dealing with MDD and Grief

[Theproblem]

I’ve been unmedicated and untreated for almost a year because of financial issues. My grandmother allowed my boyfriend and I to stay with her for a couple months after I was evicted. My grandmother has always been an extremely important and significant figure in my life but she also was battling her own depression. At this time she was also dating an alcoholic who didn’t help her as much as she needed and it was slowly taking its toll on her romantic relationship and her relationship with my family. My family has a history of being judgmental and having high expectations of the people that are introduced into the family causing an extremely toxic and frustrating dynamic. This caused tensions within the house that led to her not speaking to my aunt and eventually kicking me out when I approached her about my own concerns for her. This hurt me but I didn’t argue with her or do anything about it. I simply up and left and she never spoke to me afterwards. This is the first and only time I have ever had a disagreement with her. She is a woman I highly value and respect and a woman who has done nothing but spoil me and make me feel so valued; so this really took its own toll on me but I kept it to myself. A couple months go by and I get a call from mom saying she passed away. It was extremely sudden my world and my entire heart shattered. I have so much guilt. I feel so disappointed with myself. And to make matters worse Im so disconnected from my own family and that made it extremely difficult to process and grieve her. Whenever I try to talk about my guilt I was always met with how and why I shouldn’t feel the way I do. Why I shouldn’t dwell and just move on and accept that’s she’s gone. It feels extremely invalidating and infuriating sometimes. I’ve learned from a young age the my thoughts and feelings are safer when they are not shared with my family but right now when I need them the most? Am I actually seen as a human? if I’m not allowed to freely express my experiences? I feel so low and I feel so unseen. I’m afraid to loose to this disease solely because I’m dependent on them and I can’t leave this environment. My boyfriend is trying so hard to be there for me emotionally while simultaneously working to get us out but I feel myself drifting I can feel my depression wining. I’m at a loss. I miss her so much she always knew how to make me feel so strong.