You know, I have always said I have never lost a battle, yet if life is a war, I have finally decided that I am ready to lose; I have thrown down the swords, stripped of the armour and I am ready. Literally, I am ready.
I don't want to sound like I am exaggerating, and part of me says I am sick of asking for help. The worst thing is that I know it is ridiculous. I will try and keep the bio to a minimum, but this is relevant I suppose. I'm on a rant, so bare with me... Please?
When I was young, I was sick. Very, very sick. My parents, my entire family put their faith in doctors and things just went wrong. Repeatedly. It all got worse. Sure, this has shaped the positives in who I am as much as the negatives - believe me I know that. Yet since losing faith in the medical system, much has changed. I have found ways of coping with my mental health. Posting on here, and I have even managed to find a doctor who actually takes my problems seriously - I have three doctors I trust, three. This doesn't seem like much, but seriously, it's a huge step for me. Go back three years? I did not trust any, not a single one.
So for my mental health, I have learnt to post on here. Learnt to find places I can go to talk, to vent. To ask for help, and I get it, and it's good help from people who actually understand. I am trained in mental health, I work in mental health. So I know what I am talking about and yet I fall into the trap. I feel like I do not want to ask for help any more, not because it does not help but because it does.
That sounds ridiculous, but I don't think it is.
So today, the doctor gave me pain killers. New pain killers, ones I have never tried before additional to the ones I have. He actually took me seriously. Whilst my mother rejoiced I was furious - he actually had the audacity to give me tablets. This led me to the obvious conclusion, I do not know what to do when I get help. Like does anyone know what it feels like?
Worse yet. I finally have financial independence, life is going almost as I want it to, yet I am sat here waiting for it to crack. In part I think that is because despite my financial independence, I still am in many ways unwell. Physically and psychologically. I cannot cope on my own, and I feel like a burden. That's standard. I am a man, men should be independent, so why aren't I?
Because I am a failure, or because I want to be?
So all of this, this I don't even know what it is, is making me literally want to top myself. It's odd that in the face of success, I feel suicidal. Worse, it's no longer just a thought, it's compulsive. The little voices in my head, they're no longer metaphorical. They are really real, and they won't ever shut up. They wont stop with their psychoanalysing. I don't know if it is that which makes me feel this way, I don't know if it is that I am still relapse.
I just don't know.
I just know that I am confused. I don't know what to think. I don't even know why I am posting this.
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Incomplete
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What makes you think all men should be able to be independant? Do you think women are too? I don't understand the difference. People are all people and when you are unwell, whether you are female or male it is very difficult to cope and be independent.
I think you have never learned to be well. If you have been (and still are) sick you are used to it ie it's the known and you can deal with it. You do not yet know how to deal with relative wellness because you haven't learned. I don't know if that makes sense and I can't explain it better than that.
The known you can deal with whereas the unknown can be very frightening. x
I've learnt men should be independent from my mum and dad. They always treated me different because I was a man who was weak I suppose. In comparison to my brothers. Now they do the same to the brother of mine whose received brain injury and... I guess it's just socialised?
It does make sense and I had thought of it, but then I don't know what to do. It's ridiculous. In training to go onto mental health as a specialist doctor/psychologist. I have qualifications coming through my ears. Yet suddenly , something inside me gone: no way should you succeed' I don't even...
There's no evidence you know?
My friend says it's personal stress. That my relationship with my fiancé is under strain. Which is affecting werythif, because she acts as a star for me when she am. I just...
Is it a bit like that kidnap syndrome? That I'm used to things going wrong that now skddet , I'm dependent on it and when it seems it won't? It scares me because now I have to deal with the real world
so when I think on it the independence things stems from my school days. When the other boys at school would bully me. Call me a cissy basically because I needed help from others. They called me a girl and all sorts. Because try saw me certainly as physical weaker, but also mentally.
You are certainly confused and I think your post is the most confusing I have ever read. Ranting is all very well but hardly leads to a post that is coherent and understandable.
If you do want help we will try to help but your post has so many non sequiturs I would n't know where to start.
Dear incomplete, I am sorry life seems to have been such a battle to the point of not wanting to carry on.
Your post is perfectly coherent and sometimes I am not sure why olderal says hello? Sadly we are all in a bad place at times and you were unlucky to maybe catch him on a bad day.
Getting trapped in our on thought can sometimes be like a mouse going round a wheel, more and more negative thoughts can just keep flooding in and rather than dismiss them we try to analyse and make sense of them all to the point we try to convince ourselves we're at fault or broken and have to fix it.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and observe all of these thoughts without any judgment at all, just be aware of them for what they are, just negative thoughts that can come and go all the time and don't have to define who you really are even when you may think they do, they are sometimes just an allusion.
Feeling like a burden is just part of trying to find more reasons to hate yourself and battle your own love and compassion that's inside. It can be so much easier to give it to others than direct it inwardly, especially when you need it the most. Please don't keep looking for reasons to push those away that want and can help just to punish yourself, try hard to open your heart to knowing that it will help and you can start to see things in a different light.
I try to tell myself not to try and understand how other people's reasoning is when they do what they think is best to help, the bottom line is you are in control of what you think is best for you, no matter how much you talk and explain problems you can still have choices.
We don't really need to understand one another to care, so it's not worth even considering what someone else is thinking of you, you could be right and then again most likely you could be so far off the mark as we have no way of stepping into someone else's thoughts, and believe me we all sure seem to get crazy ones at times.
Loneliness can be one of the hardest things to overcome, the fact that we can feel isolated within a world of our own creation even though we can be surrounded but family or friends or strangers and health professionals that really do want to help.
All you can do is keep trying to let them in, talk when you can to whoever you can and know you will move forward to feeling better, life is much more of a rollercoaster than just a downward slide.
Try to be inquisitive in life, try new things, some help, some don't but there will never be a time when there isn't something new to try or experience which is why life can be amazing and very short.
I hope each new day lightens the heavy load that you have at the moment and you are soon able to see that you are a lovely person with lots to share with those around you.
I sometimes think it's harder being a man, I had long conversation yesterday with my boss who is going through a very bad patch trying to be a carer for his sick wife who takes all her anger and frustration out on him and he can reflect on growing up being told to man up, be the strong one for your family to depend on, and for reasons I won't go into he is exhausted mentally and doesn't know how to carry on. I can see the pain and understanding even though I have no idea what its like to either be a man or even know how I would cope in that situation.
But that's also one of the problems of growing up with what starts as a blank slate, everyone we encounter plants seeds in our heads that can sometimes grow rampant once we are adults, so choose carefully the ones you want to nurture and blossom.
You have so much to give and from reading your words have come so far in a short while, have acceptable to have these things go through your mind, then look around you and focus back on the real now of the moment, you'll get grounded again and each time can get a little stronger.
Having a rant every now and then does us all the world of good, but then we have to let go , forever forward. Xxx
Great replies Moni and I totally agree with you. Bev x
I get you completely. It is easy to sabbatage good situations and good things. In my case It was because I felt I did not deserve those things. Depression isn't always just that, it chips away at the very core of your soul and how you view others and things around you. It is easy to become someone looking at yourself from the sidelines. It is easy to flatline and see everything with little emotion. You have to find a way to start to believe that you deserve all those good things and that you worked hard to achieve them, which you have. Try and learn to accept your own praise. Suicide is not the answer its the easy way out. I attempted suicide many times but I am glad it never happened now. Do you take anti depressants?
I am on Mirtazipine. I have been since I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I hate the stuff, it makes me feel worse. My emotions I suppose are more stable, but physically I feel dead. I hate psychiatric drugs, I think they place me at more of a risk than if I was not on them. I take around 40 tablets a day for various things, and I just see it then as an additional risk factor.
People who have experience of mental health problems often make better mental health workers as they have a deeper understanding. I was going to do a degree in mental health nursing and was accepted on the course. The only reason I didn't do it was because I have a degree in something else and I did not agree with a lot of the red tape within the NHS. I have a brother who is paranoid schitzophrenic and they have totally failed to keep him well. I think I would have fallen out with a lot of people because the core of the system is all wrong.
With that I agree. Completely, I suppose a lot of my problem too is that they stick names on conditions without so much as a second thought for how that might make a person worse. So literally, you'll see below about BPD, but their exact diagnosis was 'you have the symptoms but not the dysfunction, so take this and see you later' and I havent seen the psychiatrist since. So no one really knows where we are with that. Psychotherapists wont touch it cause they don't know what they're dealing with. Thankfully I have a privately hired counsellor, and that is an option to me. He does really well, and I am a challenging client. I know this. Really, I do. I try not to be, but it just sort of happens. Theres a lot of ground to cover. From childhood abuse and long term illness to my own complex around failure and the attitude which has been hammered into me that I should be strong but am not... all of that combined. I know that makes me almost impossible to work with. I do. I just feel I am hitting a brick wall at 90mph.
Have you ever had physical investigations. An intensive blood test? A thyroid function test? The NHS one's are usually not extensive enough. I ask because I found out my years of depression and highs and lows was down to hashimotos, my thyroid basically declining. There may actually be something physical going on especially if you have been ill since childhood. Often pills do not work well if it is physical. Also the drugs tend to mask the physical side for years.
Psychiatric drugs are sedatives. The psychopharmacology of it is complex, but essentially that's what they are best at. I have extensive blood tests monthly. For everything. Because of my ill health, and some complex treatment I'm going through. So yes. That's checked often. Nothing ohysical behind t. I know it's certainly possible though.
With regard to the right career, I have questioned this. I work within a hospital, mostly with psychosis related work. I love my field of work, and have really positive feedback from clients. I have seen the difference I make there, I have literally seen it first hand and really, I would do anything for my clients. I dedicate it all, and give them a level of understanding the majority of my colleagues simply cannot. Which helps, because I can literally say 'I understand' and we have some decent conversations. We make actual, tangible progress. I also feel better at the end of a shift, like hey, I actually made a difference.
It's more the disability side I think sometimes. My mental health, as in my 'disorder', well that's a side note. I think I cope better with that. I like to think of it as, this isn't actually me being irrational, it isn't characteristic of my symptoms as they have been when I have been 'unwell', even then I would argue that it is still a relatively normal reaction to a pretty abnormal situation.
You are totally in the right career as you are helping and doing positive things because you can understand patients. I worked with adults with learning disabilities for a while and my friend and myself actually got an argrophobic lady to go outside. Everyday we walked her a little further and further. When she was uncomfortable and getting distressed we took her back in. Eventually the entire anxiety went and she walked happily. She hasn't left the house in 15 years previously. When I left the job I saw her in the works minibus in town and I was so chuffed. Those types of things make everything worthwhile.
How long ago did you get your diagnosis? It's just that a diagnosis it doesn't define you as a person.
My brother has paranoid schitzophtenia and I know this is different but we were told after diagnosis there is often an acceptance phase and the suicide risk increases. He took himself to Barcelona and cut his wrists in a hostel. He was minutes away from death and had to have reconstructive surgery so he could use his hands again. He is currently very ill and gone awol to Ireland. The drugs he has been given do not work properly, and it's pretty bad that in this day and age they are limited to a handful of depot injections to cover an array of psychosis. They all have hideous side effects. A lot more money needs to be put into these drugs and developing more. One cap doesn't fit all.
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I guess this is the way things are for now
I am really really scared
Give up
Every morning I want to die
