Around 25 years ago I decided I was going to kill myself. I knew I had some pills in my bedroom somewhere. But it was such a mess I couldn't find them. After ages searching I surprisingly felt a lot better and started to laugh at myself. I never did find them.
I then had an honest chat with myself. I realised I faced a stark choice - I could take my life and I might as well if I was going to spend my life feeling like I did. Or I could choose to try and be happy and learn how to be. After all if it didn't work out there was always the first option. So I thought what have I got to lose?
So I sought help and got to know myself a lot better. I watched popular people who seemed to have lots of friends and be happy and analysed what make them popular and tried to copy them. I listened and learnt a lot more than I spoke and the more I learned the more whole I became and I found me as a person.
Now I am not saying it was all plain sailing - there was a lot of pain along the way but at least I did start to know myself a lot better and if I didn't know what I wanted - I knew what I didn't want. One of the key things I learned was to turn questions round on myself. So for example if I said why does no one love me? I would say to myself do I love anyone? There's your answer. I have got to do it before anyone else can.
Although life is far from perfect and I have made other suicide attempts I firmly believe I would not be here now if I hadn't faced that stark choice and took positive action.
Your story is inspirational and shows that there are many ways we can help ourselves if only we listen to what we feel.
Every piece of advice given here on the forum can be added to each person's arsenal of resources, and hopefully will help against the fight with depression.
When I decided things had to change - then boy they did. In a few short years, I went to group counselling, bought my first property, got 2 kittens, went abroad for the first time, Learnt to drive and got a car and went to Uni as a mature student. Oh I took up darts as well and discovered a real passion for the game. I still play and always will. I even starting making good friends for the first time in my life I learnt I am a very sociable person and a bit of an extrovert.
I realised one of the keys for me was to keep myself busy busy busy so I had less time to think and worry about life too much - I just got on with it. It's much more difficult now I am older and less active with health problems to boot. But I still have a cat, still play darts and still own my own property. And I have some great long term friends....
What brought my depression back full force was my last terrible job and the subsequent loss of self esteem I suffered. You don't bounce back the same when you are older and I can't see myself being able to work again though I would love to. I really miss being useful but at the same time I don't feel I can take on responsibility any more. Even something as small as
working in a charity shop would give me too much stress and I don't ever want to go there again. I can't take criticism without getting very upset which would make my depression worse.
Oh Bev, thank you so much for sharing. It's a truly brave thing to do and I admire you for it. You also really took decisive action.
I've got to get on top of how I'm feeling as I don't think I'm living at the moment just existing. It's a long hard journey understanding ourselves but you are right even if you don't know what you want at least recognise what you don't want.
Sarah xx
Thank you Esme. I know when the darkest depression starts it is virtually impossible to do what I did but when I started to feel a bit better I changed things. I decided to reward myself rather than to punish myself.
I had a breakdown at 19 and was in hospital for some months in London. All the medical profession assumed I had been 'normal' before and kept saying things like - we will get you back to how you were before. I wasn't anything before and couldn't understand what they were talking about. I was a walking talking depressive like I had been for as long as I could remember. I didn't have the vocal skills to explain this to them.
It was only when I took charge of my own life that I slowly became aware of who and what I was and was able to understand the meaning of 'living' a bit and knowing myself. This is a great comfort because I know what is normal for me and when I become stuck in the mires of depression I have some reference point to return to. Not sure if this makes sense!
It does make sense Bev. It all comes back to understanding yourself and it looks like you have really tried to do this. I'm sorry about your last job. You clearly have so much to offer and your self confidence being underminded is awful. I do understand, I keep bursting into tears about anything at the moment and wonder how I'll ever get back to a job with any responsibility. I've got a meeting with my company on the 13th November and am already panicking.
That's so kind of you Sarah thank you. I am lucky that terrible job came near the end of my working life and not the beginning I don't know how I would have coped if it had been earlier because I have always had to work full time to make a living. I am now 60 and able to take my private pensions - they are not much but they do enable me to sign off from JSA. Hopefully I will be able to manage until I get my state pension at 65! One of the benefits of being old I guess
I really feel for you. It is awful having to work in a stressful job and I wish you all the luck in the world love. Take care.
Fabulous account of how you have changed your life. I love the way you still acknowledge the down times but how you try to overcome them. Very honest and an inspiration to us all. You are right - it is about reward not punishment. The depression punishes us enough so we need to take control of it and make sure we can manage it even if we can't fully get rid of it.
Thank you Annie. I hope my post helps others which is the reason I put it up. The reward and punishment thing is interesting isn't it? The world punishes us enough doesn't it without us doing it to ourselves?
I am not saying it is the answer for everyone and certainly for those with major depression or other mental health disorders it might well be impossible. But maybe one day they will be able to reach a stage where they try reward rather than punishment.
I hope everyone is feeling as good as they can be. Love to all.
I was brought up a catholic and went to a catholic school taught by nuns - they really know how to punish without much reward. Guess that's why I feel guilty for everything and have done my best to break the rules for so long.
Take care, Annie xx
Ha ha annie. I know a few people who have gone to Catholic school and they say exactly the same thing. Lapsed Catholics tend to be very screwed up! Bev x
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Bev xx
How do you guys cope on Sunny days like this?
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