Difficulty with boundaries.

[Photogeek]

My mood really dropped last Sunday, and I sat down and said why do I feel stressed. I am friends with a young couple for years, they have two girls , twelve and nine, The parents have had a lot of problems over the years, and I have always been supportive. Their Dad is quite a controlling person with the family, I helped them financially over the last year, and last Easter paid for Camp for the two girls, as parents had no money. Last week the oldest girl phoned me as usual and started going on about summer camp, she too is quite manipulative, even though she is only twelve, and asked me to pay for it, I gave them half, and said I would send the rest today, and older girl was on phone to me " did you send the money". I feel angry with myself, that I am allowing the older girl to put pressure on me. I have noticed that she always wants more than you give her. This is not a nice trait , even though she has plenty of good points, maybe its an age thing with her. I want to send the money but let them know in a nice way that I cannot afford to help them out financially any more, as the father puts his needs before the family, and nothing is changing really, only my bank balance.

Now they expect me to help with uniform and books I'm sure. I am not mean, but I cannot

afford any more and find it hard to be firm and say no. I have always been maybe too kind, and some people can take advantage of this, I don't want to fall out with them so would welcome any thoughts on this. I realise that this is a lot of the reason that I am stressed, then I get angry at myself. I am not blaming them, but wish I could be more assertive in certain situations. Since I got Depressed, I don't put my needs first. I find it hard to be good to myself.

Hannah

[Gambit62]

Difficult.

Important thing is not to take it out on yourself. Have you tried a simple '(I'm sorry but) I can't afford that'. I don't think you really need any more than that - sometimes people just don't realise that they are causing financial hardship to someone else and need a gentle prod. If they take offence at that then they are obviously manipulative and hard though it may be you are probably better off without them. Deep down you probably know that already

I've just finished reading Ruby Wax's latest book - Sane New World - some of it I don't relate to but there is a lot on the importance of not being too hard on yourself ... and the underlying message is that if the brain has got into a rut - which is what seems to happen in depression - there are things you can do, like being deliberately kind to yourself and stilling the harsh voices, doing new things, sitting and wondering at the beauty of a flower that can help it get out of the rut.

I have another friend who is very keen on 'non-violent communication' which is all about trying to express things in ways that aren't about 'you did this to me' - the underlying formula is 'when this happened, it made me feel like this, so could you ...' I probably haven't got that entirely right but hope it gives you the idea. A lot of it is about being clear but concise, owning up to feelings but being specific about needs. Laughing because I feel as if I'm being totally incoherent at this point - apologies.

Hope you manage to sort it out. Usually it is the fear of saying something that is the worst and just making that simple statement is so much easier you end up wondering why you didn't do it early.

And the really important thing is not to listen to those internal voices of self-recrimination.

[Photogeek]

Ah Gambit, Thank you, its great to get a bit of perspective, I felt a bit incoherent when I wrote it, normally I am clear enough. I heard Ruby Wax interviewed recently and it was so refreshing, " I'm sorry but I can't afford that" is so simple. What you said about being good to ourselves is important. You really helped me.

I hope I can give you some help too when you need it.

[Photogeek]

Gambit, I mean so simple and so good.

[scoobydoo123]

Agree. These people will keep taking everything from you until you have nothing left. Be strong and say no. You can do it x

[Photogeek]

Thank you Scoobydoo, I feel stronger better about it all, and know its what I have to do. x

[Hidden]

I dont interact with people in Real life unless I have to ! but a neighbour moved in the flats next door to me and she had a child about 6 years old (my grand daughters age) she knocked on my door one day and said her electricity had gone and could I help her until the monday I did, next thing it was can you can you can you! now as much as I wanted to help her I found she was taking advantage and did not know how to say so without causing offence so I wrote down how I felt ! I suppose it was easier for me to write my feelings rather than say them!! any way my ex (who does my cleaning and washing for me and is my best pal should say only real pal) read it when cleaning and spoke to me about it and she advised to either E mail her or write a note that she would drop in her box ! Did it and was very surprised at the response ! she came roound that evening sat down and apologised and told me she did not realise I felt that way and hoped that we would not fall out over it! I told her we would not apparently I am the closest to family she has as hers all live in Latvia!! so tbh I think sometimes just a little note explaining you dont want to fall out but you are straining as it is yourself so you wont be able to help as much in the future ! if you do it that way then "IF" they value you for who you are rather than what you have they will accept it and more than likely apologise! IF you still want to help them get the elder child to do some chores for you that way you get something back!!

[Photogeek]

Thank you for those thoughts, i do agree, that it is sometimes my own fault for not being assertive and clear, in fairness the older girl did help me with a few little jobs, and I told her how good she was, she was delighted too as she gets very little praise at home. Writing things down too is a good idea to clarify exactly how I feel.

[Nienie in reply to Photogeek]

sometimes , if you know it is hard to help them forever or you know maybe the rest of your life will bound with them ,at this moment you should know to turn down ,or you help them the first time they just think you are good ,if you turn down second time they think you are bad,you need to let them realise you are not responsible for their life ...

[Photogeek]

Thank you Nienie for this. x