Falling apart again! 😢

[Shabbaa]

Hi guys.. Sorry I haven't been writing lately just had so much going.

Firstly let me apologise to my friends on here I wasn't being ignorant to Any of you I've just been trying to sort myself.. Kind of feel I need to speak here because I can't feel myself sinking fast!

So.. College has just finished.. Hoping to get all the grades I want as I've worked hard for them.. Just waiting on my results now..

After one of my exams I went out drinking with a friend and ended up landing a job, basically I got talking to a woman and she offered me a job in her kitchen witch I was thrilled about as I have been studying catering in college.

So I've landed myself a job.. Done a few shifts but start properly in a week.. I was so happy.. Like literally.. My life was finally falling into place.. I had a few good friends.. College was over... Landed myself a job.. Everyone could see I was glowing with happiness finally after my past few hard months of struggling alone...

But now.. I feel like everything is falling apart from me..

I went out drinking last Saturday... Had a good time with an old friend.. But we ended up getting into a spot of trouble with some people I thought were my friends but ended up having a huge argument witch nearly turned into a fight.. Now normally arguing doesn't bother me... But I literally go over everything in my head.. And worry over silly things... I know it might sound silly because to me it sounds stupid and I know I shouldn't be worrying over an argument but I literally feel like that one argument has knocked me 1000 steps back.. And I have no idea why?!

I feel like I should be so happy right now.. But I can't because I'm so scared it's all falling away.. I'm literally not the person I was last week?! Last week I was so so happy! Felt like I finally had control over my life.. And now.. I feel like I'm losing it all... I'm so terrified to fully start work again.. What if I f**k it up! What if it's not even what I want to do on my life?!

Everything is scaring me so much right now and I can feel myself losing control again... I don't wanna leave the house.. I don't want to see anyone.. I need to start learning the menu for work befor I go back and I just can't seem to sit down and concentrate on it?!

I don't feel like I'm in the right head space to go into work! Just because of one silly argument I've been knocked right back to the start! And I can't seem to help myself out it!

All I've done is hide away in the flat not talking to anyone! And I just don't know how to help myself out of this situation! I've been fighting with myself not to just end it now! Just take some pills and just slip of quietly because I'm so scared of what's going to happen! I don't even want to be here anymore! When you feel like you've got you life back and your finally on track to making a better life for yourself it can all come crashing down in a matter of minutes! So what's the point in even trying any more?! Why pick myself back up when in a week.. Month.. Year I'm going to be back here or if not in a worse place!

I'm so sorry for the rant.. I just needed someone to talk to who isn't going to tell me to get over myself..

I hope everyone is ok and I haven't depressed anyone with this post

[Maman2144]

Good for you getting a job, that's great. We all have setbacks, it is part of depression that things can go down quickly, but don't give up. Perhaps it would help if you could talk to someone about your worries. I'm sorry I can't offer much except sympathy, I admire you for going out and achieving something positive. Good luck. Regards and Best Wishes Lorna.

[Shabbaa in reply to Maman2144]

Thank you for your reply

I'm happy about my job just need to pick myself up all and just finding it difficult this time.. Thank you for reading thou and commenting

[Hidden]

Hi I have been in similar situations once or twice and it is quite natural to feel very down and unhappy with it. Can you talk to your old friend about it? Otherwise all you can do is decide how to deal with it. Make a decision whether you think you have to apologise or them or a bit of both. Then make your plan to deal with it ie ringing up and saying sorry or staying away from them in the future. I am the same as you in that I go round and round with things like this so have to sort it out in my head to stop it. Once you have made your decision you can then relax and look forward go going back to your job.

Well done for getting the job and it sounds great. You have worked hard for this and now are getting your just rewards. Bev x

[Shabbaa in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou for your reply.. I would probably just stay away from that friend but I don't even know why it has got to me so much just feel like I'm going 1000 steps back and I can't seem to stop myself from falling.

Thank you for your lovely comment thou

[Hidden in reply to Shabbaa]

Hi that's because of depression! We do go further back than others. As long as we recognise that, we can cope with it. x

[Shabbaa in reply to Hidden]

Thank you again for your reply.. Just a viscous circle really isn't it