I Cheated on ...

[Beaujie]

... the only person I've ever loved in this life, and I lost her forever.

She cheated on me, too, sure. But I don't care. She was the one soul who saw the real me and said, "I love and embrace you." Hell, I wouldn't blame her, necessarily, for needing to find some support elsewhere, because she certainly couldn't get it from me all the time.

But I cheated on her when I had her love and understanding. It was a gross betrayal, and I did it, anyway. She didn't deserve that. We met in high school, and it was all over with. We got engaged eventually, and we both moved to Nashville to pursue different, but similar, career paths.

During that period I was sexually abused by a powerful mogul in the country music industry, and she graduated university and went on to work on Music Row. She went there for the right reasons, and I went there to chase stardom. Her motivations were altruistic and attainable; my motives were selfish, short-sighted, and altogether ignorant.

After I cheated, she took me back. It didn't last much longer, but we both knew we had to try again. We were the other half of one another, after all. It turns out not to have been meant to be, but I'm convinced that's my fault.

I'm the one who has an entire book coming out about my own victimization at the hands of another in the Nashville scene, but the love of my life deserves her own volume on all the ways I dismissed, used, and took our bond for granted.

Does this mean it wasn't love? Absolutely not. Love is messy. Love is elusive. Love doesn't care about the trivial things.

I love her to this day, and I don't think that'll ever change. I love her with all my heart. She isn't the one that got away, but rather the one I didn't appreciate and watched walk away. Even if I wanted to love another, I wouldn't be able to. She is inside of me, and, eighteen years later, she is always with me.

... and I deserve everything that has happened to me since.

-B-

[Rufus07]

I really don’t have anything helpful to say…I’m not too good with words. I’m a better listener than an advice giver. But I do want you to know that I am very sorry for what you have and are going through. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.

[Beaujie in reply to Rufus07]

Rufus,

You're mere reading this post is all you needed to say. Seriously. I don't know if this works the same way for you or others, but for me just the knowledge that there is some caring person out there in cyberspace reading my words and then finding the energy, heart, and compassion to write back even when they aren't sure what advice to give ... that is 1000% all I need.

Some think there always need be an answer, and then others realize there are certain moments when it's just as helpful to be able to sit with someone and say, "I hear you."

Thanks so much.

-B-

[Rufus07 in reply to Beaujie]

You are so very welcome 🙂