I need hope.

[Apricotblush]

Hi

I feel like I really need to share this with others. I've been going through the toughest time of my life. I'm in high school and am coping with undiagnosed depression and OCD and diagnosed anxiety disorder. Before people jump at me, I'm very aware how serious depression and OCD are but after throurough research I have diagnosed myself with both, which intifer with my daily life.

I've always been such a social outcast, and I'm not just saying that, I really mean it. Throughout my whole life, I've never had a best friend. Yes, I've had a few friends here and there but I'm the type of person who ends up sitting alone at recess or the one who no one wants to be partnered up with for a project. I've always had haters too. People hate me. They really do. And the worst thing is, I don't know why. I try so hard every day to be kind and stay out of people's way and to be friendly to everyone, whether they like me or not, but I always get the same sour response.

My councillor said it's probably jealousy. I hate to boast about it, but I tend to be at the top of the class for most subjects, and the favourite of many teachers. I don't do much to help it, but I suppose my IQ is much higher than my EQ. I disagree with my councillor, however, as I really don't think it's jealousy. I don't know what it is but it's like that Spongebob episode when he goes around and everyone run away because he has bad breath but doesn't know it. I don't have bad breath (I hope) but it's the same feeling.

I'm also at a girl school which is great. I am not a girly-girl, but not a tomboy either. I have traits that are attatched to either stereotypical gender. I don't fit in with the girls' talk about 'hot dudes' or the guys talk about the latest football game. I am bang on the middle. I just don't fit in with anyone.

Ever since I was 11 (yes I know), I have experienced suicidal thoughts. I have never attempted anything, but the scratching thoughts are always ringing at the back of my mind. I have, however, tried self harm methods such as starvation, cutting (without blood drawn), biting, banging my head on walls, purposeful sleep deprivation and the most common, self induced isolation. I will sit for hours in my room with no connection to the outside world. During breaks, I do so for days or weeks.

I have brought my mum to one of my councillor sessions to discuss my mental health but it was a disaster. She is always doubting it. She doesn't take it seriously. I try talk to her but she keeps telling me that it's normal for my age and that it is my fault? I'm still confused. I need someone to have my back apart from my cat, my book collection and my long playlist of emo music.

I hope I haven't wasted your time.

[WhiteAlice]

Has any professional ever delved into Aspergers Syndrone with you? It may be a worthwhile conversation.

[Apricotblush in reply to WhiteAlice]

Hi WhiteAlice

I was actually quite intrigued by your point. I read about it now but I'm pretty sure I don't have it. It's a very serious illness that really affects people in extreme manners and I don't think my case is that extreme. Tbh I think I'm just weird and unique in my own nerdy way. Can you tell me why you suggested for me to talk about it?

Thanks

Dana xoxo

[WhiteAlice in reply to Apricotblush]

Actually there are several levels of functionality with Aspergers. It is often accompanied with high intellect, difficulty socializing, especially with peers, low self esteem, and extreme awkwardness. This is not official, do you find it very difficult to look someone in the eye when you are forced to converse? Is it very difficult for you be touched or praised, although you desire it desperately? If so, talk to your doctor and/or therapist.

[Hidden]

Hi it's difficult to advise you without knowing how old you are. If you took your mother with you then are you a minor - ie under 16? x

[Hidden]

I really can relate to most of what you have put here. The feeling of not fitting into a crowd or really relating to another person much is how i was as a teen. That and the cutting and hurting. My depression gas lasted into my 30s. Talking about how you really feel abd getting some help to stop that gnawing feeling in the back of your mind is a good idea in my opinion.. As i have grown older i have learned to embrace my (oddness or differentness) to others. Your not a clone. Your you. Its good to be different. But yes id seek someone to atleast lay your feeling on the table with. Family or gp wise :). Hope its of some help and i hooe this feeling goes for you or at least subsides so you can be happier

[Xene]

If you've diagnosed yourself with depression and OCD fair enough but if you fail to seek professional help then how are you going to sort it out or does your councillor cover all three?

[Hidden]

I can't even begin to explain how EXACT my situation is right now. I feel that I am slowly getting worse and worse. It scares me because I thought I was finally getting better, but then when I least expect it, my anxiety and depression came back even worse than before. It makes me feel so discouraged and that I have no control.

I'm currently in highschool as well (17) and find it extremely difficult to make friends. I am always the one that never gets chosen for group projects and I usually go to the library and eat my lunch alone during lunch break. I feel like I am the only one who has never had a best friend or really any close friends that last for longer than a few months.

I also feel even worse about myself because everyone around me is in a relationship or has been in one and I have never even been talked to by a guy other than a mere friendship that ended a long time ago. It makes me constantly worry that I will always be alone because everyone seems to think I'm a freak and always calls me "shy" and that if I ever spoke up I could maybe have a friend or two. My parents don't understand what I am going through and don't think that I have anxiety or depression and I have no one to confide in. My siblings always tell me that I will be single forever and that I have no friends and try and make jokes about it as well (and I try and pretend that I don't mind) but it makes me even worse off. I know I am still young but it still stings and is painful to hear.

All I have going for me right now is my guitar and ukulele. When I feel really depressed I trap myself in my closet and sing and cry to myself which makes me feel better somehow. Music has always been the one thing in my life that has always been there and makes me feel safe and understood.

I feel like this is really, really, long. Forgive me. But I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone and that I am truly experiencing the same thing. If you need someone to talk to please message me.

much love,

molly xx

[Apricotblush in reply to Hidden]

Dear Molly,

Thank you so much for your reply, it made me feel much less alone. I have to agree about the music. I play ukulele and also piano and I find that I trap myself with my uke (can't with the piano for obvious reasons) and play and cry and connect with the music. I promise you that you will eventually be in a relationship, but don't rush it. There will be someone out there who will love you for you. I promise. Thank you for the positivity

Dana xoxo

[Goldfish_]

The comment "get out of your head and into your life" would seem a good way forward.

Fill your day with activities and stop the ruminating introspection which is so toxically damaging for you

[chloe40]

I have contacted this member privately

Chloe

[hamilton-beasts]

i want to start off saying that you haven't wasted my time and personally,i do not believe in self-diagnosis, however i do understand you may be suffering from all or some of the symptoms for a very long period of time. i do not know you personally but is there an obstacle in your way from seeing someone about your depression and actually being diagnosed with it. i believe you clearly need a better sense of help as like you said , you have been experiencing certain things since the age of 11 and now are in high school. i think you need a better Councillor and i'm sure you can change councillors or ask to be referred to a better because maybe then that person would take it seriously and be sent to a higher level of treatment. I'm in high school as well and have experienced many things similar to you, this is just my opinion and advice. you may take it or not, and i do not mind, but those are just some ways of helping i guess. i hope you make it through.