suicidal thoughts

I’m lost.. I’m sorry,

Recently I’ve had 3 assessments in the past week in half over the phone regarding my mental health.

I’ve been easily diagnosed with severe depression. Quickest diagnosis ever !

I thought the mind was as complex as the body.. but it goes to show how they think... tablets will never cure this type of sadness.. there is no pill in the world that will release me from this pit. I don’t want to be a zombie, I don’t want to become dependent on a pill that will only mask what’s beneath the surface. The root cause is my health, my constant pillar to post battle, the waiting game, the relentless pursuit to be heard, to be taken seriously. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. whoever came up with that saying needs to take a long run and jump.. because I have sat in front of my parents this evening & I told them I want to die, I no longer want or need to be here, I have no love or care for anything, I don’t know who I am or why I was even born, I watched my parents crumble & cry, & I felt ****, I felt worse for telling the truth, where I could of comforted them with a lie.. but I’ve been lying to myself for a long time & living in denial. I put a mask on every morning, I hid the cracks under my fake smile. I pretended that I wasn’t bothered, one day it would happen for me, one day I would find a good doctor the right doctor, a man/woman who would look at me and say “there you are we’ve been waiting for you” obviously not with words but with a look, that empathy you see through someone’s eyes when they want to help, they connect with you on a level of care want & understanding. They accept you not reject you, they listen instead of ignore you, they want to know you not dislike you. I just want something I know I will never have, & I’m waiting for something that will never happen.

Loneliness Is Deadly...

I’m not in a good place, I self loath, & I feel absolutely nothing. Numb.

My thoughts consist of the dark & ugly I never thought for a second that my brain could conjure up such evil horrible things. I feel complete & utter sadness. Don’t get me wrong we all go through phases of hopelessness & I feel so alone, & so sad, I have done all I can to be patient & positive & hopeful throughout my journey. I’ve taken all the advice I could get, I’ve done my best to stay & face my complex illness, but it’s beat me. I still have no name no label no answers & I am so used to being left in the dark that I’ve decided I’m better off dead. Everyone else will be much better off without me - because my health is like playing the same broken record over & over.. annoying & dam right unnecessary.

I am holding out till Tuesday tue 28 of November. I get to see my GI consultant. Where I will receive all my results. From recent CT scan, Stool culture, Bloods etc.

I’ve only had to wait 2 weeks for this appointment & instead of paying to see mr shaw again privately he’s seeing me through the NHS. Surprised me to have such a quick response after a CT scan. I’ve never come out of a scan & received a text message straight away giving me a date & time. Maybe some prayers have been answered...

I have to be honest with myself & to all of you, I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t take anymore. I’m strong at heart, but there is only so much one can take.

It’s not just about my health, that’s a major piece of course but I also struggle with my own personal demons. If it’s not another health condition or symptom or complexity, it’s everyday general life issues, if it’s not bills it’s family if it’s not family it’s my partner & his illness the list is endless.. & so exhausting. I just want to sleep sleep sleep it all away.

I’ve tried self help books, hypnosis, mediation, I cannot have a healthy diet as I cannot eat. Ensure shakes are my only option, I have tried mash every now and then which comes with a lot of deep pain which makes me fearful to try again next time,

I’ve tried to eat but it’s too painful, I’ve tried... I really have. Do you know how hard It is to see a fridge full of fresh ingredients, & chocolate cakes, & ripe fruit.. it’s frustrating, makes me irritable & angry. The things people take for granted !

I haven’t given up on eating, after trying small amounts of soup or mash with a little steamed veg mixed in I endure hours of agony during & after digestion. The pain reduces me to tears & I roll around in bed for what seems like forever all for the sake of a tiny meal made for a sparrow..

Either way I can’t win, & due to my extreme unintended weight loss family members are forcing me to eat, watching my every move when it comes to food. I know they care but there is a big difference between wanting to eat & can’t. I feel like a CLOWN behind the glass, being mocked & moaned at because I’m not “normal” I’m a problem” All I have to do is put the food in my mouth and swallow it’s that easy” mum dad- I haven’t got a eating disorder for crying out loud.. my body cannot digest fat or solids.. hello ! Did you not read the god dam consultants letter.. *shakes are advised, liquid diet would be more manageable for the time being. Little & often. * & so on.

Big plates filled with a mountain of food is unbearable to look at it ! Let alone eat. Some days I feel ravished, & other days I have NO appetite. Today I managed a biscuit dipped in a cup of tea. Slush basically. I’m not hungry anymore.

I think my brain has finally caught up though my body has taken a beating, & my mind was the only thing I could count on, ive lost a few nuts & bolts over the years lol but I feel different & I’ve never felt this way before, I’m consumed with sorrow its the only way I can describe it. *I’m just a dead piece of skin with eyes!*

My mind Has kept me going, my brain gave me hope, & kept the optimism & positivity booming despite facing adversity every moment of every day. I feel my body giving in every day but my mind was fighting to keep it strong.. now I don’t feel like I have either.. my soul is very tired of fighting for the both of them..

I don’t like the word “depression” I feel it’s more sadness than anything. I’m lonely! Isolated, confined, in prisoned, & no one knows how I feel. No one knows what it’s like unless they can walk in my shoes. I think about death every other day & it’s the only thing that makes me happy.. my gosh

I’ve just broken my own heart by writing that, as I’ve never had this overwhelming need or want to die.

I know people will say “don’t be silly” Stay strong” things will get better..

I know that, I’ve experienced many lows & a few highs & im really grateful for the good days as they make me appreciate when a bad day hits I know a good day will find me once again, recently though it’s been bad after bad & all I hear is “ well things can’t get any worse surely”

Umm yeah !!! They have & will...

That’s not me being negative thats me predicting what’s already been & is yet to come, it’s so predictable. My life is a predictable pathetic pain in my ass!

Writing this I’ve realised I haven’t hit the nail on the head & I’m just rambling-

this illness is wicked & cruel, I’ve made a decision. One that most people will not agree on, before I act on “death” there is one more thing I want to consent to ~ exploratory laparotomy~ If Tuesday fails & my results are inconclusive I will demand for exploratory surgery.

The nail has been hit on the head : i dont think I want to die, I think about it every day & what it would be like to be free, i want to be released so badly & im so desperate to end my pain, I know it’s a easy way out & cowardly as people may say, but I think it takes some serious guts!

I’ve been stuck like this on & off for 13 years. But much worse Since 2015 I feel like I’m shackled to invisible chains.. this chronic illness has its claws dug deep into my flesh, gnawing through my bones & only I can feel it.. I have to tell myself everyday, “this can’t last forever can it? One day it will all have to come end right ? I’ve always believed that hope floats up when you least expect it. everything I used to stand by leaves me empty, I’ve lost my faith, where has my hope floated up too.. someone else must of received it as I haven’t seen or felt it for a while..

Someone out there must be able to relate. I’m sorry if this causes a trigger.

My self loathing falls into Ambiguous loss/frozen grief.

Can’t look at myself, critical towards the way I look, hate my reflection scarred from head to toe, lost 40% of my hair, wearing a cap to bed, lost 3stone in weight, spine & ribs are all on show. My boobs have shrunk into nothing, I don’t know who I am & I can’t find the women I once was. She’s gone & the person I am now is a stranger!

My mood swings range from, ok too tearful irritated & constant sobbing, I’m ok until I look in the mirror...

I hate myself and the person I have become.

There are angels & demons at war inside my chest. Sometimes it feels like the good & evil are trying to possess.

I guess Forever is a long time to be walking on a fine line... one day it will snap & I will fall, I just Hope I get my wings before hand...

Sigh...........

Sorry x

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29 Replies

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  • I have felt this way so many times. you are not alone. trust me. I have felt all of how you feel. hang in there. xx

  • Thank you mandypandy, I’m sorry to hear that you have had to endure this nightmare too. Hugs Hun, ditto 💝trying my best to xx

  • I know. Many times I go to bed and hope not to wake up. After seeing my GP yesterday my BMI was below 16. Plenty of food in the house, but no desire to eat.

    When it's bad, the Samaritans can be very good. They listen to anything, mental , physical, the price of bread, and it's a suprising relief. X

  • Hey Lupiknits,

    Thank you for your message, please excuse my late reply 🙏🏼

    Even though I know I’m not the only one who thinks about going to bed & not waking up. It saddens me to think you have felt that too, I have so much hope for others more than I have for myself. When it comes to helping other people get through their bad times i put in 100% but I can’t do that for myself I struggle to help myself. It’s hard to practice what i preach & save myself but I find it easy to help others who are in the same situation.

    Hope I’m making sense-

    Sorry you’ve felt that Lupiknits, I can most definitely relate to the no desire to eat! big loving hugs 🤗

    I have called the smartitans quite a few times. I do find it very helpful.

    Much love

    Laura ❤️x

  • You are a very sweet and loving lady ❤️ x

  • I am so sorry you feel so hopeless. As other's have said, you aren't alone - but it must really feel like you are.

    All of us are facing this horrible problem of having a complicated disease when the NHS is in crisis. Doctors are having to make decisions about rationalising care all the time, which they don't talk to us about and (I think) need to rationalise to themselves as well. They are overworked, and probably feel overwhelmed in the face of complicated cases. The only thing I've ever found that works with them is to acknowledge the reality they are facing but explain to them why they need to take the time with you (which isn't just about helping with the illness - it's about the people who depend on you and your own life). And now it's got very, very critical with you.

    We can only hope that the crisis will be resolved, and act when we can.

    I was reading back through a few of your posts and I was wondering if you shouldn't print them off and give them to a specialist to read. I was reading the book "Never Bet against Occam' (which is about mast cell disease) and the very useful point the author makes is that docs like to treat symptoms as separate diseases, whereas this doc thinks there must be one underlying cause. From your posts, whatever is wrong seems to be very out of control.

    I was also wondering if there wasn't a group or individual who could advocate for you (since you are no doubt utterly exhausted). Perhaps the group or the moderators could help with that because I don't know who they might be. It seems as though you need some help now. A kind of buffer between you and the system.

    Anyway, my deepest sympathies to you and I hope you will find a way through this.

  • Hey treetop33,

    Your message was moving & I’m very grateful to you. Thank you.

    I have sat on a chair looking out of my window for a few days, Sometimes I think of nothing & other days I think of absolutely everything. I realise that the NHS are crumbling, & they are faced with many problems. But.. everyone around me, family & friends have been treated extremely well, they get spoken to very well. & it seems like I’m the oddball that receives the attitude and brunt of all the doctors having a bad day.

    I wondered if it was just me.. but my dad noticed it too. It’s just something about “me” that medical professionals don’t like.

    I am aware that I am complex that’s a label that has stuck with me since this all began.

    I haven’t felt bad about it until the depression sinked in. “Complex” my identity is gone.

    I have kept a picture log since February this year. From lesions to swollen legs & feet & hands. To oral blood blisters & oral ulcers, tongue discolouration, yellow tinge to my eyes etc. The things I cannot take pictures of like my heart and lungs kidney & spine, headaches GI & gut etc I have to described my myself to people who judge a book by its cover. & don’t really care to hear what I have to say.

    My body is filled with scars. I’ve lost nearly 3 stone in weight. My skin is as white as snow. Does my head need to be rolling off to be taken seriously, other people who have simple problems have a quick fix which is somewhat annoying because I was in A&E with a dislocated hip. A guy sat next to me drunk with a cut on his knuckle. I was crying & wailing In pain & he was asleep. He was called in instead of me, “ we’re just quickly fix him won’t be long”

    Long story short I had tried to walk down the stairs I missed a step & popped my hip out but can normally pop it back In myself as I am hyper mobile but it wouldn’t go all the way back in. Despite waiting hours to be seen, I was fixed. You can fix a broken or dislocated bone, but everything going on in the inside of you is invisible.

    Until investigated..

    I do feel invisible most of the time.

    Yes everything is out of control sadly, it’s been a long time coming, I’m surprised that it took a long while for my depression to hit me, I’ve had up and down days but nothing of what I’m experiencing now.

    Maybe all the disappointments, the broken promises, the wicked waiting game, the pain & increase of symptoms, & no where or no one to turn to has led me to this pit.

    I know I may sound like I’m moaning endlessly, and all of my posts consist of me not getting anywhere. But I’m no better off really. I haven’t got any better. I suppose if I knew what I had they could control it & I could move on & learn to live with it. But I’ve been denied the right tests over the years, & I don’t understand why others get the best treatment and I don’t. The NHS are great for the lucky ones. I’m the oddball but I am a good person with a good heart & I can lay my life on this fact that.. “ if doctors would just spend that extra bit of time on me, brain storming a plan of action of how we are going to approach these issues & ask me what I would like to happen. INCLUDE me ! I’m here it’s my body hello ! Not speak like I’m

    Not even in the room, talk over me like I haven’t got a voice, include my wants & needs as it’s my right, I have free will, I have ever right to be apart of the plan. After all it’s up to me not up to them. I have put my Life in the hands of people who don’t give a shit, I am just a number just another patient.

    I have held on to there words like gold dust, I have endured months of waiting by the phone for a simple phone call with some simple results.

    I have put the effort in to get better, but they haven’t.

    I have travelled to different hospitals to find answers that no one seems to want to tell me. I’m not crazy, or a

    Hypochondriac. I really just want to get better, I’m at war with my mind now if things are not hard enough.

    But....... I read people’s posts on here. Some are where I am or used to be. & some are under the care of complete angels. I just can’t get my head round why I am still fighting for something that is never going to happen.

    That’s not a negative card that’s a hopeless pointless cry for help as I know my life! I know the way I am treated is different to others. I don’t want to be rambling on about health problems I want to be out enjoying my life, living again not deteriorating into nothing. The NHS could help me if they choose to.

    I go to these a Appointments now trying not to be myself, if I am me they won’t help me. Sounds strange doesn’t it ?!

    I care to much of what people think of me.. so the only way to push past that is to switch off my humanity for a while.

    I think of doctors as rotten apples. Every appointment I attend I take a basket.. (not literally) (visually) & after I Place The poison rotten apples in the basket. I have umpteen apples! My new consultant Mr shaw, is the only ripe one. Bright in colour, & Fresh. I hold this apple in my hand hoping that I won’t have to add him to the rotten ones in the basket.

    Hope breeds misery, but I HOPE one last time that he will be the end to my misery.

    I hope and pray that the only way out of this is not death it’s the start of a new life.

    Sometimes you have to pay to be privileged with a good doctor but I could tell when my dad and I met him that we connected heart to heart.

    His letters/reports are filled with hope, faith that things will be ok in the end. I have to chant to myself don’t give up don’t give up don’t give up, “keep going my girl” as my grandad always said.

    I’ll be receiving my complete health record bible next week.

    I will be able to read about myself & understand more, plus I will know for sure how long I’ve been battling this & why nothing has been done about it. & then after my follow up with doctor shaw & action plan if there is one, I’ll have no other choice but to take my life into my own hands & find a solution to end my unnecessary suffering & for the very first time in weeks it’s not death that’s on my mind its life. I haven’t had much of a life & I want to live again. I think writing this to you has helped a great deal because I can finally write what my soul wants to say.

    If I choose exploratory surgery that’s my free will. If no one wants to help me get to the bottom of things (literally) than I will walk through fire to save my life.

    Thank you for taking the time to write and read my reply.

    People who are healthy wish for fastest cars luxury clothes, mansions & expensive things. I pray just to be somewhat healthy that’s all I wish for.. I couldn’t want for anything more..

    💖

  • Good luck Laura for your GI appointment on Tuesday. Hope you get much needed answers and help. Let us know and TAKE CARE. X

  • Hi misty,

    Thanks, I’ve yet to update you all on my GI appointment.

    I’ll make a new post later.

    Much love & up most appreciation for your message ❤️🙏🏼❤️

    Hope you are ok Hun x

  • That would be great Laura but in your own time. X

  • I hope you find some comfort soon... be strong xxxx

  • Jazpont thank you so much. I found warmth in your message which bought the comfort I needed. 💖xxx

  • Wish I could offer a solution, Laura, but I woke up knowing that I could look forward to yet another day sitting in the same armchair, battling the same pain, and seeing no-one.

    Two things that are marginally helpful for me: one, reminding myself that the darkest thoughts of self-hatred are the product of this disease too. I regard them as unwelcome aliens and tell them that I am not going to listen. Instead, I try to put what little energy I have into setting myself tiny little tasks to keep me going for the next hour...then the next....then the next....Since I am so limited physically, they really do have to be *small* tasks, such as watching an episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on the laptop, or looking up a random gift I could send to someone for less than £1.50, or writing an email to my MP to tell him I want him to support the campaign to protect Hen Harriers or organise my change into piles of the same denomination....anything to keep me going - just about.

    It sounds like you need a lot of support atm. Like Lupiknits says, the Samaritans are good. Even if all you can manage is to sit silently on the end of the line, just having the feeling that someone else is there with you can blunt the sharpest edge of what you are feeling.

    M X

  • Hey Whisperit

    I like the way you think...🖕🏻

    You say this disease.. but I have no diagnosis. The day I was diagnosed with SLE, & I posted on this forum for the first time was like having a safe place to land. I finally thought I had found my feet. & now I may not have SLE, now it’s all changed and it could be something else. I can’t say I have this disease but whatever it is it’s got its got me on lockdown.

    Despite being “Severely Depressed” I have chosen not to lie in bed all hours of the day, I read your reply, got up & started making a tiny task list. It gave me hope.

    My partner made a stew, praying I could eat it. Set alarm clocks to sit & eat, little & often. Slowly but surely it went down, tasted beautiful but didn’t sit on my stomach for long.. but I tried and successfully ate.

    Little things like watch pretty little liars, it makes me happy. Watched the whole thing 5 times already but it’s brilliant. They have as much drama in there life as I have in mine ha!

    I’m reading a book I purchased on amazon it’s called “The life changing magic of not giving a F*** (fuzz) 😉🙃

    It’s absolutely marvellous! It’s like she has written from my own perspective. I care way to much about everything & everyone. It’s out of control I guess I just have a big heart with a lot of love overflowing. But I can’t carry it so I need to learn to let go of the things that are doing me more harm then good. My boyfriend thought I lost another screw! I was sat in my living room, face in the book “ laughing” he said it was amazing to hear me laugh again, & the look on my face & sparkles in my eyes. He says I always light up when I’m doing what I love, the book is brilliant, before I started reading it I stared at the cover thinking yeah right ! My mind had already decided it was a big no no but heart & soul pushed me to open it & read. I’m so glad I did... I’m no where near the end which is great because it’s too good! It’s brightened up my days & it helps.

    Her bullet points are hilarious!

    The word F is written everywhere & you can’t help but laugh. I couldn’t believe the title but I believe it’s written to help you get rid of all the bad things that you don’t really need to care about. Decluttering!

    If you do ever come across and read it let me know what you think.

    And yes I took all the advice and rang them it was refreshing to let out things I’ve kept hidden.

    I appreciate all the advice and support. It’s worth more than it’s weight in gold xx

  • I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. I'm sending lots of good thoughts and love your way. Here's to finding a way through xxxx

  • Thank you loopy87

    Your good thoughts & love was received & appreciated so much. Xxxxx

  • Hope things have improved xxx

  • Laura, only listen to the thoughts that are truth. Its true that you are sick and seeking an answer, its a lie that everyone would be better off without you. Its the truth that you have been waiting for relief for a long time, its a lie that you deserve to be hated by yourself. Its the truth that your life is extremely difficult right now , and has been, its a lie that nothing is ever going to change. Its the truth that youve had it with pain in your life, its a lie that you want death more than an answer to your pain. Its the truth that your numb to feelings, its a lie that you are ok with that. Laura, there is only one of you in this whole world. No one is like you. You have good in you that you have forgotten about, because pain has become the commanding factor for your life. Dont let your sickness win. Believe me, there are so many of us who can relate to that PIT you spoke o, and my heart goes out to you, because Ive been there many times myself. There is help for you, help for every area of need. Physical mental spiritual. Physical, its a process, but continue keeping on, it needs time to get to conclusions. Mental, your health has a tremendous effect on your mental state, but the state of your mental health can be helped as the Doctors searching for answers for your physical ailments. Dont discount antidepressants as part of the program to help you feel better, they, along with didactyl thought processing can help with your negative thoughts. Spiritual, I dont know what your beliefs are, and I mean no offence, but I wish to pray for you, and to let you know that this stranger cares about your situation. I have been there, in the depths of despair in the lonely empty place that leaves you gasping for breath, ready to believe the sludge that your mind comes up with, so, in my small small way, I can relate to what you are feeling. You are definitely not alone. Do not take the advice of the lies in your head, only listen to the wisdom of truth. Please keep in touch, love Littlebowpeep.

  • Hi LauraMk30,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much at the moment with these feelings. Well done for talking about your thoughts and feelings with your parents. It is a very brave thing to do and I hope that sharing will offer a bit of relief.

    Following these assessments and diagnosis, does your doctor have any suggestions for treatment/support? I appreciate that you may not want to take antidepressant medication, but other support such as counselling and psychotherapy are also available.

    It is also worth bearing in mind that depression can be a direct symptom of lupus as well, rather than the result of living with a chronic health condition. In cases like this, the depression symptoms may improve when disease activity is controlled effectively with treatment.

    I hope that your appointment goes well tomorrow and you get some answers. Please let us know how you get on.

    Please feel free to continue to share here whenever you need to. I'm glad that some members of the community have offered their support already.

    If you would like more information about lupus and depression and other support services that are available, our leaflet is available at lupusuk.org.uk/lupus-and-de...

    If you would like to chat with one of our trained volunteer telephone contacts please let me know and I will be happy to provide you with more details.

    Many people do also find it helpful to talk to Samaritans at times. You can call them any time on 116 123.

  • Dear Laura

    One of my symptoms, the earliest one was depression. I've been taking seroxat antidepressant for 23 years. I honestly think it has saved my life. I don't feel like a zombie, I feel 'normal' with ups and downs like anyone. You will not always feel like this, hold on and get through an hour at a time, everything changes. This is a miserable time of year even if one isn't depressed. I hope your appointment goes well, just hold on and take all the help that is offered. Good luck lovely xx

  • Dear Laura

    We are all with you. Please keep talking.

    Best wishes Kevin

  • Thank you Kevin53

    When I read this it brought happy tears.

    Much comfort & a saving grace

    Thank you

  • To all of you that have taken the time to message me you have no idea how much your love and kindness means to me. I have read each message over and over umpteen times, I will message back this evening individually. I spent yesterday In bed and took some time to rest my body and mind. I also had the saddest news that my old dear friend of only 28 years old committed suicide and I’ve been somewhat knocked for 6. So I promise I will reply. I have so much to say back and your messages have literally pulled me out of the pit. I mean I’ve scratched my way out because of you. I cant express my gratitude your all angels & I’m so so lucky & grateful to have you in my life 🙏🏼 I keep all your messages close and read them when I feel like giving up. You lovely people are a godsend and you mean a lot to me. So thank you x

  • Laura I don't have lupus but have eds, Sjogrens and A.S. I have felt exactly like this many times. As someone else has said here, the system we are navigating is not fit for purpose when it comes to chronic illness like this and you are left ploughing through treacle. The reason I am posting is firstly to say the Samaritans are great. I have called them numerous times only to talk about the impact health has had on my life and to cry. You can be more honest than with your own family and friends I have found.

    The other thing is that when my sjogrens symptoms are flaring badly my state of mind can be affected. These illnesses are known to impact cognitive function I understand and systemic inflammation has been implicated in cases of depression. I'm no doctor but I feel certain that my state of mind is significantly influenced directly by autoimmune activity affecting my brain / nerves in a physiological way.

    I really hope you are on a decent treatment or will be able to access some soon. Loads of hugs xx

  • LauraMK30s post made me cry. Saw a video from curiosity.com on how sickness changes the brain. Gives 2 main new research reasons for becoming anti social, depressed when sick...how the immune system affects the brain. Was in this PIT a few times, strongly believe the state of mind, sadness, grief feeds my illness. The devil wants us to lose hope!

    Chuck out from your mind and the heart all sadness and the body starts to heal.

    A friend once said...no point in worrying about what you can't control. Letting go of worrying and sadness and simply relying on God works.

    He tests those He loves the hardest. And only with what one has the strength to bear. So we are all strong and loved!!! That itself makes me happy :)

    Hugs xx

  • Hey Whisperit

    I like the way you think...🖕🏻

    You say this disease.. but I have no diagnosis. The day I was diagnosed with SLE, & I posted on this forum for the first time was like having a safe place to land. I finally thought I had found my feet. & now I may not have SLE, now it’s all changed and it could be something else. I can’t say I have this disease but whatever it is it’s got its got me on lockdown.

    Despite being “Severely Depressed” I have chosen not to lie in bed all hours of the day, I read your reply, got up & started making a tiny task list. It gave me hope.

    My partner made a stew, praying I could eat it. Set alarm clocks to sit & eat, little & often. Slowly but surely it went down, tasted beautiful but didn’t sit on my stomach for long.. but I tried and successfully ate.

    Little things like watch pretty little liars, it makes me happy. Watched the whole thing 5 times already but it’s brilliant. They have as much drama in there life as I have in mine ha!

    I’m reading a book I purchased on amazon: author Sarah Knight- The life changing magic of not giving a F***

    I’ve found myself lost in the book. It’s one of the best books I’ve ever read. I relate to her words & it’s impacting I guess it feels like someone wrote a book from my perspective. It’s oddly accurate and funny!

    I care so much.... about everything and everyone. It would be a refreshing change to not give a... F...uzz you know 🖕🏻☺️

    I recommend giving it a read. My partner thought I was going loopy well more loopy in my case - I was laughing in the front room curled up on the sofa reading for just over an hour. He said it was great to hear me laugh again it felt good too. It’s amazing how a good book that you really enjoy reading can get the blood pumping through your veins, brings out the good in you, it’s simply full of truth & will have you giggling & amused for hours. It helps change the way you think, slowly I’m trying not to care soooooooooooo much. Magical.

    Thanks Hun, I took all the advice and phoned them. It felt good to cry & express the darkest parts of me. It does help ease the load I’m carrying.

    Many thanks for your message & the tasks tips .

    It’s helped more than you know. Xx

  • Thank you - that book has now gone onto my Xmas list! Your thoughts about learning to let go of some of the things that make us hurt is spot on - I had to practice it very hard yesterday in an online forum (not this one) where someone had disclosed another person's confidential info - I was so upset for them! Funny enough, one of my tasks for today is to write something in my daughter's family memories book about this - we were talking just recently about how difficult it is to remain hopeful and positive when the world seems filled with hatred and cruelty and bullying.... It's so good that you've managed to claw back some of your life, and I do hope you can give yourself some credit for that. My motto for the week is "Despair but never submit" ! (and watch Detectorists again). Have a good day x

  • Littlebowpeep.. what a lovely alias.

    I was sat on a swing near the river when I read your reply.

    I will admit I was very tearful, but your wise words moved me beyond belief. You are correct about the lies, I never thought my own mind had a life of it’s own. I didn’t realise it could lie to me, it’s apart of me but I didn’t think it could literally force me into killing myself. I understand now why people say the mind is so powerful!

    I was persistent that medication wouldn’t help. I was too PROUD. Stiff neck pride had its way. It’s hard to break out of old habits. As they say old habits die hard.

    I am a Christian, due to the fact of my deterioration my family priest comes to visit me, We have had prayer ministry at my home & holy communion. & have had forms of mental healing. It does feel like oppression & depression at times. I will honestly admit I lost my faith along the way. But I started to pick up my Bible again & read. My priest is called Tudor, he’s a lovely man. Very honest & genuine. My family were worried about my decline mentally & physically & spiritually & were aware I had lost the will to live. I wasn’t too pleased to see him at my door as I was afraid of being judged but I guess that was more of the mind games than the real feelings of the heart.

    He helped me find light in the dark, no preaching no promises of healing just a genuine comfort that I wasn’t alone, I said I feel as if I am purgatory, I’m stuck between life and death, what’s wrong or right what’s good and bad.

    I was and am still in the pit, but I have goodness within me & the cornerstone of my faiths lies within me, and all around me. All I need to do is touch my heart & he’s there.

    During conversation We both blurted out lines from the scripture of job He said I was very similar to him. I’ve read it umpteen times and I agree.

    He was rewarded in the end, & inherited all the goodness back that was taken from him.

    That gave me hope too x

  • Laura, I am hugging you with Spiritual arms tonight. My heart is singing. God is so good. You are my Spiritual gift at this comming Christmas season. I am a believer as well, and we are related by our Spiritual Father, and we are alike in our fight against mental lies that would try to control our lives. I am sooo sooo happy that you are getting Spiritual help from your Priest. Laura, just know that you will ALWAYS be on my prayer list, and be in my prayers everyday. Thank you soo much for your reply, it means soooo much to me.Love, Littlebowpeep

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