How do I get over losing my child through miscarriage?

[Cinamon180]

Its been 6 months and if everything went well I would have had Brooklyn this week. My body is still somewhat out of wack since this happened and my fiancé feels we have talked about it enough. my doctor is unsympathetic to my cause, saying quote, " you should be over it in a month or two, no need to look into mental disorders over this" I have always had issues with situational depression pretty much extreme ups and downs all the time and my doctor does not want to talk about it. how am i supposed to get over this without the help from my medical care professional?

[Carolinee71]

The truthful answer is that you will never fully get over the death of baby Brooklyn. I do mean this to seem hard or uncaring in anyway, I have been in your position several times, I had a miscarriage followed by eptopic pregnancy which was twins. I found talking about them helped me come to terms with the loss, I needed to let people know that they were real babies, babies that I had planned a life with, but who were taken away from me. I found like you that people wanted me just to get over it and believed that talking about them would stop me moving on, when in fact the opposite it is true.

I am so sorry that your doctor has treated you in that manor,, is there another doctor at your surgery you could see, failing that book an appointment to see the nurse. The nurses have more time to listen and can normally point you in the right direction for support groups where you will be able to talk about your baby and the hopes and dreams that were all wrapped up with him.

The nurse can also get your doctor you refer you to your local mental health team. The problem with the mental health team they are very overworked and unless you are at breaking point will not be able to offer much in the way of counseling which is why I found the support groups better

As I have said I am so sorry for your loss and you need to find a listening ear so you can talk for as long as you need. You will never forget, but over time you will learn to accept and one day you will be able to talk of him without the tears. I lost my babies nearly 20 years ago. I was very lucky to have had a daughter before hand and I went on to have another daughter

I hope your future can be blessed with whatever you wish and know your baby just got his angel wings far to early but is now at peace looking down upon you

Best wishes and gentle hugs

Caroline

[Gambit62]

I'm really sorry to hear about the miscarriage and the attitude of those around you. It is very easy for people around you to feel that it was just a pregnancy and you should move on but actually what you are going through is grief because it was a baby despite the fact that you never got to hold him/her.

There are support groups out there for people who have had miscarriages so it definitely isn't something that you can just shrug off

Just done a web search and this came up

miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

One thing that I believe can really help is actually recognising the loss as a loss and, although there obviously isn't a body to bury, having some formal ceremony to mark your loss. May be you could plant a tree or have a tree planted in Brooklyn's name or something that gives you somewhere to go and be with them. That may well be something that you won't be able to do with your husband - and that's okay because we all have different ways of coping with grief and get over it at different rates but you need to think about what might work for you.

[jules2105]

I am really sorry to hear about your loss, I can't imagine how you are feeling but I do know that your doctor is being totally unsympathetic. Is there another doctor you could go to see at your surgery, alternatively I would suggest you ask to see the mental health nurse at your surgery.

Keep posting and we'll try to help you the best we can

Jules x

[Photogeek]

Hi Cinamon I'm really sorry about your loss. Of course you are upset, it's a kind of grief

Really for your hopes and dreams. Your doctors attitude is far too matter of fact. Try and talk to Another doctor or the support groups that Gambit listed.

Don't be too surprised at your partner feeling you should move on, as men usually

Deal with these things in a totally different way . Give yourself time and try in

The meantime to talk to others who have had this experience. Treat yourself

Very well and just hang on for the moment. Try and do something nice for yourself

Every day and try to avoid getting bogged down in the past .

All we have is the present and time will pass and you will feel less raw. You won't

Forget your angel but you will be able to accept it without so much pain . Keep

Posting especially if you feel you need to talk and get some TLC here. People

Will help you so your not alone.

Hannah

[Loobie1605]

Hi Cinamon,

Six months is such a short time, "getting over it " is such insensitive thing to say, eventually it will become easier , but it is such a sad thing to happen and in my experience other people don't know what to say. I think that doctors and people in general don't realise that your baby was a real person to you and you would have had more support if you had lost a child after birth. Of course your body will still be out of wack, I am trying to say this without sounding insensitive , but after giving birth it takes your body some months to revert back to per pregnancy hormones, so it is just reacting as it would had you had your baby. Of course you must be feeling emotional if this is the time of your due date. I don't know how it works in your area, but here we are able to self refer to the mental health team. They will do an over the phone interview and refer you to the people who can help. I hope you can seek help through a therapist because it does help. My hospital had a policy of referring everyone who had lost a baby and it really helped just having someone just to listen and not telling me to pull my socks up. Your fiancé has also lost your baby and I would imagine he has had to deal with the loss his way, which will be different to yours, men aren't supposed cry, which is so sad for them, maybe talking is really painful for him. But, everyone on these forums are so supportive, their advice and suggestions do help, and we are always here to talk.

[Cinamon180]

Thankyou everyone, i would like to say that it feels really good to have some support out there in the universe. ermmm, my situation is that i cant get another doctor unless i go like 2 hours away.I live in a small rural area and in my area the mental health must be referred by my doctor. and as it stands she wont even consider it so yeah. its a fun times..

[Loobie1605]

Hi,

Seems so unfair that different health authorities have different criteria. Have you thought about contacting MIND, may be a waiting list, not sure if you have to pay, but they are good. Cruise also offers help and advice. Just google them. What has surprised me, is how common a miscarriage is. Do you know anyone in your area you could start a support group. Maybe a notice in a library, although if you are quite rural that could be a problem. Still this community is a good support group in itself.

[sussexlass]

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby at 10 weeks. He, or she, would have been born around the same time as Prince Harry so there is a constant reminder to me. I went on to have kids and I am sure you will do the same. I didn't realise Doctors were still so unfeeling. Mine asked for my Co-Op card which I handed over thinking he was going to write something in it, only for him to tear it up and throw it away saying I didn't need it now. To me that record was all I had of my first child, how I wish I had had the nerve to fish all the bits out of his waste paper basket!

I still think of my lost baby occasionally and I am glad I do. It was a part of me, part of my life and I don't want to forget about him/her. Your Brooklyn deserves to be remembered and be a part of your future family. Knowing the sex, and giving the baby a name is a great help.

Time will heal but in the meantime you need to talk to someone who knows what you are going through so do try The Miscarriage Association. Miscarriage is sadly very common, which is probably why the medical profession treats it as just one of those things. I bet there are many in your neighbourhood who have had one, and could offer a shoulder to cry on, in my case there was an elderly neighbour over the road. Perhaps your doctor would allow you to put up a notice in her surgery about a self help group. A trouble shared and all that. I wish you all the best for the future. Xx

[Cephalonia]

Hi there, i'm so sorry for your loss. I truly understand the type of emotions you must be going through right now, as i also had a miscarriage when i was 3 months pregnant, it is a bereavement but it is a very different, difficult & strange type of grief that only another woman who has been through the same thing can truly understand. Your fiance probably doesn't mean to seem harsh, but he most likely doesn't know how to deal with this situation or what to say to you to help (my husband didn't know what to say & found it very frustrating, which often came across to me in the wrong way), because although it was your fiance's baby too (& it will have taken it's toll on him), he will feel the grief/emotions quite differently to you because obviously they haven't carried the baby & so don't have that extra connection that we do, plus your body & hormones will be all over the place right now because it isn't quite sure what it's meant to be doing. Your doctor is a completely insensitive idiot & if you cannot change doctor easily, then you need to try & find someone else who can help you, i saw a counsellor regularly for a couple of months after & i spoke to other mums online who had gone through it too & it helped me so much to be able to talk to people who were willing to listen & who understood the feelings i was having. Please do try the Miscarriage Association online or give them a call. Do you have an Umbrella Centre local to you? I am currently having counselling through the Umbrella Centre ( although this is now due to long term health problems, financial issues & a cpl of others), i was able to self-refer, i do not have to pay, just give a donation as & when i'm able to. After a year i fell pregnant again & went fully through the pregnancy (2 wks overdue in fact), to have a healthy baby boy, he is now 4 yrs old & started school in September. So please don't feel that this is it (because i know i did), give yourself some time to recover & grieve & then when you feel able to you could try again. Please do keep in touch with us on here, anytime you need to talk just put a post on, there's always somebody online & don't forget talking to you probably helps them too, because it takes their mind off their own problems. Please also feel free to send me a private msg if you need somebody to talk to one to one, i wouldn't mind at all because i understand how tough it is, please don't forget that you're not alone. Take care of yourself, Georgina xx