For the past five years I've suffered with noticeable extremes in my mood. Although my moods have always been very extreme, they've been somewhat consistent; I'd be extremely down for a period of time then extremely up for a period of time. There were such gaps in the jumps in my mood it was almost justifiable. Until recently. I say recently, the past two years it's gotten worse. But the last six months it proceeded to hit its worst yet. Today's up, down, middle then down in a half hour period was something I've never experienced before. Having hit a new level I instantly knew I'm deteriorating, so called my doctor and he's referred me for assessment.
My mum has bipolar and my great grandad had it too. It was a pretty huge thing to be as honest about myself as a person needs to be to ask for help, my dad asked how my appointment went and I made the mistake of telling him. He did not say a word. Simply changed the subject. Having opened up and been met with bare faced silence, silence that quite clearly said he thinks I'm being ridiculous, made me want to pick my plate of dinner up and embed it into the wall.
In previous conversations he's told me I'm fine, that I have too much of him in me to have a problem. This statement in itself is laughable. He simply doesn't understand. He doesn't see my highs and lows and being my father he doesn't have insight into the erratic impulsive and sometimes heartless decisions I've made and continue to make. He doesn't know what it's like to feel the consuming urge to run away from everything. He doesn't know or feel it himself so how can he tell me what I am or what I'm not?!