Made a deal with myself

[Elainerevolves]

I'm so crippled with depression right now, that the only way I can allow myself to go on breathing, is by making a deal with myself.

In 2 years time I shall kill myself.

The results of my research indicate my depression should get better, my brain saying there is no other way forward is typical.

So I don't trust it at all; no sir! No way, no how.

In so many blogs people who have survived suicide attempts go on to say that tumors were later discovered; cancer; and other physical issues.

My theory is something is badly whacked inside me.

My visits to various GP's over the last 7 years has been futile; they tell me it's menopause; lose weight, you're depressed.

Anti depressants haven't helped, and while big pharma have tried to sink their teeth into me, I've managed to see I'm just a cash cow to them.

The diagnosis of a hypothyroidism briefly seemed to be the answer to my prayers , but the treatment has made me worse, & opened a whole new can of worms.

So, I've decided to welcome the heart palpitations with an Internal whispered instruction- " Go on ... Stop beating ! Do it!"

I'm disappointed when it doesn't.

I've studied the symptoms of a stroke, so that I know not to seek treatment when/if it strikes.. Those first minutes are vital.

What's the point, when there's a 75% chance of another within the next few months?

I'm comfortable that my God is merciful, and the afterlife is the real life.. It's ok, & forgiveness only has to be asked for.

As long as we are puppets to our hormones, our upbringing.. Social conditioning, how can we be guilty?

Our food and water is poisoned, our fillings even more so.. The scented candles we burn are even killing us.

Enough.

So I think it's fair enough to make deal with myself, and wait , and see what happens first. Might not have to do it myself after all.

( according to YouTube the world is going to end soon anyway! )

I'm sorry if I've depressed anyone, but I can't tell anyone about this, so this is me just whispering to a stranger.

Good night and Godbless !

[Satsuma]

Am depressed too .. So when is it gonna end ? What have I missed ? Everything it seems in this world is poison ... Tea, coffee, fizzy pop, alcohol and the list goes on

[LoriMS61]

Hi Elaine,

I've read all of your posts on the Thyroid page to try and get a better understanding of what's been happening in your life. Welcome to this community. I've noticed that you suffer from quite a few different illnesses and that you have posed questions as to whether you have others.

I have asthma, am morbidly obese, suffer from migraines (treated by not ingesting caffeine or taking any medication for migraines), I suffer from having a poor memory (bottom 17th percentile in the country) and am dyslexic. Plus my current bout of depression and anxiety. My opinion on all of the above is that our bodies are made to fail.

I find it quite distressing that you seem to wish for bad things to happen to you. I understand feeling suicidal. I understand the overwhelming desire to self harm. To me, they are both choices. Wishing that your body would fail on you feels different to me some how. I want to support you, but having watched people I love suffer from things you discuss I know I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

My question to you is: what are you doing to make yourself better today?

Lori

[Elainerevolves in reply to LoriMS61]

Hi Lori

What have I done today? I cleaned out cupboards and threw away 2 bags of stuff. No mean feat for a hoarder ( yes, add that to my list of mental issues ; they come as a bouquet, don't they?)

I could not bear to trip over the mountain of clothes on my bedroom floor anymore.

And as I went through the pile; I asked myself why do I keep buying clothes that I don't need?

Then I filled a bag or two with stuff I've bought from car boot sales ( which I love) and charity shops.

And I asked myself why do I buy stuff I don't need and have no room for ?

I now know why; YouTube & Tedtalks are fantastic to look for answers.

So I have a black hole in me, that is homesickness and loneliness ; it's about loss and fear and anxiety .

And none of these material things we pursue can fill the hole.

I know how lucky I am : I have a roof over my head, and someone who loves me.. And all my physical needs are met ( almost )..

Which makes me feel so guilty that I feel so ungrateful; but understand this; I don't choose this.

I know my unhealthy obsession with my symptoms ( so many diseases) but no support, has got to stop.

There can be no improvement or change if you keep doing the same things over & over again - expecting a different outcome ( classic description of madness).

So I'm not buying any more supplement or vitamins ; I've tried so many , today I filled a case with them. I read somewhere that they are a deception: rarely contain what they say they do; and if so, poor synthetic quality; unless you can afford the good stuff.

I can't.

I'm going to try channel the blaring emotions away ( why are my emotions so strong, when I'm depressed? )

I'm going to swim with the tide, not against it anymore.

If I'm tired ( I'm exhausted all the time) , I'm going to sleep.

If I'm craving, I'm going to listen to what my body is trying to tell me.

I've reached some kind of point of no return, maybe it's a good thing.

Death is not a punishment, you see; I deeply believe in the afterlife, and know something fantastic is waiting for me.

Everyone dies.. No denying that.

It's hard to accept that, our minds don't like contemplating that fact. But once you accept it, its liberating.

Nothing to fear.

So wanting to die isn't as bad as you would think.

I once had an out of body experience ( no $hit!), and trust me, that experience has given me the knowledge, not the blind faith of a happy clapper.

I'm just ready.

It's ok.

[Elainerevolves]

Hi Goldfish ; yes, I know you are right, turn the negative to a positive, we are the masters of our own minds etc.

I know I may feel quite different next week. I hope to God I do.

A very dear friend of mine died a few days ago.

Maybe this is my grief talking.

I thought I was depressed, then my dearest friend died, and my heart got broken too.

Thank you for listening; you are all dear people, I know I don't suffer alone.

[juJu43]

hi elaine revolves I'm really worried about you. I don't know what to say. I know you don't know me. But I really do feel for you. X julie

[Elainerevolves in reply to juJu43]

Hi, thank you.

I know what I need, and what my problem is!

I need a job, to get out there and find a purpose again.

Being unemployed is tough, I didn't realise how hard it is on your mind, to be so isolated from fellow humans... I feel very sorry for prisoners in solitary confinement for years.

What stops me from looking for a job is my complete lack of stamina, energy, I get breathless picking something up off the floor!

When I push it, and force myself to work hard for a few hours, I'm brought down by a migraine the next day.

And that is problem no 2 ; no employer wants someone who is unreliable because of migraines.

I also realise I'm completely self obsessed, which is no good ! I hate it!

So my decision is to stop it, look outwards and find a purpose.

I've also stopped taking 5HTP, because you shouldn't take it for more than a month, could that be having a backlash ? Brain chemically imbalanced now ? ( of course it is! )

And!

We bought a new mattress, which we have to get used to; it's harder than the last one, and I think instead of us breaking it in, it's breaking us!

Backache and pain and not enough sleep... Good sleep being the most important factor for your brain.

We just had a 3 day holiday in Newquay, which destroyed us; not used to so much physical activity ( its wasn't even much, that's what's so depressing ) and an awful bed to sleep on; it's all an accumulation of things...

I'm proud of the fact that I haven't done anything I can't undo, although the urges have been powerful... I'm riding the wave and I feel a little better today ( although I think a migraine is on the way )

I'm quite sick of how strong my emotions are, there really is no need.

They say knowledge is power, I say ignorance is bliss!

Now I know too much about how conned we are as a nation, I feel powerless and hopeless, but ready for change.

Thanks for conversing with me!

[Satsuma]

When your motivation is gone it is so so hard to get it back