It's the Environment, Stupid.

[StressBuster]

My "clinical" depression is a result of:

• A stressful parenting environment

• Growing up impoverished

• Having a multitude of siblings (from the same parents)

• Having a mentally ill (Schizophrenic) brother that would go crazy

• Inability to bring friends over to my house

• Personal conflicts and disputes with family members and friends

• Being gay, discriminated and in a state of concealment

• Anti-gay culture

• Being the youngest, having very few assignments / few demands

• Excessive drinking (to assuage my suffering and anxiety)

• Impractical goals (becoming a film director)

• Lack of experience, wisdom and judgement; Naiveté

• Enormous student loan debt (I'm in the USA)

• High expectations in the things that I love

• A low self esteem (feeling inadequate—mediocre at best)

• Making very little money at jobs

• Being written up as a substandard employee and terminated from my job

• Failing at major life goals

• Death of loved ones (mom, dad, friend)

• Having poor attention skills

In a nutshell, the stressful environment is what has caused my so-called "distorted thinking" that is labeled as "Clinical Depression." It's not distorted thinking, it's the real deal.

[ladeda]

and yet I could fall in love with you anyway

You could also add;

* re-living our pasts hurts over and over

*looking for excuses for a reason to fail

*people just behave the same as they always do, yet it's irresistible to try and get them to see things our way

*it sometimes hurts to love those close to us

*we can only control ourselves not 'others'

*life can sometimes suck, well a lot actually

BUT

*each day is a new beginning

*the past does not have to be the same as the future

*you know if you take one step you move in a direction

*loosing direction on one path means you can try another

*learning to love ourselves is more important than trying to see our love though the reflection of someone else's feeling towards us

*why give up when you know you have some strength to fight

Those that have succeeded will tell you that with every success first came a thousand failures, each had the ability to teach something small that can help you find that all illusive path to success. Yet every sad knock in the past still led you to be the person you are today, someone with a strong voice, someone with ambition, drive, love, someone that already knows what struggle is but is willing to work hard and make a better life. Try not to accept labels, can it really help to just tell everyone you are clinically depressed so all they can reply is 'poor you' even though that sympathy is always heartfelt, tell yourself how strong you are, today is a fighting day, feel the sunshine, let it help you shine. change all your passwords to positive ones to remind yourself of what you want to be not how you feel, look for positive affirmations everywhere. Look deep inside and dig up only the memories of something good and re-live those, try to remind yourself how it felt and practice it so much that one day it will come much much easier and pushes the sadder memories far away to where they belong.

keep working towards what you want not want you don't and you might just enjoy the journey along the way

[Hidden in reply to ladeda]

Great reply. Bev x

[CarolineLondon in reply to ladeda]

Thats a great reply and very true. My brain chose to be have like antibotics freeing me of memories but then because I didnt finish the course , I got left with the bad ones...who would credit it eh.

But from here on with your advice Im going to make a conscious effort to remember the good times! You are very completely right.

Thank you x

[StressBuster in reply to ladeda]

ladeda, thank you for the positive words. Needed that.

[WantToChange]

Our environments and life situations definitely affect our mental health. I was depressed when I was expecting far too much of myself and I ended up failing. I'd never felt so worthless. But it was a life lesson and now I know how much I can cope with x

[Stilltrying_]

I think it is amazing that you have this insight and you have obviously looked deeply into what has brought you to the place you are at. I do feel that insight is valuable; (I have found so myself)

Maybe when you are ready start and set time aside for changing just a small thing. If we try and change something big it may be setting ourselves up for failure.

I have had a fixed belief for a very long time for example that "there is not enough of me". Sounds heavy I know; but I am now rephrasing it into "I have not had enough support" (environment). What is different now is that as an adult I can ask for support and the way i change things is by asking whereas i would have never dreamed to ask in the past.

The "old me " would say I am "pestering people" if I phone them (as I have" nothing to offer"; in my (old) belief system )

My new belief system says "don't assume your old belief system is always right". Challenge it. I just phoned someone. They answered. I didn't feel like a pest. I helped them along with their day; they helped me; it was mutual.

We need to step outside the confines of what our past has told us about ourselves as that is where the prisons lie I feel. (your other post about "worry" expresses this really well)

Gemma x

[CarolineLondon in reply to Stilltrying_]

You, You I know you! How are you! I really hope your well Gemma, nice to see a familiar face and as Bev says you seem to be doing well, well done!!

XX

[Hidden]

You have changed Gemma since I have know you, and for the better. Good on you and keep it up. Bev xx