom, and I haven't eaten. But, really, how can I complain? This isn't my house. I'll never be able to live independently, because I can't imagine myself ever holding a job.

I really want to die, or dare I say, end my life. But I don't think I could accomplish that, and do not know the right way to go about it. I have been contemplating this since I was about 16.

My mind is so unstable, and I go from feeling mildly depressed (at least, by my standards), to severely depressed.

As the years go by, things progressively get worse, and the benefits of death vs. the benefits of living on are like 1,000,000 vs. 0.001 right now.

I'll be 20 soon, and I haven't accomplished anything substantial.

I've spent 4 years knowing I have severe depression, but looking back, it has probably been there since I've been 11-12 years old.

I haven't seen a mental health professional about it. I can't do it. I have social anxiety, and I've been putting it off for years now. I can't.

I don't know what to do. I'll have to use these forums for now. This post is kind of pointless, but I find comfort in sharing my experiences with others on this forum and my followers (if they're reading, sorry).

[Hidden]

Hi DiDiZia I am so sorry you have these issues and feel so awful. You really do need to get medical help you know, as nothing will change until you make it. Maybe if you stay here and chat to us you will find the courage soon. I hope so.

I understand about your weight but would not call you 'hideous' just because you are obese. I would call you obese. Do you understand what I am saying? You have as much right as anyone to a life and to go out and about. If anyone judges you then it says far more about them than about you.

I have a friend who from around your age has been and still is morbidly obese. She is 5 foot 4 and currently weighs at least 22 stone. But you know what? She holds herself well and what you notice most about her is her beautiful skin and lovely smile. She has recently joined a local group to find friends and has done. They go out and about to pubs etc. and they think she is great. Oh she has also been married.

Ok I am not saying she hasn't been the victim of cruel taunts - that would be silly. She has told me some of them such as 'You shouldn't be eating that' or the odd person shouting 'fat cow' to her in the street and I am sure it hurts her even now. I have never heard anything said about her when with her though. She has suffered from depression too.

Ok when a teenager I had terrible acne. It left me with scars and deep pits in my skin. It helped trigger off depression and I thought I was hideous. I too got (and occasionally) still get nasty comments. You know what I did? I went to a dermatologist and had 2 dermabrasions which helped a lot. It's still quite bad but I am living my life and always will regardless. I sought counselling for my self esteem and for a time was on meds. Both myself and my friend have sought help and learned that those who make nasty comments are &&****£%$ who need to bolster their own self esteem to make themselves feel better. Ok it does hurt and there are a few times I ended up feeling horrible and suicidal, but it's not stopped me living my life and never will. It would be a lie to say it's not done me permanent damage but I have learned to live with it.

Now my oldest sister is slim with nice skin but with a slighly bumpy nose. She also suffers from low self esteem, huge anxiety, and depression. Instead of looking at nose jobs or counselling she uses this as an excuse to isolate herself coz she felt (and still does) hideous and incredibly ugly. She has never tried to help herself and now can't work and spends all her days watching telly and buying goods online. To her the bumpy nose is much worse than my acne scarred skin and my obese friends weight.

Now do you want to end up like my sister? Or do you want to be like my friend and myself?

I know you are so sunk in misery and depression (not having a go) that I don't expect you will be able to fully understand what I have said or be able to take it all on board. But does it make sense to you? Hugs xx

[DiZia in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I often see women who're my size or bigger, and they appear to be very confident, and live lives much more fulfilling than my own. I always wonder whether they get the abuse I do, thinking maybe it's because I'm less attractive than them, or have a less desirable fat distribution. I think some of it could be my autism/social anxiety. People pick up on it I think. I used to walk down the school hallways on my own, with my head down. I believe that made me more of a target, and because I don't retaliate.

But, as you mentioned, many probably brush it off.

I hope I can become more outgoing. I'm cautious though. A few months ago, probably just before I joined this forum, I started following plus size YouTubers. Started buying new clothes, feeling better. Then I was coming home from college, and a group of about 3, 4 guys were pointing, telling their friends "Look! That's your mum!" "That's your sister!". I was thinking, wow. Am I really that hideous. I came home crying, started eating a chocolate cake. But I came across a quote online saying some along the lines of what you wrote. That they're thugs that seek out those like myself to make themselves feel better, and that we should not take their comments to heart, as that'd empower their words. I immediately stopped crying and moping, and stopped sabotaging my weight loss. That's when I found this forum soon after.

I hope to get myself out of this depressive rut. My father being here triggered it, and I really want him out.

[traisee]

Hi DiZia I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I follow you from the weight loss group because your story moved me and I care, and so I picked up on this.

You've done so well losing 30 pounds and joining these groups in the first place. You knew the journey wouldn't be easy so just recognise that this feeling is just one of the 'downs' in the'ups and downs' that you knew would happen... sit tight, go outside- or stand by the window - and breathe some of this cooler air, deeply, now the sun has gone and left things fresher.

Your 1.5 loss this week is an achievement. You didn't get where you are right now in a week, and the solution and healing will take a while - you know better than anyone that your problems are too complicated for a quick fix, and if it happened overnight you'd not be addressing what's worrying you deep inside. We all know how hard it is, but you're not alone apart from if you keep yourself there, in your mind.

Do get some help, but first do check in on the weight loss forum tomorrow. They will cheer you on, and I'll be looking for you. For now I'll be praying for you. Much hugs and looking forward to a brighter day tomorrow xx

[DiZia in reply to traisee]

Thank you. Yes, the weight loss forum has been a lot of help!

[20Voices]

Hi DIDIZai,

Can I just say that your post is not pointless you will get good advise on here to help you through this.

I agree with lilaclil that I would never call you hideous, It took me 2 years to loose 30lbs and you've made a really good start to addressing your weight. I was always bigger built than my sisters and it had only been since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression that I have been able to look at all the problems I have been ignoring since I was 19.I also have a friend who was always classed as obese. She has never let it bother her and she is now married with a lovely little girl. She is happy with herself and it shows she was always more self-confident than I every was.

You have a lot going on and although you may not believe lilaclil and myself all these people who call you names and say horrible things are showing that they are the horrible people not you.

It is possible for you to have a good life, to build up your self-confidence, to go to college, to get a job and also to be happy. I can see from your weight loss that you really want to work and have a happy life and you can.

You need to get the medical help to get you through this and to support you. The forums will always be here for you and are good at giving you somewhere to talk and get advise from others that had gone through the same experiences.

Speak to your doctor and ask for help.

You can also look and see if there are any support groups in your area to help you.

Do you have someone helping you with your autism? If not you should ask for help.

If you need to talk we will all be here to support you in all that you do to get better.

One place that you can start to look for resources and information to help you is shawmindfoundation.org

Take care and please read the replies you get a few times, but I know how hard it is to take in all the help and advise that is given to you when you feel so awful.

I wish you all the best and please go and ask for help.

[DiZia in reply to 20Voices]

I see my weight as a barrier stopping me from leading a normal life. I can't make friends, may not be able to get a job, because they may not want to employ somebody that looks like me. Can't even feel comfortable going to the corner shop. Once I lose weight, I won't cure my depression, but I believe it'll help a little.

Maybe eventually I'll seek professional help. Mental health is kind of a taboo in my family. I was sectioned at 14, and that's when they diagnosed me with autism, but didn't seem to pay attention to my obvious depression and social anxiety. Anywho, my mum was very hostile to the diagnosis, and doesn't want to believe I have it. She thinks autistic people are those with severe developmental disabilities, and aren't able to talk.

My mum nor my older sister know about my depression, and don't seem to pay attention to my social anxiety.

If I ever do get help, I feel like I'll need to hide it from them. I remember reading a post online about a woman living with her mother that has depression. She saw a therapist, and they sent a letter to her house. The mother opened the letter and found out, then started treating her weirdly/over-attentively due to misunderstandings about depression. That terrifies me!

[Hidden]

You will definitely find people that truly listen here and amazing at giving advices

[DiZia in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I have found the advice quite comforting.

[ElaineEthel]

Please, please hang in there and stay alive. Suicide could mess up your karma and you'll just have to come back and start all over! I am physically attractive but just Incredibly messy, as in, all our living spaces are hoarded-up with junk (yes, I'm actively working on the problem for years, not looking for sympathy!) People (college-agers especially) will point and laugh at our car, which is lovely but full of junk. I'm dragging a husband and three beautiful children through this mess with me. This response is to tell you to please think about people who mock you as people who have their own problems. No person who is decent would make cruel remarks to you, just insecure, tragic folks with their own hard issues. So, try to not place value on their opinions

[Angel533]

I bet your beautiful

[DiZia in reply to Angel533]

Aw, thank you. You too! 😇

[Downtwo]

Dear Didizia

I read your post and thought, Wow, you are only 19 but you are so articulate and write beautifully. Next time you go out, if anyone shouts at you imagine you are surrounded by a protective shield (whatever feels good to you ) and think about all the nice comments made here by other people. Please don't feel that at such a young age you should have achieved anything but the fact you want to is a good sign. What is it you would like to do and be involved in? College might seem scary but it would be better than being stuck at home all day and you might find others who understand how you might be feeling and learn new things that might help you leave home eventually.

I was stuck in a difficult situation when I was young too and it caused me a lot of grief. You are as beautiful as anyone else. People of all of shapes and sizes and looks live their lives, get married , have kids or not, so don't think that you can't have what you want in life because of your weight.

Get professional help and tell the doctor about your fears that your parents might try to sabotage your attempts at getting support as they don't accept you have any difficulties. You are an important person and have a right to kindness, love, care, security, health, happiness and friends and whatever else life can offer you and what you can take from it.

Do let us know how you get on. But the good thing is you are just starting on your life and there is plenty out there for you.

I think the advice given by others here is a good start.

Take courage and take care.