Newbie

[Riddles52]

Hey y'all,

I have struggled with depression my whole life but never knew how bad it was. I have PTSD and GAD. I'm finally out of my unsafe situation and beginning to heal but I had no idea how much MDD affected me. I'm just starting to learn how much of my struggling and lack of joy is due to this and not something that is my fault. Many days are confusing. I try not to freak out or overthink but I'm an emotional person and I can't really feel anything when I'm this depressed. I'm not able to make decision or go to many gatherings. I can only handle my safe people and that's it. Im missing out on Christmas decorating because I can't physically or emotionally handle it and that breaks my heart. I love the family environment but I've been so broken by my own family that I'm not able to be in any others without getting triggered and shutting down. Sometimes it can feel really lonely struggling with this and not being around anyone who has it. They don't know how to respond or be there for me and I try not to be rude but I just can't handle interacting with them. I had to submit myself to a mental health facility because my depression was so bad I was becoming suicidal. I have multiple anxiety attacks on a daily basis and it makes me wonder how on earth I made it through childhood still alive with the environment I grew up in and these disorders. It's extremely comforting finding this group and knowing I'm not the only one suffering this much.

[Sadbuthopeful]

Riddles52, Sounds like you are a lot like me. My anxiety is so exhausting. I worry about everything, and I’m so tense all the time, I honestly don’t know how other people do it, cause I get keyed up just being away from my home. I get anxious when I have to drive on the freeway or interstate, or driving in Heavy traffic. I have a crazy amount of social anxiety, that it s so hard to live this way. It’s so exhausting, & overwhelming.

I just got a good paying job, & I can’t even feel happy about it because I’m too nervous about whether or not I will fit in, will my nagging depression become out of control in this new role. Will I be able to learn how to drive a forklift,? will there be other girls in the warehouse? will I say something stupid? Will I have to deal with my bipolar rearing it’s ugly head ? , & I could go on & on, which I do ( in my head) My father is. Sick. & he’s about read to die, & I’m just so sad, it makes it hard to be happy about much. I’m trying to be happy, I really am it’s like I’m just stuck. The side affects of my meds are killing me. If I take my meds to control certain symptoms of my my anxiety, ptsd, depression bipolar, then I have to deal with a whole slough of side affects, why can’t the scientists or chemists make a medicine that doesn’t cause so much weight gain, dizziness, nausea & the fatigue it causes is unbearable. Which it worse ; symptoms or side affects. Ugg ! I know that I got it pretty good, but I just keep feeling that I’m coming unraveled.. life is hard today, I’m already worried about what tomorrow will bring……..…will this despair ever end ? I sure hope someday it will.

[Riddles52 in reply to Sadbuthopeful]

Wow thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I pray that one day things will start getting better. Based on my experience, I have learned that eventually there is always light at the end of the tunnel. It just might take some time to get there. You're doing great though and I'm proud of you for choosing to stay alive one more day.

[Riddles52]

Thank you so much! This was really comforting and encouraging to read