feeling the need to get my feelings out there as i seem to be lacking in friends at the moment.
My boyfriend and i have been together for 4 months now, we have known each other 10 years and been together briefly in the past but i kept breaking it off as i wasnt interested then. i am now.
it has been great, ive never been with anyone who ive considered my better half and done some much with. we dont argue and he is just normal compared to all my psycho ex's and bad experiences.
However, he hardly ever wants sex and it gets me so down, ive brought it up 3 times now and he just says "i do want to have sex with you, your fit!" or "im tired" or "i thought you was tired/going to sleep" or he doesnt want to do it at his place (which i can sort of understand).
We dont seem to share those intimate moments couples share at the start of the relationships, like just kissing or being touchy feely, play fighting, giggling and all that type of stuff.
he will just play on his phone in the morning and ill start trying to cuddle him and just get nothing back, might aswell be hugging my pillow.
so ill say something and eventually he will turn over and give me a cuddle but then it feels like ive made him do it. same with sex.
it seems to have got worse from when we 1st got together and it wasnt the best then either - its like weve been together 20 years so we still do stuff together but not very intimate.
i feel like we have one side of the relationship (which ive never had before) but not the other (sex which ive always had).
i dont want to give up the relationship, i think we would have a good life together, weve talked about when we get our house and what we want etc. and im so scared of ending up alone. i try to think least i have someone and i wont be alone but then it overwhelms me again and i cant stop thinking about it, its so upsetting not to feel wanted and ive told him this.
he said its off putting by me bringing it up but i cant keep it to myself and bottle it up he also said im over thinking things.
i know nobody is perfect and i wouldnt ever expect to find someone who fulfills everything im looking for so i feel its abit of a gamble to let it go and then potentially not find someone as good.
he says nice things every now (like the otherday he said ive got him for the rest of my life) and then but hardly ever, i have no idea how he feels...the love word has not been said either so i feel like im stumbling around in the dark...
does anyone have any thoughts or opinions on this?
i just dont no what to think or do anymore
please help...
Written by
Lush__x
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12 Replies
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Hi lush,
That's a hard one, I'm a man so here is what I think. He does not sound right to me, some men don't think sex is all that, he might have gone out with you because he thinks that it will please you and because he is a friend he wants to please you. He might be gay, he might not know what he wants.
He might be seeing someone, he migh just want a roof over his head... There is so many ifs, looking at it from an outsider, I would finish it, just be friends, it's hard as you want more, but do you really? Some people go for the first thing to hand as these days no body wants to wait. I know everyone says it but there is someone out there, don't look for it, it will happen. For now, you are not happy, and that's not fair on you, you are the most important, he shouldbe thanking you and have the upmost respect for you as you have gone out with him. Guys don't respect girls anymore and girls don't respect themselves.
You say you don't have friends, same as me, I don't have anyone to talk to, it's very hard, I'm here for you, of load on me, I will always try and help.
But I think you know the answer deep down, it never really started so you have not listed anything, but you have learned.
Go single, have safe fun enjoy life there is not second chance, I know to well.
thanks for your reply its good to have a mans view.
hes pretty much said hes wanted me all along and hes got what hes wanted now despite all the other people hes been with and that he can do things with me hes always wanted to do with other gfs.
as for seeing someone else it would be very difficult cos we spend all of our time together and we have done from the start.
so i think if he didnt want to be with me why would he spend so much time with me?
i agree guys dont respect girls anymore and thats what ive had all of my life, and i cant see why anyone would want to be with me, i cant see i offer anything to anyone.
i had high hopes for this even though i tried not to - ive never been in a good relationship and finally ive got someone who wants to do everything with me, invites me to things with his friends, travelled round scotland and europe on a motorbike. learnt so many new things and someone who is intellectual and on the same level, encourages me to be better and succeeded.
im already heartbroken thinking of the end, maybe this is karma for rejecting him so many times in the past.
My honest opinion is that his behaviour will chip, chip away at you and leave you feeling pretty worthless. However nice a person he is, you should not have to ask him for affection. Some people are not naturally tactile, but I think there has to be an expectancy of a certain amount of intimacy from both sides. Otherwise the relationship just exists as just a friendship. You mentioned you've known him for ten years, presumably you've known him while he was in other relationships? What was he like wig those people?
yeah it does, i feel awful about it i feel awful bringing it up, its embarrassing.
ive asked him if he just wants to be friends as that what it feels like alot of the time.
he will hold my hand in public and kiss me (a peck) now and then.
he just says am over thinking things and i am an overthinker so i wanted other peoples opinions.
he was really shocked when i first brought it up cos he just doesnt think there is anything wrong!
yeah ive known him whilst in other relationships and most of these were bad relationships and they were really controlling of him but hes so laid back he just put up with it. what ever has happened he just gets on with it.
i dont no what hes been like intimately with them tho =/
x
Hi Lush, 4 months isn’t actually that long in terms of some relationships, and intimacy and trust for some people takes a long time to develop so that they can trust you enough to say what really is a turn on for them.
This maybe doesn’t help you as the problem is not with you so much as with him, but you are also saying you are very keen on him?
Sex is a minefield the surface you are only just touching, so far you don’t know why he is not easily turned on and it could simply be because he has been hurt in the past relationships and is very afraid of being hurt again if he feels under too much pressure to please you?
If there is no chemistry there at all when you do get intimate then you maybe have a serious problem if he refuses to discuss the matter, but if it’s just a question of getting him turned on in the first place, that is something different and could be well worth giving him a little more space, but slowly asking the right questions on what he likes, maybe say you read something about trying this, that or the other and see what his reaction is?
I think as women we sometimes don’t realise how much pressure we can put on men to fit into the typical ‘manhood’ expectations and if you meet a guy who you like a lot, it’s sometimes worth investing time and energy to get to know them on a much deeper level. It’s so good that you already know you do not have this problem and it’s just your needs that are not being met yet, he is already a good friend by the sound of things, so maybe well worth doing a little more research where you can make suggestions to him?
On the outside he sounds very laid back and relaxed, but that doesn’t mean he is not really worried on the inside? If you really want a dominant man and he doesn’t fit the bill, you will eventually have to move on, but if as you say, you like him but need to feel wanted sexually, which of course you do. Then you do have something to work with. Try to make light of it, if you sit reading in bed or whatever, read to him little snippet of things like, ‘ do you know women like sex first thing in the morning? See what his reaction is and keep chipping away at it. There is so much written on the subject, but it sometimes needs to be approached very carefully or he will feel again that there is too much pressure on him which can just fill him with fear.
Passion is a wonderful thing, but it isn’t always instantaneous , it’s like a lot of other journeys in life that you can learn to be in better control of and learn the skills of how to do this.
Good luck and hope something is worth saving out of this relationship xxxx
Hi I wonder if he could be depressed and is in denial? Is that possible do you think? It might be worth thinking about it and keeping an eye on him. Or maybe he is working very hard and is very tired? Have you tried taking the pressure off him by just having a cuddle without him thinking you want sex to follow? Maybe you need to try dating again to spice things up. If this doesn't work then you have to have a serious talk with him and tell him what you need out of this relationship. Good luck. x
Some men can be like this. You need to learn that it's not that he doesn't want you. If he didn't want you then he would simply find someone else, Hun. I think he does want you.
I have had boyfriends like this before - where I have wanted sex every day and he has been like - once every few weeks is enough. I thought all men wanted sex all the time!!!
But it's the media who tell us this. Don't get me wrong, some men do want it a lot. I was once with a guy who had a very high sex drive. I dunno, I felt kind of used. He wasn't cuddly or affectionate at all afterwards (or ever).
Sex is different for men and women. Women release lots of a hormone called oxytocin. Which is why we feel so relaxed and in love after sex. Men tend to want to fall asleep. It's just the effect sex has on either of us.
Maybe you need to have a talk with him? Say you understand that you have a higher sex drive than he does. You can compromise by not nagging at him so much for sex and he could cuddle you mroe often. Relationships work through compromise. If you keep nagging at him for sex he will get mad and maybe want to spend less time with you so he doesn't feel as pressured (that;s my experience anyways). Remember, you can't expect him to rise to your standards, you have to compromise and meet each other half way on things you disagre on. That's something I have learned how to do in my current relationship. And it's actually quite difficult until you get used to it.
In terms of being cuddly. Women like to be shown affection, we like to think the man will look after us and protect us. When we are in the man's arms we feel safe. That is a natural feeling. Men don't feel like this. Don't get me wrong again (I know I have a tendency to generalise), some men do like to cuddle. My boyfriend lets me cuddle him and he cuddles me back. But I know he isn't bothered about cuddling up. He likes a cuddle, of course. I think he is quite an affectionate man, but he would just as easily not cuddle up as much as we do. He knows I need to and that I find it comforting and that's why he lets me. But cuddling isn't something he "needs". At least, not the way I need it.
It's an enigma how the human mind works and everyone is different.
I don't think your bf is weird though. Men who love sex will say he is weird, but everyone is different. He just doesn't have a high sex drive.
Have you tried asking him what he likes about you ? Ie your fit isn't really saying he wants to sleep with you, maybe he's scared of having sex with you why don't you be the one to start this off making the first move wearing something kinky, I could go on and on but you don't want that hope you find your feet both of you and don't let this sex thing get you down the more you think of it you will want more of it and you will drive your self to the point of oh o give up or I have had enough of this a relationship isn't about just sex it's about been a couple getting on doing things together and talking, oh he maybe feeling a little low sweetheart some people don't tell anyone that they are suffering hope you and your boyfriend all the best
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he also said im over thinking things.
i dont know anymore
Im just rambling here
