Depression sux for real, being in the hospital more than home since beginning of December is tough. Tough on me and tough on my family. Look, I don't want sympathy, I just really need to vent. Today is the first time that I realize the last organ left intact and not attacked by lupus and the other auto immune illnesses that I have, has been my brain. This last hospitalization was screwed up because now every part of my body has been hit. With this diagnosis of encephalopothy has really played a number on me. I have severe pain in my head, i would not classify it as a headache, this is plain and simple..severe pain. Memory waxes and wanes. I've always been proud of my brain as its the one thing that got me far in life. I was an amazing, hard working motel/hotel manager. I got offers to move on to bigger chains frequently. I did my own P&L's, my own marketing. I would trouble shoot the property and with in a short time increase the occupancy rate by more than 50%. Now, I forget things at a drop of a hat, I have a hard time even typing or using the computer. This isn't fair, I would love to work, I enjoyed it..omg to think there are some lazy ass people out there that would rather stay home and collect and they are healthy, and some of us that really want to continue our carears just can't because of health reasons. I am so ready to throw in the towel. How much more can happen? Why is it always something new? I almost died in December twice, once with severe respiratory failure and then the massive internal hemmorage. Sometimes i wish it would have happened, and then other times I am thankful for another day. I used to enjoy life to its fullest, i'd work full time, go dancing with my husband, spend time with family and friends. Now its DRS, HOSPITALS,MEDS, PAIN, Pain and more pain. Lers not forget the constant blood work and weeking INR for my coumdin level. My eyesite also now is affected, one eye legally blind the other.well..who knows. Thanks for letting me vent, sorry so negative, just so sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED>!!! This post took me since last night to write just because I keep losing my train of thought, andthen come back and do a little more..lol sorry so longgggggggggggg.