its creeping up again..........

[caninecrazy]

hello fellow loopies!

apologies for a random blog but i need honest answers/comments on what to do. should i stand my ground or back down?

my twin and i were always close,having the classic "twin things" happen to us as we grew up; we could sense if the other was in danger or unwell even though we wernt in the same place. we would phone and text everyday even after we both left home and started our own lives. we did both work together too for asda and a temping company until 18yrs! lol.

sadly in 2004 my twin died suddenly and ive never really gotten over her loss,i dont talk to anyone about it as its been so long,its just it doesnt feel right to celebrate our birthday. its hard to explain; it feels wrong for me to accept gifts etc when my sis cannot, we were always treated the same....not explaining this very well am i, sounds stupid.

my mum always has a go at me and says im selfish because we are her daughters and she has the right to celebrate our birthday. she always has me in tears, im expecting the phone call either today or tomoz as our birthday is sunday. i did celebrate last year my 40th as it was a milestone i never thought id see,but i did say i wouldnt again until i reach 50 (with luck).

i go to my sisters grave reguarly and always on our birthday,i light a candle and we reminisse as my children miss her too.....

maybe im wrong....maybe i should let my mum do what she wants as she did raise us alone...bit it doesnt feel right??

[Loopylooby]

I'm so sorry to hear this, it definitely brought a lump in my throat.

Maybe your mum feels like if you dont celebrate your birthday then maybe she has lost both of you but this is her issue to work through.

If you can't be true to yourself and your own feelings when you are forty when can you be. Trust your instincts and your feelings and go with those....you have them for a reason. There is nothing stopping your mum celebrating the birthdays but she can find other ways of doing this without upsetting you. I hope you find some kind of balance with your mum and hope this has bought you some kind of comfort or reassurance xx

[Purpletop]

Your birthday is about both you and our mum. If your mum wants to celebrate your bday by having you around, that is something you can accommodate but if you don't like the well wishes or presents then she should be able to accommodate that too. It should be give and take, that's what I'm trying to say. Very sad for you, you must feel bereft. Hugs. X

[Chapter]

When your mom calls to ask to be a part of the celebration of the birth of you and your sister I would hope that you would be on board. She is not asking you to celebrate your sisters death, only the day she received two beautiful daughters in her life. I am so sorry that you lost your sister and I understand that you were very close, but don't deny your mom the pleasure of celebrating the daughter she has. You go and visit your sisters grave on her birthday, and you reminisce with your children, can your mom not be a part of that and then celebrate the life that is here in you. I think you should let your mom celebrate that you were born and are still here with her. I don't believe your sister would expect that you would be crying and fighting with your mom on your birthday. Enjoy every one you get, it does not mean you are not missing your sister. Join with your mom and your family and reminisce about the fun times from today and yesterday and have a piece of cake for your sister.

[Riverbird]

I felt so very sad to read your blog. I too understand that that the loss of a twin sister/brother can be magnified so much more, as our family faced a similar situation. I wonder if perhaps you know that there are "twinless twin" online groups to offer help and support in similar situations, one of which is twinlesstwin.org whose main aim is to offer support to those who have lost a twin at any age and the quandries they may come across. They are USA based but very friendly with an international online community. Just wondered if perhaps chatting to others in the same situation with similar feelings may help. I just cannot imagine how you feel, so you have my real sympathy. Your question is so hard. As others have said, you have to do what you feel is right for you and if it makes you feel sad to celebrate, are there other ways you can mark the occasion with your Mum who will be missing her the same, but probably also worrying about your own illness as well ? We all deal with things in different ways and perhaps respecting each others feelings is all you can do. On a slightly different note did you know that Elvis Presley was also a twinless twin ? I am sure that you will come to what is the right decision for you. Take care.

[Gillyg]

I am also a twin less twin, I never knew my sister she died very young of cystic fibrosis, but my mom helped me remember the short time she was with us. I understand feeling loss both my parents died when I feel I was relatively young but try and understand what you mom is saying you were both her daughters and even if it is for her then try and help her through this day, which I think she will deep down feel she shouldn't have outlived her daughter. It would be good for you both to understand how you both feel. Don't want to be depressing but you only have one mom, I miss mine her all the time but try and think that everything I or my children achieve it is done in her memory. You should try and think of your sister in the same way. She never left you while you have her in your heart. Will think of you on Sunday. Xx

[janiceray]

I agree with all the above,You lost a Sister your Mum lost a Daughter and you are all she has,Celebrate your Sister life along with yours and don,t feel guilty about it!!!

Love & Sunshine

Jan XX

[custardpot]

You have to realise even though you cannot see your sister she will be with you so she will be celebrating with you.

[twist1]

Hi, it felt so sad to read your life story, but it is obvious you are still suffering from grief and that is such a strong and powerful emotion.

I agree you need to handle things in your own way but there are a few facts you should consider, your mum obviously worries and cares for you, you should be celebrating your sisters life and remember the good times and how you can use her thoughts deeds and actions and bring them back into your life, I assume she did not die on her birthday? In which case learn to split the two, birthdays are for celebrating, anniversaries are for rememberance

I am sure even now she would wish to know you are happy.

You don't really mention much about how your mum chooses to celebrate? Is it cake candles big family gathering as I could understand that could be overwhelming.

Maybe you should make the first move this year and tell her how you will be celebrating and ask her to accompany you, or do something different that you never did with your sister so it does not bring back painful memories, something relaxing like a spa day, weekend away cantering on the kids instead of you. It will make you feel more in control and less controlled

Hope some of this helps xx

[caninecrazy]

thankyou everyone for your kind words of wisdom.

we all do reminiss of funny stories and my sisters sense of humour etc, i have made a photo album of photos as one of her nieces was just one and another not yet born wouldnt remember or known her. we look through them and my niece says "its you!" but we explain its aunty in heaven.

we have a memory box of xmas cards and birthday cards,soft toys and random keepsakes we kept too,thats kept under my bed. my mum had 5 children so we were a big brood to raise alone,i do spend time with mum on our birthday and we do laugh and cry together its just the gift thing i cant accept, mum knows that i love her for eternity and back with sprinkles on too (i always tell my siblings and family that lol) . maybe as time passes i may mellow,who knows

my sis will always live on in all of us. spookly my niece who is 5 is the spit of her and has her mannerisums too!!!

thankyou everyone, take care xx

i will log on to the twin website,thankyou riverbird. x