Advice: I was told last week by my rumatologist... - LUPUS UK


27,291 members23,445 posts



I was told last week by my rumatologist that the sle is progressing with possible kidney involment now.

My problem is my mother in law is 94 and asking to live with us, my husband wouldn't help her so it would all be down to me. She's capable of looking after herself but wants the full care package off me.

Her social worker said a not fit enough to look after her, but she keeps playing on me saying it's my duty, I feel guilty now at not being there for her. I just don't know what to do. We're going to see her tomorrow please someone must be in the same situation!

Sorry if this posts not allowed I don't know where to turn

10 Replies

The answer is a resounding no. I had my MIL living in a granny flat, not even in my part of the house, and at the time I was still fit and healthy - it was so stressful. I managed OK, even when OH had cancer but I wouldn't now and I don't have lupus.

luupysue in reply to PMRpro

Thank you for your reply. Its just so hard when family ask for help, which is getting more often, my husbands brother and wife never get asked for anything. It's the same on my side of the family my 2 brothers want nothing to do with any of it and all three have told me in the past both mothers are my problem.

I know I will cope for a week or 2 but not sure who will pick me up after that.

I think your right I have to say no. Thank you

PMRpro in reply to luupysue

Can you not get your doctors to stand up for you? You obviously have a delightful family...

Hi Sue, I sympathise with you as I have a mother in law in the same situation. Can you not get some care organised by social services? It may not be 100% what you are looking for but at least you can get a breather. Ask her social worker to do a care plan and you can ask for a carer attendance allowance which will contribute partially for a carer.

Hope this helps

Best wishes.

I know how difficult old ladies in their 90's can be. (I'm heading that way & am Practising!) They seem to think they are entitled to take over younger people's lives. But the aren't so the answer is No way.

You must take a deep breath, explain that you are not well,& if she

comes C to live with you ....she will have to look after not only her son but you too. & that would not be fair on her ...& you won't have it.

Get onto the social worker and ask her to arrange a care package for your mother-in-law her age it should be fairly easy to get something like that organised especially as you are not fit to do it.

If she doesn't want to accept help, don't waver you must look after your own health.

Would your husband support you do that , do you think?

After all if she does come he will be looking after both of you make that clear to him.......that he will be the one doing the caring not you.

Sounds harsh but I know when I'm having a bad time it,s hard enough to look after myself....I certainly couldn't care for somebody else.

Just Say No.

Thank you I certainly will give it a go, we're seeing her tomorrow and ll get the care manger to come to her flat and ask him to back me up

If you want to get worse and compound the problem take her are not capable of having anyone else living with you. You say she's playing on your emotions, could you imaging howbad out was be if you couldn't get away? I was a caregiver and had to walk away from my job and a friend that had dementia and would try working me so I would move her to a different facility that she couldn't afford. I finally had to quit going to see her, I just could not handle the stress. You need to take care of you.

Sorry you’re in this difficult situation and I agree with everyone else - stress and not resting appropriately makes lupus worse and it would be incredibly stressful. I helped look after my mum with dementia. She had been an amazing perfect mum and we had a brilliant relationship but the stress and damage to my health was huge. We had to put her in a care home which we felt very guilty about but actually she was very happy there.

I like agedcrone’s way of phrasing it to both her and your husband that in fact it will be them doing the caring. You can’t risk permanent damage to your health and it sounds like there are plenty of other people who can help who don’t have a serious disease.

Good luck, be strong


luupysue in reply to Melba1

Thank you all for the advice, your right it's time to start taking care of me and say No. My family are aware I am ill but don't think they think its more than being not well with flu. Stress is bad for us all and I know how stressed I get when arou d my mother in law and my husband isnt any better than his mother sometimes I think he thinks I am his mother. The answer from now on is No I can't do it, and if they don't like it nothing am doing about it.

Thank you x

whisperit in reply to luupysue

I'm can't improve on the advice others have given, only agree with them. Don't forget that this isn't a case of you being selfish or just 'looking after yourself' - it's a purely rational decision based on what would be best for the family as a whole. If she were to move in, with you being given responsibility for her care, the result would be that both you are her would very quickly deteriorate and require double the support that she currently needs. Her social worker should be able to see that, and that the job of organising any alternative must fall on others. Good luck x

You may also like...