Frozen in time

[Minnesotahappiness]

At 12 I lost my only parent, my mother, to a long 10 years of battling cancer. I was brought into this world to see the most beautiful thing to me slowly fade away and degrade. For 16 years I have struggled tremendously with a undiagnosed form of major depression and anxiety. My social anxiety is so fierce I am too afraid to make phone calls, answer them or even listen to voice-mail. I don't even think I have received a hug from anyone in the last 5 years. My soul is aching for companionship yet I am terrified to attempt to connect with people. I do not leave my room. This is not who I am meant to be. I live for my mother yet I am 28 and have not accomplished anything but a failed marriage due to my mental health complications. I have no idea how to get support. I have been taking SSRI's for around 8 years I can say it helps but the doomed feeling in my chest is always there, literally puts me into submission every single day. The only time I feel at ease is when I am working and the first couple hours of waking up on my days off. I keep telling myself that this is just a phase and it will soon pass, like as if I'm expecting a random person to enter my life at some point to bring happiness back to me. But that simply isn't realistic. I know I will recover at some point in my life but the longer I wait the more I am missing out on life and it kills me.

[Vickens]

Dear M, it's a hell of a road to tow, been there. When I was 34 I found a Psychiatrist who was a specialist in Agoraphobia, which at the time I had no idea what it was. There are several Dr's and specialists on Youtube who discusss OCD, Anxiety and Agoraphobia, get info from them them first by listening and trying to figure out your next step to get help. Alot of these so called specialists will say "oh, you just come in we'll discuss it and you will be just fine". Bullshit. A good Psychiatrist will meet with you one on one, will have a program you will work on together, give you meds if required and you will have weekly homework which you will discuss the following week. A good Psychiatrist will work at your pace and set up a program suitable to your specific needs and will never push you to talk about anything until you feel comfortable with that subject of discussion. God bless. I wish you the best. One more thing, this is not just 1 problem, it's a lifetime of problems that accumulate slowly.

[pepper7172]

Hi Minnesotahappiness, I have been in a similar place. I have been struggling all my life and lost my beloved Mom to a lengthy illness at a very early age, soon followed by my precious Dad. I'm so sorry about all that you are experiencing right now. I have had a lot of professional help to get better and am doing well now. I would like to add an important differentiation that exists, at least here in the USA. This may not be the case in, for instance the UK. In the US, psychiatrists primarily address medication requirements. They typically do not spend as much time on behavioral and thought process changes, both of which can be very helpful. That is the area that psychologists, social workers, psychology specialized NP's and PA's address. Often psychology is lumped into an overall category called "Counseling". So a session with a psychologist will have a program you will work on together and weekly homework which you will discuss the following week, and will will work at your pace and set up a program suitable to your specific needs and will never push you to talk about anything until you feel comfortable with that subject of discussion. So in the US we often need both a Psychiatrist to prescribe meds, and a Psychological specialist to help with everything else. I have found heaps of benefit in both specialties and pray that you can find relief by accessing them both as well. Sending you prayers and love in your recovery. Be kind to yourself!

[Catt02]

Yeah, the social anxiety can really be a heartbreak as with the passing of time you can't get back. I have many regrets of the youth that could have been, but for those debilitating social insecurities.

[applejax7]

I resonate with losing your mother to cancer, and "seeing the most beautiful thing to me slowly fade away and degrade". My mom passed 6 weeks after diagnosis, and I can only imagine how heart-wrenching it was to see your mother decline over 10 years. I don't really have any advice, but I wanted you to know you're not alone in the pain of losing your mother. I have a very complicated relationship with my dad, and he's in my life but I keep him at an arm's length (he suffers from narcisissm) so I feel very parent-less as well.