Mumma

[Mand3]

Hi, I'm 52 and mum if 3 aged 25,22 and 20. My 20year old son has suffered with social anxiety and depression for best part of 6 years, would just like to talk to anyone in similar situation, really worried about my son as his sleeping and eating is awful and he drinks most days, he rarely goes out of the house and doesn't really do anything, he spends his time in the house day in day out. Any help/advice gladly received?

[kitty2017]

Have the older brothers talk to him with love care and support. Why aren't the brothers helping the little one out? They should hang out together or just go on a drive so they can discuss things

[Shakeelbari]

Morning mand hi there we have a son of 21 he we are not sure what's wrong with him neither. He has had a very nice comfortable life throughout his teenage years and now all he does is stay all day at home around till 6 or 7 pm and then leaves to go out for a couple of hours and then returns back home. Once he is back he does not go too sleep until 3 or 4 am he keeps up awake throughout the night. We try and tell him to look for work so he can be busy but doesn't seem to listen. He feels empty from inside he says has no friends he mentions and can't work out what he is going through. He smoke weed which doesn't help him or us. We have asked him to get out of the house during the day go swimming or to the gym but is reluctant to go. I can understand how you feel as it's very hard . We are still trying with him as we have two other children but they are younger than him. But we love him and will still keep and try to bring him into his normal life.

[Shakeelbari in reply to Shakeelbari]

His drinking see if you can get him to stop or cut down if he is drinking too much as I assume this doesn't make things better. We keep and keep talking to our son about what he is doing I just hope you do talk to him and explain what he is doing to himself and he needs to get out of this horrible situation but it seems he needs to help himself . Is he on any medication regarding his depression or anxiety? Has he seen the gp ? What about his studies how are they been throughout his years ?

[Mand3 in reply to Shakeelbari]

I do keep trying, it worries me so much with the drinking, he used to be really sporty and fit - football, running, cycling and had lots of friends. He is now very overweight and most days doesn't shower or dress...

[Shakeelbari in reply to Mand3]

What happened did anything go wrong for him at that time for him to change? I think he need help aswell as your son as this is having a very bad impact and stress on you as just like us your taking a day at a time.

[Mand3 in reply to Shakeelbari]

Hi Shakeelbari, your son sounds so much like mine. No he hasn't had much help over the years from any GPS, the school he was at were useless, he dropped out with no exams at all, despite being extremely clever, they didn't care and I even got fined for his non attendance! I am divorced and me and his older sisters have and continue to try so hard to help him, it's just so draining and my 2 girls have had their own mental health problems to deal with too. It's just good to talk to others and a bit comforting to hear it's not just me/us.

[Shakeelbari in reply to Mand3]

Our son was a bright student up until year 9, and in spring of that year he started going down hill with his studies . We were living abroad at that time and I and my wife decided to change his schooling as he was going to start gcse and at that time thought the best for him and changed his school which he hated and once he was in his new school he never liked it and a year later he was asked to leave the school as his grades were not up to scratch and his behaviour didn't help. Since that day on till years have gone by it ha become worse and worse for him and us and not knowing we're did we go wrong with him. We was stupid enough to then send him to London to live with his grandfather and uncles which we thought at that time he would have changed and was serious about his studies and he would complete his gcse . Even in London he joined college but didn't do to well in his exams he has been changing from motor mechanics to accounts course over the years not knowing what he wants to do with himself. He gets really angry really quick if we lecture him and throws all sorts of stuff at us. He wants his parents to have a divorce which he has mentioned numerous accounts which just can't understand what he wants. Since 2011 till now we are still suffering, wanting answers as parents .

[Redhots7 in reply to Shakeelbari]

Shakee Bari, if he is not in school, then he needs to work. When was last time he had a complete physical ? Even if he does not take a full course load. Working towards a degree , will motivate him . Need to make sure he is healthy, then encourage him to set goals !

[Shakeelbari in reply to Redhots7]

Hi Redhot what do you mean by "has he had a complete physical"? He just doesn't want to study we have tried that aswell as apprenticeship but doesn't seem to comprehend. What do u mean by take a full course load

[Redhots7 in reply to Shakeelbari]

Shakeelbari, I live in USA, so my answer may not have been clear. A complete physical is when you go to your GP ( doc) and they check everything, your blood pressure, urine sample for kidney function, blood work , thyroid, etc. He could be anemic which would result in low energy & fatigue. He could be depressed making it hard to focus . A complete physical just means check everything to make sure he is healthy. In America, when you go to college, you can go full time (full course load) or you can take only as many classes as you want . Maybe he would do better taking classes he was really interested in . In America, to get a degree, you take several classes ( basics) before you ever take classes that pertain to your chosen field of interest. Why would he constantly say that he wants you & husband to get divorce ? His lack of motivation is why I suggested you get a complete physical work up to see if any underlying illness could be dragging him down . Do you and husband fight a lot, in front of him ? No blame intended, just food for thought, perhaps putting positive thoughts and environment would show him how much you care and support him . You said he has anger issues, again , make sure not a symptom of a health issue. Sounds like you have been dealing with this behavior for several years and are both frustrated and worn out as anyone in your shoes would be . It is hard to watch your child make wrong choices and decisions especially when you know their potential for greater things is possible. Just thought eliminating any possible health related issues would be a good beginning to figuring out what is going on with him . At some point, you need a break, answers , and professional advice. Your love for him is obviously not enough, sometimes we need an outside opinion to open the doors to helping him get on with life.Most of the time there is not just one simple answer but I think you would feel better if you were able to start eliminating what could be behind his lack of focus ? Sorry for long post but I hear your heart breaking and needing relief. Hope something I have said HELPS. If not, disregard my post and read others with better input. God Bless 😘

[Shakeelbari in reply to Redhots7]

Thank u it does help ever so much .

[Shakeelbari in reply to Shakeelbari]

I know we don't really fight at all but we are both different people and I assume my son can see that so he mentions it but we are a strong team she is my wife , lover, friend and a mother to my three lovely kids which we are trying to keep safe and help throughout their lives as what the world was when we were growing is really horrible now than 20 years back. I'm not sure about America but London has changed and so have people or maybe it's the social media which has not helped.

But thanks once again every bits helps.

[Mand3 in reply to Shakeelbari]

Thanks for the reply, he has had a slightly better few days and also said to me he wants to start eating healthier and cut down the alcohol as it's making him feel unwell. It's just good to voice my worries and concerns to someone else as I don't like burdening my daughters as they're had their own stresses and problems to deal with the last few years

[Shakeelbari]

Mand u need to keep on trying please don't give up hope it's harder for u as a single mom and all is on you but I still have my wife so we try and bounce from each other and help each other even this is hard for us both. We find it very difficult as we have another two special children who are younger than my oldest son to look after as they are under 16,s and we love all our kids to bits and we are trying to help our oldest as much as possible and will help him till we can as my wife seems to be stronger than me and she will never loose hope she is a fighter . I think women are more stronger than men and I hope the best but please do try and take ur son to the gp that is the first call I'm sure they will help and if not keep on badgering them until they do as that's what we are doing.

[Mand3 in reply to Shakeelbari]

Hi thanks for your reply, my son was prescribed citalopram but wouldn't take them as he had researched about them and said he didn't want to take them. It is really draining at times as I have a very stressful job and am also suffering with lots of menopausal symptoms which get me down making it more difficult to cope with my son's problems. Thanks for your advice...

[easy2807]

Hello, I am 46 and in recovery from alcohol addition, my son leads a similar pattern to your son (but does not drink) He is 21 and we recently moved house, his syptoms have got worse since with severe OCD and depression, leading to weight loss. Preparing a meal can take hours for him and changing clothes is almost impossible. I wash clothes over and over again but the are rejected as unclean. I can totall relate, my son got to bed at 3.30am after finally managing to eat some rice but did not sleep. I now try to get him up by 10am and add some structure to his day. He has a diagnosis of Autism, Aspergers and is selectively mute. We are patiently waiting for a doctor referral to a Phychiatrist. It's not easy but try to encourge your son to do a few simple tasks a day, not easy I know as they are adults!!

[Shakeelbari in reply to easy2807]

You mentioned your son has autism and Asperger but has this been diagnosed as you mentioned your still trying to get a referral? Is there any meds he could take to make things better for him

[easy2807 in reply to Shakeelbari]

Hi, Thanks for your support. My son will not agree to take any meds, we are waiting to get a referral to get help with the OCD and possible eating disorder. I am trying daily to get him to agree to the meds but he is worried about the side effects one of which is increased risk of suicide, as he is self harming this worries him. Just taking it a day at a time right now, his mood changes within 10 minutes.

[Mand3 in reply to easy2807]

Hi my son did see a mental health nurse for a few appointments who said he thought he may have Asperger tendencies, he referred him for telephone CBT which was helping but he missed a few appointments and then they stopped, though he can be referred again. It's really hard getting his sleep routine better as I work different shift patterns and can't physically be there to wake him at times. We are going to sit down and work out a plan in next few days around eating and sleeping