3rd days out of work. I attempted to go in but I couldn't push myself any harder to *just make it to 5pm*. I'm not use to this. But for the past few yrs it's all I know. Just dr appts after dr appts. Pain when I sleep pain when I'm awake. Waking up and feeling as if there's no life in me. In order to get out of bed I have to mentally tell myself to get up. I don't just jump up anymore. I have to roll myself out of bed. And from there begins my jouney to make it through the day. It takes twice as long to get ready. I don't bother with my favorite eye shadow anymore. Or putting my victoria secret champagne color lip gloss on yet I still carry it around just in case, taste nice too. I don't even use my bath and body lotion that I use to love. Nor do I fix my hair slightly parted to one side. Right now I am happy to be able to put on my clothes which probably don't even match and I tie my hair back so that it's not in the way. My husband probably look at me and wonder what happened to me and why have I allowed myself to even step out of the house like this. He use to say my skin is so soft. But all I see now are rashes. I don't bother with all of that bc I don't feel that way anymore. I loved to smile but now smiling is forced. Not fake but definitely have to force it bc it hurts just to smile. Lupus and now Sjogren's- it's not as invisible of a disease. It changed me from someone who jumped out of bed before the alarm even goes off to not being able to get out of bed. From someone who loves the park and the beach to having to hide from the sun. From having soft silky skin to rashes whenever wherever. You can tell a person's pain by looking at them in the eyes...my eyes will tell you I'm tired, pain all over is indescribable to most, and wish people around me would understand. But don't worry too much about me... I was born a fighter and will fight all of this till there's nothing left in me. So long as I'm breathing I'm going to keep trying. Sometimes it's just good to write it all out so that someone else out there forcing that smile knows...you're not the only one.
To help me stay sane I started a blog. Writing is therapeutic for me. If interested