Strange how writing down how you feel helps, its quite nice if someone replies but not necessary.

[raymond47]

I have had a really tough day today, felt really tearful and wanting to hurt myself, but I didn't. Have had a very stressful week at work and know next week won't be much better. Everyone looking to me (as the manager) to cope and carry on and sort out all the problems and I am finding the stress intolerable.

Have tried to be more open about how I feel with my husband, bless him he does try but I think I scare him and so end up not really saying much. I feel like I have to carry on because everyone is relying on me, but really don't feel strong enough and then I start worrying I will let everyone down, especially my friend whose business it is and is in hospital.

It seems such a struggle and some of me just wishes I could turn my back on everyone and stay home, not bother and never return to work, which I know I can't do as need the money if nothing else.

Feel like I need to hang on for everyone, and myself, but finding my emotions all over the place. Wish it was me in hospital as that feels easier than coping at work on my own. When I went to hospital with my husband this week they gave him some sleeping tablets and I had already worked out a plan to use them before we had walked out of the room.

Find weekends quite difficult as don't have the support from my friend or my CPN and though both of them would tell me to talk to the crisis team about how I feel I won't because I feel like they are judging me, like I am an attention seeker, and perhaps I am, I really don't know. I try not to look forward too much or at the bigger picture because I find it scary and I am not sure I can face the thought of still being here. I look back over the last couple of years and this illness does not seem to have got much better, I don't feel like me anymore and think I have lost that person forever and that makes me feel sad.

[Hidden]

Hello Raymond,

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time, sounds like you got a lot on your shoulders.

It is good to write things down, I do it all the time. Not sure why it helps am sure there is loads of reasons why it's good to do so.

I to have been struggling with this illness for a number of years, and seem to have lost the person I once was. I also feel judged by people so don't say to much in the end.

I find the future really scary to and if I think to much ( which I do ) it makes me sad and even more alone.

I hope you are feeling a bit better now after writing on here, just remember we are not alone with this illness and that's what it is an illness. We can and are strong just to get ourselves typing on here.

Shall be thinking of you. gardener x

[Gambit62]

It really doesn't sound as if you are an attention seeker.

Coping with other people needing you to manage/lead them when all you want to do is curl up and go to sleep is really, really difficult. My reports at work all know that I suffer from depression and are supportive - but then I work in a very supportive environment so guess I'm really lucky in that sense. One of my reports has also recently experienced some issues with depression and anxiety and actually supporting that is sometimes easier than coping with ensuring that all the balls of tasks get juggled ... on the other hand I have another report that should be able to do more on her own but her problem solving skills are really poor when it comes to a new problem - doesn't seem to be able to figure out how to transfer techniques - and that is so frustrating and a lot too much at times.

Feel for you.

[Jeffju]

I was told by my counsellor to write down things and have kept a daily diary since then. It's amazing even on ' bad ' days what you achieve. He also got me to write down all I thought I had achieved over the last 40 years !!!! and it took me ages and I am sure I left bits out. But, when I came to look back it showed me, ,( and him), what I had achieved and gave me confidence to try and achieve more. You are right not to look too far ahead... far too scary. But, you are doing a great job which would put anyone under stress and I am positive your friend appreciates it so much. You are being very strong in stressful circumstances, so try and keep up the great work, look at what you are achieving each day and stay strong. All the very best. Julie xx

[Suzie40]

A leader took a pack of young adventurers through a walk in the forest.

"Do you know the way out, Sir?" a young boy asked him.

"I'm afraid I don't," answered the leader.

"Well why are you making us go?" the boy questioned.

"All good leaders take risks," he replied.

A little further on, they came to a stream.

"Have you crossed this stream before, Sir?" the little boy asked.

"No, never," he said.

"But why would you expect us to do something you haven't tried yourself?" the boy quizzed.

"We can turn around, if you'd prefer?" the leader offered.

The young adventurers, with the support of their leader, found a way to cross the stream. They all felt proud of their achievement and continued on their walk though the forest. As the day wore on, the little boy became tired.

"I've learned a lot today, Sir," the boy cried "but I'm so tired"

"Then I shall carry you on my back until we reach home." the leader smiled.

[Photogeek]

Hi Raymond, you do have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. That's hard

When your well and very hard if you are suffering from Depression. Sounds like

You are very stressed as too much pressure on you. I am sure no one thinks

That you are an attention seeker. Is there anyway to lessen your stress to make

Your non work times relaxing.

You sound burned out and I think you need to seriously think about your

Health and talk to your husband too about how you feel. Look after yourself.

Hugs to you

Hannah

[raymond47]

Hi

Had a really nice weekend, when my husband took charge and took me out for the day, which is what I needed to relax a bit. It was not as bad today as I expected, but did leave work an hour earlier because I felt I needed to.