Grief and the Holidays

[PotatoesAndPuppies]

Hi,

I'm reaching out because I need to share these thoughts and feelings with someone, and I don't want to put pressure on my friends and family.

Last week I felt a muted feeling settle in my chest. Like my heart got smaller.

I am coming up on the first anniversary of the passing of my grandpa, who passed away last year only a month and a half after my grandma. Our family is managing another health emergency for a matriarchal figure who had a massive stroke on Halloween. In an effort to make things easier on the group, I left my dog at a kennel over the holiday and I missed his presence. I haven't been able to shake that feeling and I want to sleep all the time. I've cried multiple times, which my medicine rarely allows me to do.

I'm now having to make difficult choices for Christmas. If I want to visit my family on Christmas and after, I have to board my dog and thus absorb a cost that I can't afford, and leave behind my key source of emotional support. I can try to drive across the country to make some of the holiday, but I am not a practiced winter driver and I worry about getting caught in a storm. I love spending Christmas with some of my family, but I can't be with them because I can't imagine traveling with my dog, only to board him upon arrival. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation.

My spirit is shutting down and all I want to do is sleep and hide away, but I can't. I have to keep working to afford my bills and I'm in the final stages of my dissertation with deadlines looming.

I feel like I am an accessory to my family and like I am important to no one, other than my dog. I am not in a place where I can say fuck it and do the holidays by myself, and the month ahead feels too big. Typing this now my throat is starting to close up with anxiety.

Thank you for this space. I needed to get this out of my head, organized, and in a space where I don't feel like a burden (even though my people would tell me that I'm not a burden if they heard me say that).

Sending y'all love and support.

-P&P

[Existing]

Oh my, I'm here. That's definitely a heavy and painful burden to bare, and one I feel like I've had to deal with so many times in my life in similar, but not identical situations.Christmas, holidays, family, cold winter weather, long distance travel, what to do about my babies (pets)

2 recent and important family deaths, anniversaries, multiple loss and grief that pierces holiday family gatherings with the obvious absence and sorrowful loss.

The no win situation feeling of crumbling inside yourself.

🥺♥️. I so get it.. i feel the overwhelm.

I'm will to help you brainstorm together if it helps. I know it helps me to know someone else cares and is there for support to get a plan in place. We can figure out something, I'm sure. Been there done that too many times when I was younger.

What's your dissertation on?