I’m lost.. I’m sorry,
Recently I’ve had 3 assessments in the past week in half over the phone regarding my mental health.
I’ve been easily diagnosed with severe depression. Quickest diagnosis ever !
I thought the mind was as complex as the body.. but it goes to show how they think... tablets will never cure this type of sadness.. there is no pill in the world that will release me from this pit. I don’t want to be a zombie, I don’t want to become dependent on a pill that will only mask what’s beneath the surface. The root cause is my health, my constant pillar to post battle, the waiting game, the relentless pursuit to be heard, to be taken seriously. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. whoever came up with that saying needs to take a long run and jump.. because I have sat in front of my parents this evening & I told them I want to die, I no longer want or need to be here, I have no love or care for anything, I don’t know who I am or why I was even born, I watched my parents crumble & cry, & I felt ****, I felt worse for telling the truth, where I could of comforted them with a lie.. but I’ve been lying to myself for a long time & living in denial. I put a mask on every morning, I hid the cracks under my fake smile. I pretended that I wasn’t bothered, one day it would happen for me, one day I would find a good doctor the right doctor, a man/woman who would look at me and say “there you are we’ve been waiting for you” obviously not with words but with a look, that empathy you see through someone’s eyes when they want to help, they connect with you on a level of care want & understanding. They accept you not reject you, they listen instead of ignore you, they want to know you not dislike you. I just want something I know I will never have, & I’m waiting for something that will never happen.
Loneliness Is Deadly...
I’m not in a good place, I self loath, & I feel absolutely nothing. Numb.
My thoughts consist of the dark & ugly I never thought for a second that my brain could conjure up such evil horrible things. I feel complete & utter sadness. Don’t get me wrong we all go through phases of hopelessness & I feel so alone, & so sad, I have done all I can to be patient & positive & hopeful throughout my journey. I’ve taken all the advice I could get, I’ve done my best to stay & face my complex illness, but it’s beat me. I still have no name no label no answers & I am so used to being left in the dark that I’ve decided I’m better off dead. Everyone else will be much better off without me - because my health is like playing the same broken record over & over.. annoying & dam right unnecessary.
I am holding out till Tuesday tue 28 of November. I get to see my GI consultant. Where I will receive all my results. From recent CT scan, Stool culture, Bloods etc.
I’ve only had to wait 2 weeks for this appointment & instead of paying to see mr shaw again privately he’s seeing me through the NHS. Surprised me to have such a quick response after a CT scan. I’ve never come out of a scan & received a text message straight away giving me a date & time. Maybe some prayers have been answered...
I have to be honest with myself & to all of you, I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t take anymore. I’m strong at heart, but there is only so much one can take.
It’s not just about my health, that’s a major piece of course but I also struggle with my own personal demons. If it’s not another health condition or symptom or complexity, it’s everyday general life issues, if it’s not bills it’s family if it’s not family it’s my partner & his illness the list is endless.. & so exhausting. I just want to sleep sleep sleep it all away.
I’ve tried self help books, hypnosis, mediation, I cannot have a healthy diet as I cannot eat. Ensure shakes are my only option, I have tried mash every now and then which comes with a lot of deep pain which makes me fearful to try again next time,
I’ve tried to eat but it’s too painful, I’ve tried... I really have. Do you know how hard It is to see a fridge full of fresh ingredients, & chocolate cakes, & ripe fruit.. it’s frustrating, makes me irritable & angry. The things people take for granted !
I haven’t given up on eating, after trying small amounts of soup or mash with a little steamed veg mixed in I endure hours of agony during & after digestion. The pain reduces me to tears & I roll around in bed for what seems like forever all for the sake of a tiny meal made for a sparrow..
Either way I can’t win, & due to my extreme unintended weight loss family members are forcing me to eat, watching my every move when it comes to food. I know they care but there is a big difference between wanting to eat & can’t. I feel like a CLOWN behind the glass, being mocked & moaned at because I’m not “normal” I’m a problem” All I have to do is put the food in my mouth and swallow it’s that easy” mum dad- I haven’t got a eating disorder for crying out loud.. my body cannot digest fat or solids.. hello ! Did you not read the god dam consultants letter.. *shakes are advised, liquid diet would be more manageable for the time being. Little & often. * & so on.
Big plates filled with a mountain of food is unbearable to look at it ! Let alone eat. Some days I feel ravished, & other days I have NO appetite. Today I managed a biscuit dipped in a cup of tea. Slush basically. I’m not hungry anymore.
I think my brain has finally caught up though my body has taken a beating, & my mind was the only thing I could count on, ive lost a few nuts & bolts over the years lol but I feel different & I’ve never felt this way before, I’m consumed with sorrow its the only way I can describe it. *I’m just a dead piece of skin with eyes!*
My mind Has kept me going, my brain gave me hope, & kept the optimism & positivity booming despite facing adversity every moment of every day. I feel my body giving in every day but my mind was fighting to keep it strong.. now I don’t feel like I have either.. my soul is very tired of fighting for the both of them..
I don’t like the word “depression” I feel it’s more sadness than anything. I’m lonely! Isolated, confined, in prisoned, & no one knows how I feel. No one knows what it’s like unless they can walk in my shoes. I think about death every other day & it’s the only thing that makes me happy.. my gosh
I’ve just broken my own heart by writing that, as I’ve never had this overwhelming need or want to die.
I know people will say “don’t be silly” Stay strong” things will get better..
I know that, I’ve experienced many lows & a few highs & im really grateful for the good days as they make me appreciate when a bad day hits I know a good day will find me once again, recently though it’s been bad after bad & all I hear is “ well things can’t get any worse surely”
Umm yeah !!! They have & will...
That’s not me being negative thats me predicting what’s already been & is yet to come, it’s so predictable. My life is a predictable pathetic pain in my ass!
Writing this I’ve realised I haven’t hit the nail on the head & I’m just rambling-
this illness is wicked & cruel, I’ve made a decision. One that most people will not agree on, before I act on “death” there is one more thing I want to consent to ~ exploratory laparotomy~ If Tuesday fails & my results are inconclusive I will demand for exploratory surgery.
The nail has been hit on the head : i dont think I want to die, I think about it every day & what it would be like to be free, i want to be released so badly & im so desperate to end my pain, I know it’s a easy way out & cowardly as people may say, but I think it takes some serious guts!
I’ve been stuck like this on & off for 13 years. But much worse Since 2015 I feel like I’m shackled to invisible chains.. this chronic illness has its claws dug deep into my flesh, gnawing through my bones & only I can feel it.. I have to tell myself everyday, “this can’t last forever can it? One day it will all have to come end right ? I’ve always believed that hope floats up when you least expect it. everything I used to stand by leaves me empty, I’ve lost my faith, where has my hope floated up too.. someone else must of received it as I haven’t seen or felt it for a while..
Someone out there must be able to relate. I’m sorry if this causes a trigger.
My self loathing falls into Ambiguous loss/frozen grief.
Can’t look at myself, critical towards the way I look, hate my reflection scarred from head to toe, lost 40% of my hair, wearing a cap to bed, lost 3stone in weight, spine & ribs are all on show. My boobs have shrunk into nothing, I don’t know who I am & I can’t find the women I once was. She’s gone & the person I am now is a stranger!
My mood swings range from, ok too tearful irritated & constant sobbing, I’m ok until I look in the mirror...
I hate myself and the person I have become.
There are angels & demons at war inside my chest. Sometimes it feels like the good & evil are trying to possess.
I guess Forever is a long time to be walking on a fine line... one day it will snap & I will fall, I just Hope I get my wings before hand...