I was adopted at birth ,35 years later and I don’t know if i should contact my birth mother

[PerryGal]

I was adopted as a baby, I’m talking day or two days old. I had the most amazing childhood, I was an only child and I was given so much love.

I never remember not knowing I was adopted, it was normalized very early on and I didn’t feel unwanted or any negativity about adoption whatsoever. I honestly rarely thought about my birth parents up until my late 20s when doctor’s appointments I’d be asked “does your family have a medical history of …”, and I’d say I didn’t know.

I’m now 35 and through the internet and my mother (the woman who raised me is my mother btw) I know the name of my birth mother and that I have 2 half brothers. One of them even lived in the same city as me for a few years.

I know I need to make this decision, to contact my birth mother or to not. I don't have expectations or anything, I really don’t want to disrupt her life if she hasn’t shared her past (ie me) with her family and friends I’d understand that , but i also feel I have the right to know my health history , where i genetically came from and who my birth father was.

I feel this void in me at times and it’s growing so deep that it’s making me unable to move forward in my life in so many ways. I think it’s time I confront this piece of me.

Is anyone out there in a similar position? I don’t know any one else going through this

[kenster1]

Hi as hard as it can be for a person to find out they are adopted it's mostly a heartbreaking desicion that a birth mother will ever make. She might and must have had reasons to do so at that time and probably done it so you could have a better life and no doubt a day has went passed without you being in her thoughts.I doubt any adopted parent would stand in the way of a person looking to contact their birth parents/mother most are always very supportive.

[hypercat54]

I think it is essential to have any medical history which runs in your biological family. So maybe you can just write her about that or even a quick phone call if you can.

Hopefully if you get in contact first then there is a chance you could meet up one day. It all depends on what you both want and there is no right or wrong here.

I agree with Kenster on this. Good luck.

[optimismrus]

Thankfully you had wonderful adoptive parents. Now you're facing a strong desire to know and see your birth mother. I understand and I can share my experience. I gave my baby girl up when I was 16. She found me when she was 24. It was a miracle when I answered the phone and learned that she had been looking for me. In our state the rules of the adoption stated that both parties had to agree to meet before they would give the information to my daughter. Likewise, her adoptive parents had to agree. Her adopted mother didn't want to, but her dad signed. Of course, I agreed immediately. I could go on and on about the joy we shared when we finally met, but of course every case is different.

The other thing I think you should know is that your birth mother may not have wanted to give you up, but she was forced to by her parents. I naively thought my boyfriend and I would be married. Much later, I realized my mom had probably saved my life.

It's clear from your words that you are an intelligent and courageous woman. With the support of your loving parents, I know that you are doing the right thing no matter how it turns out. Please let us know, we're here for you! 🥰

[PerryGal in reply to optimismrus]

I never thought I’d be called courageous on this journey but I teared up reading your words bc yes , I suppose I am.

I am brave and I am intelligent and this terrifies me. Which is probably why I’ve put it off for so long.

❤️Thank you so much for your support. I’ll keep everyone posted

[PerryGal in reply to optimismrus]

when the daughter you gave up for adoption contacted you were you at all disappointed about how she/ her life was turning out?

I want my birth mother to be proud enough of me that she feels closure and comfort knowing for sure she did the right thing ... But what if my life isn’t what she imagined for me?

[optimismrus in reply to PerryGal]

Unfortunately, she did not have a great experience growing up. I imagined my daughter was adopted by people who would treasure her the way your parents did. And she had a baby out of wedlock, too. History repeats itself with monotonous regularity. Her self-esteem was not as solid as yours. Despite that, she was a beautiful, intelligent young woman and I was proud of her. I say "was" because she passed in a car accident a few years later. 😞 To answer your questions I was not disappointed in her at all. And, dear, I cannot imagine your birth mother would be disappointed in you. She couldn't be. 🥰

[Senior4merEverything]

I can't know how you feel about this. But I will say that a whole life can be difficult without the holes that can be there. I would talk with my mom(the one who raised and loved you fully. not that your birth mother is disqualified) and include her thinking on this subject. This far too impotant to do on your own without that being covered as well. If you know for certain that your mom is okay with you following up. Do the only thing that comes to your mind first. The bonds you have with your mom cannot be broken by you finding out some truths about your mother.

I send you hopes for positive continuance of your life.

Be purposeful about living, it can be magnificent to be alive, so, be about that!

Truth, life, peace.

[SappyCappy]

Welcome to the group. I actually followed you because I think your experience is very interesting. I hope you can connect with others in a similar position like you're seeking. Bye for now

[Vero81]

PerryGal you seem a very nice and good person. You are also courageous I agree with optimismrus, it’s good to be cautious but if you feel you need to meet her I think you should go ahead and give it a try. Fortunately you have support here. My daughter doesn’t speak to me, it’s almost been a year. I think about her everyday, she has expressed I don’t love her but a mother always love her kids. It’s hard and we mothers make mistakes but we love our children.

[Mamabear49_]

you sound like an amazing young lady.

I can speak perfectly on this subject as I am a birth mom

Long story short I gave birth to a baby girl and placed her for adoption. I was 18, first semester in college- guy left me and my parents were not supportive of me keeping my child. I had no money, no education, no way to support myself and my daughter. I was emotionally distraught as a child and I assume I was looking for someone to save me from all of that. But I digress- I choose two loving parents who so longed for a child.

Hardest decision in my life and caused me so much anguish, grief, depression for most of my young adulthood. I was so distraught that I did not my “second” daughter 14 years later. I did not think I was worthy.

I pray one day that my daughter reaches out. I would love to hear from her. You certainly deserve the right to know your medical background. If it is nagging you- I think you have nothing to lose but maybe something to gain.

With ancestory.com etc. finding people is much easier now.

I wish you all the luck and good outcomes if you decide to move forward with this. It changes nothing of your past and a relationship may not come of it but you were brave enough to try. If it’s fear, don’t let that hold you back. It’s a personal decision

Blessings-

[Sailaway5123]

Hi,

So I just joined this online forum looking for some support in many things one of them being my recent reunification after 30 years (I was also adopted at birth, have known I was as long as I can remember etc), with my bio mom.

Like you I debated for long time if it was a good idea to reach out; I told myself the desire was always just health history related, but maybe I was curious too? Now, my biggest regret is that I didn’t reach out sooner. While I was unsure if I would disrupt my bio moms life, and worried I’d cause “problems”, she in fact had spent the past 30 years hoping someday I’d chose to reach out but not wanting to disrupt my life. I also have a half brother, and while I assumed I was a “secret” or a topic no one knew about I in fact was a well known piece of her story that not only her immediate but also extended family knew about. I’ve been welcomed back as if I’d been gone on a vacation for a bunch of years, and everyone is so thrilled to have me back. It’s healed a lot for me internally. If you haven’t ready it I highly recommend primal wound. Very eye opening book.