new relationship...when do you tell them you have lupus?

My marriage of 23yrs has come to an end because he doesnt believe i am ill and thinks im lazy and that he's carrying me. he gets physically and mentally abusive toward me.

I decided that i have had enough. Divorce pending!

i have met a lovely man now and he seems kind and caring. i have told him i am registered disabled with epilepsy and he never ran....but i am yet to tell him about my fibro and lupus.

His mother is/was a nurse...so i am hoping he will understand...even if it is with his mother explaining it......i dont want to lose another partner...i hate being alone.

18 Replies

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  • I don't have a partner Sharon - I don't want anyone to have to look after me, and I certainly don't want to look after anyone else (been there and done that - and he wasn't even ill!).

    But why on earth don't you just tell him all of it now - surely the truth is best if you want to keep him? If he flies, he wasn't worth it, and you will have to find another one....

    Good luck! My fingers are crossed.

  • thank you, i admire your strength in staying by yourself. i will tell him but its stomach churning stuff...probably more so for me than him. x

  • Hi, just keep your head up and be as positive as you can. You have made a huge change in your life, and it will bring challenges.

    I had been married for 20 years and I am now re married to my wonderful husband,

    I was not diagnosed when we first met, I had a lot of tests before and after I was married, which finally led to being diagnosed with lupus and other related symptoms.

    I have always been open and honest about everything, and I am very very lucky to have the full support and love of my husband.

    You can't possibly hide what you have, and it is part of what makes you you, and it is you that this caring man wants.

    So if it were me, I would be open, explaining how it can effect you, but be positive, and enjoy life as much as you can, a smile, a hug, an ear to listen can be a very powerful medicine.

    You are still you, no matter what you have, x

  • :) love it that your happy now frog....i will be honest with him but i thought i would use the EPILEPSY as a tester. he can see i am normal...lol...well define normal lol...but i am just scared of losing him. When the person you grew up with and married doesnt believe you along with your own son....telling a new person in your life is hard and frightening.

  • This site in invaluable 4 us, it's hard enough 4 us 2 come 2 terms with how we r affected as it is, without having people doubting us & thinking we're exaggerating or dramatising things. Gp's & Rheumys r guilty of this too :0/

  • Glad 2 hear u have found some1 special. I would tell him personally, it's better 2 prepare people I think. I told my other half all about my lupus (it helped that we were friends b4 we got 2gether) & although he'd never seen the lupus affect me as I'd always been relatively untouched by it, when a severe flare hit me, it shocked the Hell out of him but cos I'd told him about lupus, he had known there was a possibility of it rearing it's head 1 day & dealt with it really well. Fair enough, when the flare started I threw loads of literature at him 2 get him genned up on what I was going thru & although obviously he can never totally understand what I'm going thru, he kinda gets the idea of what it does 2 me. It's hard enough trying 2 explain it 2 some1 when u're well but I'd hate 2 have 2 try & explain it when I'm suffering as sometimes I can't even get it right in my OWN head ;0)

  • Exactly Sher78.......and thank you. you have worded that perfectly....i will tell him that i do have lupus and fibro BUT feel ok at the moment but do get flare ups now and again so beware lol. fingers crossed xx

  • It is important to be honest in a relationship, otherwise you end up trying to change yourself to fit into the other persons perception of who they think you are. This in turn puts pressure on the relationship and on you, because you will have to try and keep up a pretence that you are ok at the times when you are not. Its hard enough dealing with this illness, you dont need that added stress. He sounds like a sound person, trust him to be ok with it and trust yourself to be ok if he is not. good luck.

  • Returning to the original question of "when" is it appropriate to tell, I think not until it looks very much like becoming a long-term relationship. There's little point before then. Hope all goes well for you Sharon! x

  • Sorry hun, but I disagree with this. I feel honesty from the start is best. Otherwise your allowing someone to fall in love with a lie and not the real thing. Trust me I know as I have just found out a heartbreaking secret that my partner has kept from me our whole relationship. Given it has only been 18 months but that has been long enough for me to fall in love and be settle with a man who is not what I first thought. We are working through it but only because I love him and we now have a life together. If he had told me from the start I could have made a decision if I wanted to proceed with the relationshop knowing what I know now. He took that choice away from me and hurt me in the process. If this man chooses to walk away from her now then like someone else said, he wasnt worth it, but if he choses to stay he is staying because he wants to. He is being given a choice and not being lied to if she is honest from theboff xxxx

  • Hi all firstly nice one on the new man looking for one myself. Firstly I would say that tell them when your comfortable to do so if he makes you comfortable then he's the one for you. Secondly there's a new dating website being launched soon its called lupus liaisons for everyone but aimed at people with lupus and arthritic conditions so no need to say anything as its implied cant wait 2013 might just be looking up!!

  • fab on dating website...i was wondering if anyone had started one up?? many thanks for your reply and good luck in looking x

  • When the opportunity presents it self. I'm in a ten month relationship , I said little by little you don't want to scare him way either. If he asked and you lie that's being dishones.

    I you let it out little by little he may have time to talk to his mother.

    Just a males point of view

    David j

  • thanks David....yes another good idea. x

  • They should have a dating website for people with lupus

  • *UPDATE*

    No it didn't work out as he isn't the one woman type after all but I have a nice text/FB friend of whom I get on well with and we are friends with hope of it being more eventually. We have a lot of common whoas. (He is very much fit and healthy) but he knows I come with health conditions and understands that. Seems very very nice indeed and I hope it works this time. My home life with Ex and 16yr old son is unbearable. I don't know how much physical and mental torture from them I can take. I took an injunction order out but they still here. Police aware but no one knows why they are still living with me! I have no where else to go and don't want to give up my home anyway! They both said they won't stop until I have had a heart attack and die.

  • My adult kids were mean and very disrespectful to me too. I even moved my son and his girlfriend in for 7 months. My son had my first grand child he is 8 months now. My son smokes weed and drinks so does his girlfriend. I don't do nothing. The oder from the smoking always flared up my lupus. They refused to move out until I told the Police my life was in danger. I have peace N quiet now. But truly miss my grand son

  • If he is for you time will tell. I have a 6 yr old son. As soon as I was diagnosed with lupus a lot of my relationships failed. I hate being alone too but I can't find the time and energy to invest in a relationship barely find time for me. Bring alone is my life now

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