Any Advice?

[Iamallears]

Not too sure where to begin, but just looking for some advice. Its hard to describe how I feel and a quick google search for depression has sent me here. Just to let you know a little about my background, I come from a solid middle class family, parents still married and we are lucky to run our own generally successful business, I have an ok salary but other perks include car and fuel allowance etc, so financially i am doing ok. 

But I find myself going through periods of where I think everything is great and I have no issues I can be super focused on something or just generally happy, but then....

I find myself really low, I have no interest at work, I feel i am not being challenged enough and other times I feel I do a good job and get no real praise or satisfaction. I sit thinking, would be happy leaving and looking for other goals or challenges? But then I start thinking that if I leave I could upset my family and what is the long goal plan for them/us. I start to feel trapped! If I left would I be giving up a very good job in the future. I feel progression is slow and that sometimes my job role is not big enough for me and I am just doing remedial tasks that don't even fill up my day. It so hard to type out exactly how I feel but at times I have lay in bed thinking if you just topped yourself you wouldn't have to deal with these issues. And I will be open and honest, when I think these things I know I am not actually going to do it but I do get a small release of satisfaction when I think of how it would feel not to feel like this.

Its all so confusing, I have a long term g/f and my everyday life is not a struggle in the sense that I don't have a real hardship, I have a house, a car, a g/f and I am not financially in trouble. I just feel sometimes in life when i am going through slow periods at work and I have time to think that is when I realise I could have mental health problems. I just think there has to be more to life.

When I originally moved back to my home town to take a job in the family business I fell out with my family because I was explaining things that we should change to move forward coming from a London Blue Chip company in the same industry and I was met with a huge wall of defiance and the old remark "if its not broke why fix it" which led me down the spiral as I am just a mere number filling a gap that was once filled by another person that just nodded and smiled. I think I might be going off topic slightly but my point is that it gives me periods where I feel I am just a cog in a machine.

My g/f has family in Australia and she keeps saying lets just go, lets just go for 2 years and see what happens.... I keep saying no cause I feel trapped in my job, but there is a part of me that thinks, Why the hell not! 

To summarise I just don't know whats going on in my life, i find when I am focused I feel great but sometime this period of concentration will only last between 2 weeks and a month, then I am back at square one , depressed and thinking why was I so focused on that as it has achieved nothing and I have been wasting my life.

I have claimed to be depressed to people in my life and it is always looked upon with slight humour and the conversation moves on to other topics, I haven't asked my GP because I don't want too and I constantly look up therapist until I see the price and decide I can't afford it.

In all honestly I think I am just very confused and depressed, in life if you want something I am a big believer of going and getting it. But right now.... I don't know what I want or how i can stop myself feeling so depressed, anxious, upset and lost!

Sometimes I will say to myself I want to do this, and spend a lot of time researching and looking into something and then finally being put off and again back to square one. I just want to be happy and then I think, I am so selfish because in life I have got a hell of a lot of stuff others haven't! 

Sorry if It seems like I have waffled on but it is so hard to get out exactly how I feel by typing it out. Any advice would be great!

Regards

[Olderal]

There's no need to do anything in a hurry. As you know you're not in a bad place now. Unfortunately having no apparent problems does not mean depression won't strike. Its no respecter of circumstances but if you have no money worries etc. it certainly makes depression more bearable although you still won't be happy.

As I say no hurry but take a month or as long as you want to really think through whether there's anything you would much rather be doing than your current job. The emphasis has to be on "much". Lots of things might seem more attractive when you are going through a spell of dissatisfaction with your job but practically everyone has spells like that.

You are certainly not trapped in your job. I don't see that your family should be upset if you said you'd like to take a year out to do something else. Why not apply for another job that you really are qualified for and really feel like trying. If you get the job then you can tell your family you'd like to try it for a year.

Either way I'm sure that taking some action rather than festering and self analysing will make you feel much better. At the end of that year you'll know whether you want to return to the family business, keep the new job on, or go to Oz.  Keep your girl friend in the picture.

olderal 

[Hidden in reply to Olderal]

Hi ears, I think Olderal gives good advice. I think your depression comes from the fact that you are angry with yourself for accepting a situation that requires to little from you.  You seem very bright and I expect you need to be challenged. You're in a safe spot and that can be hard to give up. You need to be smart about this... make a list of reasons to stay verses reasons to move on. Do some figuring can you afford to leave, do you need more education or training. You'll really hate yourself if you have to come running back At some point you'll have to be honest with your parents, but no matter how much you love them you must live your own life. My favorite quote is from Elanor Roosevelt "Every day do something you're afraid of". I live by these words , some times it's a small thing, sometimes huge, but nothing builds your confidence more.