Suicidal depression

[Rontgen]

I feel so desperately low that I do not know what else i can do to help myself.

I have taken all the medications that i can safely take already and had several very strong drinks of spirits.

My mental health is bad and a friend has just died of cancer.

Another friend is also very depressed and has mental health issues too.

I cannot get hold of my sister who lives very near to all the shootings, stabbings, mowing down of people by a van, evacuating hotels etc.

Armed police shouting orders as they did to me when i was last sectioned,

My ex had caused the police trouble before in a rough area and they thought they were coming to sort him out again and i was taken to a psychiatric unit in the back of a riot van, being shaken to the floor by bumpy driving for an hour to the nearest bed available, then dragged in, leaving a handprint bruise for weeks.

Sorry my mind wanders and cannot focus any more

[Clazzy78]

Hello Rontgen,

Sorry you are feeling this way. Also, very sorry to hear about your friend who died.

What things have you tried to help with your depression?

I'm sure you'll get lots of suggestions on here.

I like writing in a journal my feelings and thoughts. I've only recently started but it really helps me. Sometimes I write every day, sometimes there's days when I don't write anything.

Walking or outside for fresh air is also good. Again, I find even 15 mins clears the cobwebs from my head.

Best wishes 💗

[Rontgen in reply to Clazzy78]

SORRY ..... GRAPHIC DETAILS BELOW ....... i try to take my 2 small dogs out daily to the park right next to my house, that i share with my 89 year old house owner mother.

When i am very low i cannot go out as i do not want to meet anyone to socialsie.

i have panic attacks and literally close down curled up in a ball, non responsive to even para medics that can take blood, apply pressure to me physically and pinch me hard or so i am told. They can even focibly log roll me onto a stretcher and take me into the ambulance to further assess me and i still do not respond in any way at all.

i have been taken to A & E like this and wet myself as i have no control over myself at all.

I can have severe flashbacks of multiple rapes, abuse, domestic violence, PYSD and other traumas.

When this happens, i have had my arms and legs tied to the bed sides in hospital to prevent me lashing out and hurting staff, others and myself. This restraint reminds me of my violent abuse and i do deep down recognise that this is being done to me and i kick, lash out and scream for help and beg for mercy. In the end i have eventually come around again and found myself lying on a wet, soiled mattress as this has been the only ay to try and calm me down, despite whatever medications they have given me.

So, no i do not go out when i am low. I also wrote my car off crashing into a van a few feet from my home as i was trying to escape my demons that were chasing me, shouting at me, trying to break my door down, i call the police and they did come to my aid but now they think i am, in need of psychiatric help not theirs but to me at the time i feel i need the police. If i was ok i would call my community psychiatric nurse but i am not in my right state of mind at the time.

i am terrified to be left alone, even with my dogs in case it all happens again.,,,,,

As i said i have taken over doses and cut badly and drunk all as a last resort to stop my suicidal thoughts and traumatising feelings. I have been resuscitated before, and even when completely out of it i later realised why i felt as though i was being suffocuted, due to the tube being pushed down my throat to give me an airway to breathe through and to be put on a ventilator to keep me alive but i do not think i am aive but just existing for the sake of others, so mentally painful for me, that may sound selfish but basically that is all i feel when so bad.

i have been sectioned to a psychiatric unit many times but although it makes me feel safe i also feel so claustrophobic being in a ;ocked ward and being followed into the toilet and bathroom, let alone having lights on and windows through to my room for them to continually watch over me for my safety, which i do not care about.

They are damn good nowadays about not having any places to hang yourself from and you have to show your pills in your mouth and your empty mouth above and below the tongue in quicj succession so that you cannot hoard any pills for an overdose. The only thing they overlook is that i am very short so i might be able to hang myself from a sink even, i tried before but they found me too soon and put me on 1 to 1 suicide watch. A friend managed to set fire to himself and burn alive in his room amidst the fire alarm going off. Shame cos he was a clever guy and a good friend too.

The last time i was sectioned, my son asked for the wifi code for my mobile and laptop but they would not give it to him as i might access my medical files and read something about myself that they do not want me to know...What happened to freedom of information, especially about yourself? He had to repeat his final university year as my near suicide put him off studying as he was called home, not my intention, i forget everything else when bad, as they thought he might need to say good bye to me. He loves me and worries about me. As i worried that they would take him away from me when he was under 16 years old but my mum or other relatives would have cared for him if necessary. All my friends kids were taken from them though. he visited me in psych units and a friend of his with mental health problems too but he is a sensitive young man now. Hopefully much more stable than me or his absent father. he has ADHD, Dyspraxia and is on the autistic spectrum disorder like me and they say they are psychiatric conditions !!!

I have borderline personality disorder, PYSD, generalised anxiety, chronis health issues, asthma, eczema, hayfever, allergies, arthritis, aspergers, probably fast cyclying bi polar to name but a few. I have had counselling, various courses, inhospital therapy treatment, intensive talk therapy for nearly 2 years. I think my dogs, son and mum help me most and some of my therapists in the past and present but nothing works for long. I felt patronised by cognitive psychiatric treatment. I can understand most of my issues intellectually but i cannot feel them or put them into practice usefully when i am so very low.

As you can tell, although I am not better, i am higher today despite my mother waking me by shouting at me for forgetting to wash up and clear up the night before. hardly crime of the century after the way she knew i had felt that day.

My doctor worries about my extreme mood swings as he knows my great feeling highs will end in suicidal depression and probable suicide attempts.

Tes writin in a diary can help but u can c how much i write when ok, i would quickly tire. When i am low i do not want to even get out of bed except to kill myself.

Exhausted now but thanks for replying my friend xxx Take care

[Gambit62]

Rontgen,

really sorry to hear about everything.

Drinking alcohol when taking medications probably isn't going to help and could be making things worse.

I had a text from my brother this morning who also lives close to tower bridge to let me know that he and his family were all okay but it is going to cause a lot of disruption. Understandable that it is bringing back memories from the past.

I don't know if it will help but this post talks a bit about how anxiety generally works and it might help you understand a bit

healthunlocked.com/couchtob...

however, it does sound as if you probably need to be getting more support than a forum can provide -

Have you looked through the pinned posts - particularly this one

healthunlocked.com/depressi...

[Kobojunkie in reply to Gambit62]

Drinking alcohol when one suffers from depression and or anxiety is generally not a good idea, to begin with.

[Rontgen in reply to Kobojunkie]

It can make me melancholic but i try anything to avoid the ultimate resort of suicide. Thanks for advice, take care xxx

[Rontgen in reply to Gambit62]

I am exhausted from replying to the above prson but thanks for replying and i will try and look at the articles when i am able to xxx Take care

[Celtic27]

Hello rontgen i know how you feel depression is bad enough but the suicidal thoughts make it far worse im lucky in that ive got a great support network ! Im sorry about your friend passing condolences to you ! Please dont be sorry for your mind wondering as we all have that from time to time ! I wish things get better for you soon take each day as it comes david

[Rontgen]

Thanks David. I am tired from replying to 1st person or i would say more but your empathy does help me xxx Take care