Hey there, I'm Dave, 35 originally from the UK but since moved to Australia.
I've had depression on and off for 12 (ish) years, roughly coinciding with my Mum's death - assume this was the trigger, but possibly just coincidence. Was first diagnosed with mild depression around that time, and for a few months was on a low dosage of citalopram (10mg) a day; on these for a few months, seemed much better so dropped them entirely.
Fast forward 11 years, and I found myself in a situation where I had to resign from my job in Brisbane, I shan't bore you all with the minutiae of Australian employment law, but suffice to say I have since been under great pressure to find a job, lest I be deported. My life for the past 11 years has (for the most part) been all about work - 50-60 hours a week, demanding and very intense work that I could throw myself into, coupled with excessive drinking and smoking (tobacco). The main reason I moved here was to break that cycle, and likewise, the main reason I resigned from my previous job was that it wasn't allowing me to do so.
This was 8 months ago. For the 4 months after I quit, I was in a horrible hole, a depressive state so severe that I wouldn't get out of bed for days at a time, wouldn't leave the house, and even cut off all contact with anyone. In that time, I have experienced highs, lows and everything in between. Have seen a psychologist, whose thrust was on mindfulness, to combat my deep lack of self worth and self compassion; we discussed that this may have always been the case, I'd been using work as a distraction for years - probably true. I have also been re-prescribed citalopram (20mg), and since then Efexor (75mg) as the previous was not breaking my bi-weekly mood crashes.
The cyclic mood swings are the reason I've found this forum, and am posting here for advice. I'm married, recently in fact, back in January to a wonderful woman; we wed primarily to avoid any deportation issues whilst I was looking for work but also because we love each other very much. She was there throughout my darkest moments, and I owe her so much. But, given the length of time I've been 'down' she has run out of patience somewhat, and I feel as though her resentment/occasional anger is pushing me away (by my own volition), so that I can avoid conflict/feelings of blame/anything that can impinge upon my own self worth. I want to be able to deal with these downs, they happen normally on weekends, when we are around each other more (she works during the week), and much of her resentment comes from me "ruining her days off".
I will be starting a job again soon, and I hope that this will nurture my self worth, as well as offset my many money worries. I really don't want to be this person, and whilst I know there are many exercises and resources - especially - to do with mindfulness, I can't seem to break this damn cycle.
Any help, any tips, or merely someone who can give me reassurance is very welcome.