Can't decide on a title ...

[Suzie40]

.. but this one's about Mum, as per. Things are changing between us. Whether that's a good thing or not is debatable. All my anger seems to be subsiding. That's hopefully a result of the counselling. It's been replaced by an overwhelming love for her and a desire to protect her. I know this is a good thing but now I'm terrified of how I will cope when the time comes. When I was consumed with anger I always presumed I'd feel relieved to see her go. Her health is deteriorating and I know it's not going to be too much longer. We visited today and she was in good spirits. We chatted lots and I noticed her tone was less bitter than usual. She changed her clothes this week and she looked refreshed. It made me feel less anxious which probably made me better company. She made a delicious tea and I could see she was pleased to watch my children munching it. We ended up looking at old photos and I was drawn to the fact that almost everyone of her was taken with a glass of whiskey in her hand. It made me realise for just how long this problem has spanned. I slipped a few in my bag because I want to talk to my counsellor about them. Having had a lovely afternoon, we left, and I cried all the way home. I busied myself with the kids for a couple of hours and then she called. She wanted to check where to put an apostrophe in a sentence she was writing. My once beautiful, intelligent Mum, who is more qualified that most people, who taught me nearly everything I know, calling me to ask how to use an apostrophe.

[Jeffju]

So you had a good and bad afternoon. Sounds as though things are going well with your Mum and I hope that lasts for you both.Make the most of the time you have with her, I know this sounds trite but it is true. Embrace her as she is for I doubt she will change now. I lost my Mum last year and do miss her but time really does heal I have a good 'chat' to her every time I dust her picture, ( fairly often!), and am sure she is sitting on my shoulder at times.And , after a while, you do remember good times without the sorrow. All the best to you. xx

[Suzie40 in reply to Jeffju]

Thank you, you talk a lot of sense x

[Hidden]

Hi Suzie

I'm so glad to hear there has been so much change in your mum - sitting in clean clothes and sharing photos with you, so different from the way she was a couple of months ago. I envy you the relationship you have with her now, I never really got to know my mum or share anything with her like that. It's lovely that as your anger subsides so does hers too, I guess she feels less guilty for not having been the mum she would have wanted to have been in the past. It's lovely that you are able to feel love for her now, that you've both had a chance to come to some reconciliation before she dies. You will feel grief when she dies and it will be hard because of all the time when she was drinking but at least you have these times to remember her by and to know she enjoyed providing tea for your children and seeing them happy. It sounds as though your counselling is helping not only you but your mum too. How's your dad? I bet he's finding things a little easier now as well.

I love the bit about the apostrophe - my Dad similarly turned to me as he was becoming forgetful, said he sounded better as soon as he heard my voice. It is sad how we lose our abilities as we become old but we are still the same people. Your mum is still your mum and always will be, even when she is dead.

Have a lovely time with her and your dad while you can. I'm glad you still have children at home, how old are they? Value them too, I miss mine terribly as they both live too far away to see more than once every few years and that's painful but it's lovely to know they have made happy lives for themselves.

Take care Suzie, speak soon,

Suexx

[Suzie40 in reply to Hidden]

Hiya, thanks so much for the lovely reply. My Dad is not doing so well. I actually think he's a bit jealous of my Mum believe it or not. He is quite unkind to her sometimes. I know it's his way of showing his frustration at seeing her so unwell, but he used to seek solace in the fact that my sisters and I were often cross with her too. These days we are more protective of her and I don't think he likes it. Or he feels unsupported maybe. I'm not sure.

My children are 13 and 8, so home for a few more years yet. I already worry about them moving out!

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Hi again

Oh I do envy you having your children around at that age - I was studying, catching up on what I'd missed before and then I divorced when they youngest was 13 and left them with their dad because it was the only financially possible solution, although I saw them once a week I felt left out and never knew their friends, which is sad. Now I have a brilliant relationship with my daughter despite her living in Mexico City but I feel I never quite know my son even though we're close when I see him - he lives in China! It's a small world and they go where the opportunities are.

I can understand about your Dad, that's why I mentioned him really, because I imagined it had shifted things for him too - I guess he will be angry with your mum and envy her too.

I'm tired so wil finish now, but speak again,

Suex

[gardengnome]

your post made me smile and cry at the same time. It was lovely that your children had a good visit with their grandmother. Strive to give them a balanced memory, to learn from families' mistakes, and to have something good to carry them through there own tough times. I see gradual changes in my own parents now, esp in my fathers memories for facts and figures, he's always had an exact memory and I know it bothers him, though he does not talk about it, No wonder so many stories have been written about 'the elixir of life'.. This spring I was looking around their house and think what everyday objects I would want to keep as a positive sentimental reminder. I remember I felt the same in my grans last years, getting the crying done in advance,

[Suzie40 in reply to gardengnome]

Thanks for your reply. I think a lot about the kind of memories they'll have of their Gran. One of my regrets is that I didn't know my own grandparents well x

[gardengnome in reply to Suzie40]

Good to see that the counselling is leading you in good direction -I think the journey you are on in understanding yourself will help to explain to the children why your gran used drink, and how it shaped the families life, As a teen I remember being quite bewieldered when my grans depression/dementia turned nasty.

[ThemysciraDrive]

That's a really moving post...reading it, I kept thinking of the concept of terraforming, the idea of changing something in a planet's atmosphere to make it hospitable to life, then introducing things slowly until you gradually build up a whole flourishing and beautiful ecosystem from what was a wasteland. It felt like that's what was happening, like the removal of anger from the atmosphere will allow your relationship with your mum to be nurtured and nourished so it can blossom in whatever time you do have left with her. I really hope that's how it works out for you, and that you're able to enjoy that process as much as possible without worrying too much about how you'll react when the time does come.

[Suzie40 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Thats a very interesting way of thinking, thank you x

[Gambit62]

I don't think you ever know how you are going to react to the death of someone close - it's what happens when it happens and you need to work through it then - not now. Know that is a lot easier said than done.

My father's death - over 10 years ago - completely knocked me for 6. My grandmother's death a few years ago was just a release (as she had been ill with dementia for a while and had really spent the last 6 months just longing to die but the only way she could do it was the long route of starving herself to death).

The most difficult thing when someone dies is moving away from being focused on how they were when they died and being able to remember how they were in life (preferably those moments when they were at their best :)).

Its good that you have been able to let go of some of the anger and seem to be able to accept your mother as she is right now. That should help.

Thinking of you.

[Suzie40 in reply to Gambit62]

Thank you. I am sorry to hear that things were so painful with your Grandmother x

[Hidden]

Oh Suzie I am happy you are having a more productive relationship with your mum now. Now is the time to build up some happier memories - they will be a consolation when she does go. Try and make a box for each memory and store them. When you are missing her at least you will have those memories to fall back on. You can open the 'happy boxes' whenever you need to in the future. Strange as it may seem although you now might feel more grief when she does go this is more helpful for you than unresolved anger.

As you might remember my mum died this June. We were never close and I had a lot of anger towards her for many years. But when she was in her care home we built up a new and better relationship. This made it better and worse in some ways when she finally died.. Better because we had managed to put the past behind us and reach a new understanding and closeness. Worse because in many ways she had a wasted life, always blaming others for her own faults. She had no self awareness whatsoever and little social skills. She could have achieved so much more in life if she had known herself better and achieved some of her dreams.

All the best Suzie - my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs xxx

Bev xxx