Sexuality, married and middle aged! - Men's Health Forum

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Sexuality, married and middle aged!

5 years ago aged 50, I inwardly acknowledged that I was either a gay or bi-sexual married man. This has caused me extreme mental anguish since and I have no idea how to move forward. Should I destroy my marriage and be “true to myself and others” or try to see my life out suppressing my sexuality and accept the married life I chose 24 years ago?

Any help or advice appreciated. Thanks.

12 Replies

You could always not tell anyone and carry on your marriage but have casual fun on the side with guys.

in reply to Daz81

Hey Daz

This is a problem for me mate. I’ve tried the casual fun and whilst it’s good at the time it just leaves me feeling empty and lonely afterwards. I’ll be honest too, I’ve also had a deep relationship with a friend of mine I’d known for some time and which felt 100% right. Desperate for answers.

oh boy I can tell you sooo much about his one! (situation) Firstly it's quite common, it really is. This was one of my first revelations into the world of the "inbetween" let's say. At this point, go for the bi-sexual moniker, then accept it's not wrong, from what I've seen, I think most men are bi, many of course insist they are 100% hetro, but behind closed doors some of them are having sex with a man. There seems to be a number of reasons for this, ranging from, not getting sex/attention from the wife to, always being gay but got married to give a front of being normal, there are 1000 other reasons.

To my mind it gets shadey with respect to the wife, this ranges from "doing it behind her back" - I usually ask this type "how would she react if she found out?", if the reply is "destroyed" then it's time for careful thought. Some say "I don't care" or "she knows" - who knows the truth. But for some they have struck a deal with the wife, where they both accept the situation, set ground rules and it's all go for man-sex!

in reply to

Thanks careful. Interesting and again I thought it was just me! Really appreciate the detailed response.

in reply to

:) I could take you places and ya eyes would pop out, then you'd be thinking what have you been missing all these years! I think my neighbour is at it, Swingers I reckon, in time we can spot the players. He and his wife are really nice people. From what I know, a big part of that empty feeling is guilt, that's why it's better to broker a deal with the wife, that tends to remove the guit as you then know she is not going to get hurt, very important. Just keep in mind your kids too, if word gets around you're playing around, it will get into school via gossip, the bullies will give your kids hell.

From what you write your decision appears to have been made. If you are sure then you need to sit down and talk with your wife. She may want to throw you out or continue as a family for the sake of it. If this is the path you take you have to be Very careful who you choose as a partner.

On the other hand by talking to your Wife there may be other reasons why you feel this way which you can work through and rebuild your Marriage.

Whichever you choose, choose wisely, make the right decision it will effect the rest of your life and your family.

Be true to all especially yourself.

Thanks NOWHARD. I think my wife knows given some of the things she said recently but it really isn’t something I can talk about - yet. I guess at some point in the future it will raise its head again and maybe at that point I will confront it. My big problem is that I want it all and can’t have it. I connect emotionally and not just physically with men - big issue. It really does make you feel isolated and depressed at times.

Thanks jaglad. I keep tormenting myself about being “true” and I found my perfect partner a while ago - a long standing friend where the connection was made. It all finally made sense to me when it happened but always a problem. He lives overseas and this brings other challenges so again frustrating that the one person I felt I could take this life changing leap with is not around anymore.

I believe that you need to discuss this with a trained counselor. He/she should be able to help you. You are in my prayers. God Bless You.

in reply to Alphonso2018

Thanks Alphonso2018.

Many years ago my wife had a relationship with another man. The wonderful thing is, she told me and in all fairness, making clear she didn't want us to split up, gave me permission also to have relationships outside our marriage. It was a big shock, and made me question myself and our whole situation. I stayed calm and waited to see what developed. Our children were about 9 and 11 at the time. I must confess I wondered if the other man, who was quite attractive, would be interested in experimenting with a threesome, but my wife didn't want that so although I befriended him, I never asked him. I never met anyone, man or woman, I found equally, or more, appealing than my wife, her lover moved away after a few months and she and I remained faithful ever since. Twenty or so years on, the whole episode has faded into history and my wife and I are still together. Only our closest friends know the truth. The key thing is, however, that my wife's sense of fairness and permission, yet clarity that she didn't want to reject me, actually enriched our friendship.

That sounds like a good result. Thanks for sharing your story mate.

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