When you just don't know...

[Sceptic23]

Hi,

A lot of my figurative self flagellation comes from not really knowing who I am supposed to be. I always torture myself and criticise my behaviour in work and social situations, even though there's nothing i can do. I always see everyone else is perfect even though I know they are not. I sometimes think if I was to change my body, attitude, the way I dress, the material things, I'd work as hard and be lucky as other successful people and people would see me as someone else.

I had an interview which was for fairly skilled job, but the whole time I was paranoid about what the managers thought. I've always worked in minimum wage positions and for some reason always been given late hours, and I wondered if I carry that around with me, so I will not be taken seriously when pursuing a career. I got on with the other staff at the interview and trial day but I can't help feeling like I'm behind a glass wall, saying I want to get in but can't.

I want to seriously get started on a real career, but feel like a fraud and constantly envious of others who have made it, and I'm stuck in the same position for ages. I don't have anything special to offer, and believe that makes employers look at me and decide to give me a lesser deal or nothing at all because they can't see a spark or anything interesting.

How does anyone figure out who they are and what they are truly meant to do? Because right now, I'm not sure where I fit at all. This lack of identity is causing me to withdraw from opportunities because I don't think people will give me a chance. I know I have to believe in myself and forgive my mistakes but it's not working out so far

[Stilltrying_]

Hello, I can relate to the lack of identity and the feeling you are being criticised all the time. You have correctly identified that it is you criticising yourself more than anything; you were probably set up with too high standards or expectations when younger and not rewarded for just being you; ie you identity was probably tied up with achievement rather than "being". All I can suggest is to attempt some compassionate self talk. Most people are not that interested in us I find and are much more concerned with their own issues; I find this depressing in one way but also if you turn it around it means they are not going around thinking about us either positive OR negative; they are thinking about themselves x

[Hidden]

Hi you are not supposed to be anyone except yourself. The only way to find out who you are is to take opportunities and get yourself out there as much as possible. If you don't know what you want do you know what you don't want? That's always a good starting point.

Most of are ordinary people who are never going to set the world alight but we have our own value as we plod along from day to day. We live, we work, we make friendships and relationships. You are unique as are all of us even if we are not going to make a blind bit of difference in the world - join the rest of the human race!

The more you do in life and the more experiences you have the more confident you will become. You will get to know yourself better (good and bad) and learn what to accept in your life and what can be changed. The wisdom is in knowing the difference.

And who do you term as 'successful people'? Those with good jobs? Those with a big house and families? They make some people happy but not everyone. You have to find your own path in life and do what makes you happy.

Keep trying, keep exploring and you will start to understand yourself more in time. x

[Photogeek]

Hi there , you say you are always in pretty low level jobs, I would say to you to

Get back into education and that gives you a chance of a better job, because

You seem frustrated at doing those low level jobs.

If you get a good qualification be it a Degree or Technical Skill then you

Will have lots to offer and you can take your chances with the rest of

Mankind.

Also work on your self esteem as that's apparent that it's quite low, you are

Still young and bright and you have lots of choices, so sit down and decide

Your plan of action. I think this will help you to feel better in general.

Stop comparing yourself to mythical " successful" people. To define " Success"

Is not easy. It's different for everyone , we are all so different, different cultures

Difference IQ's and different needs. Be yourself and stop obsessing about

What other people are thinking about you

Why have you been doing low level jobs? You seem very bright? Did you

Go to college? If so maybe you need a Post Grad. The standards are getting

Higher and higher. When I started to worked I had a Degree a B. A, , but now

To get a decent job you need a Masters simply because everyone has this.

So get back to education and change your life.

Hannah

[Sceptic23 in reply to Photogeek]

I have a degree and am doing postgraduate study but can still only get a job in a supermarket. The lab job I interviewed for was entry-level technician, but they said even with my degree, they don't have the time to train me completely.

So I'm having a crisis of faith, so to speak, in my career choice. I love when i get a chance to do something practical or research, but I'm terrified I won't ever be given a chance for a job like many of my peers and colleagues. My degree was not a top mark, and I'm doing my best to better my qualification record with a postgrad course. But I still carry my low mark around me like a cloud. I got As for my final year portfolio but did really crap in exams.

[Photogeek in reply to Sceptic23]

Hi Sceptic thanks for reply, Sarah and Finding me have given you

Great advice. Yes it is hard , I think you just have to get through

This particular job and you will that experience at least. Continue

With your Post Grad and stop being so hard on yourself, you are

A very bright young person who has had a blip but that doesn't

Mean you will be stuck in entry level jobs for life.

Depression can take a toll on our self esteem so try and be kind to

Yourself, and as Sarah says take on s bit more responsibility than

Is in your job spec. Plenty of people get on really well without any

Great qualifications because they push themselves and become

Indispensable to the Company.

Good luck anyway and try and be kind to yourself, as you are

Doing your best.

Hannah x

[Findingme]

Try to find something to enjoy about your job and this may ignite that spark of interest which could lead you to achieve more. You would be more motivated to learn in more depth, and to inspire others.

[Sceptic23 in reply to Findingme]

Funny you mention that, my brother always teases me about my true career being in a supermarket selling tobacco, or going back to teach at the crappy school I attended before uni. He's not serious, but somehow I'm convinced that I just look like a person who would work in a minimum wage position their whole life. I haven't worked my way to promotion in any previous jobs because I was just wanted a pay cheque and got on with the work.

[21esme in reply to Sceptic23]

Hiya,

Unfortunately the teasing can get ingrained in our belief systems and it just further undermines who we think we are or what we can do. Gemma has very eloquently looked at how identity can be tied to achievement. I know mine was tied to academic achievement. My mother called me the 'clever one' and so I strove for high achievement and eventually had a breakdown. I always felt like a fraud at work waiting to be found out. I'm not really sure who I am now apart from just me.

Firstly you aren't what you do. You are much more than that. To be noticed at work you have to do what you are doing to the best of your abilities, offer to help or take on extra responsibilities. This is how employers see you have more to offer, whatever job you do. You have been offered interviews and in today's job market that is excellent. I hear of 500 people applying for one position in John Lewis. If you have the right skills and knowledge for the jobs you apply for then you need to build your confidence up. Compassionate self talk and mindfulness can be very useful.

Also to gain practical experience can you volunteer somewhere? It would show how committed you were to that industry/ career and give you experience. You might not even like it! Do you have a network of people in that industry? They could also help you with opportunities, be them paid or voluntary.

The postgrad qualification will help and I know it can be hard when looking at CVs employers do sift out lower degrees but explain at the interviews about the coursework/ exam split. That you are more research/ analytically focussed hence your portfolio grade rather than cramming for exams.

You are working and studying and you should tell yourself you are proud of yourself for doing these things. Just as you should tell yourself you are kind, thoughtful etc and these are the values or qualities that say more about identity.....

Good luck,

Sarah

[Sceptic23]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Maybe if I don't focus on the negatives and just work hard, it will be better. I'd like to believe that hard work is mainly responsible for good fortune as opposed to luck and natural talent.

I should also probably spend less time on social media too. People advertise the best of their lives on sites and thus look constantly successful, succeeding and playing hard. I read people who work hard and play hard usually are more successful in work. I don't play hard, and if I work hard and do well, I still linger on the negative points. Too bogged down by small details!